Bridesmaid drama–picking 2/3 college friends & CRUSHING one's feelings??

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I...

    Invite her to be a bridesmaid. It's easier just to keep the peace.

    Don't invite her to be a bridesmaid. It's your wedding and you can choose who you really want.

    Other! (please comment!)

  • Post # 16
    Member
    567 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

    Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

    Don’t invite someone you don’t want in your bridal party just to help her regulate her emotions. She’s a big girl, she’ll survive. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee

    Re: Keeping the Peace–I’ve known a lot of people who have had someone in the bridal party to keep the peace. Usually this is the groom’s sister. The majority of people I know have not regretted it.

    -If this is a friend that you are hoping to keep being friends with, I think you should consider keeping the peace.

    • And if you decide not to include her but still try to keep the friendship, at the very least talk to this person and explain that she is still important to you. Then prepare yourself for any decisions or fallout that might come from the decision that you have made. Because these decisions can have real consequences. And while sites like WeddingBee tend to overwhelmingly favor the bride’s decision-making while disregarding the feelings of the friends who are excluded, you need to realize that whatever your friend feels is valid and that she may make decisions out of hurt or anger. That is normal. An if she does decide to end the friendship on account of this, that is completely valid, no matter what other posters say. Everyone is allowed to make the best decision for themselves, your friend included.

    -If you do not want to be friends with this person anymore, cut her loose. Make sure you talk to your other friends before you do this, though. Just to let them know there may be fallout.

     

    Personally, I don’t think that not having her in the bridal party and still wanting to be friends is going to go over well. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee

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    manylovesbee1 :  OP is not going to be “setting herself on fire to keep someone else warm” if she includes this friend in her bridal party. I get that this is hyperbole, but it’s so far out from what would be okay that if this is how OP would actually feel by including someone in the Bridal Party, then she shouldn’t be friends with this person at all.

    Of course, what OP does is completely up to her and she has the right to include or not include people.

    At the same time, actions have consequences, and I’ve seen friendships end over the hurt of not being included in the bridal party. People are entitled to their feelings…their feelings are valid, and they may decide that a friendship is not worth continuing if their feelings are significantly hurt. Telling someone “she’s a big girl, she’ll survive” is true, but also completely disregards the feelings of someone who at one point OP was close with and I assume she still considers a friend.

    So yes, while I agree that OP can do whatever she wants and that not being in a bridal party isn’t the end of the world, I also think that OP should consider the friend’s feelings (assuming she still wants to be friends) and the potential consequences of any choice that OP makes. Then go with the one she is most comfortable with in the long-term. My 2 cents.

    Post # 19
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee

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    anabee323 :  I get what you’re saying. But if someone were to end a friendship with me because they weren’t picked to be in my bridal party, they probably weren’t a friend I really wanted in the first place.

    100% agree that actions have consequences and OP should weigh them before making a decision. At the same time, why should the friend’s feelings be any more valid than OP’s? If she really doesn’t want this person in her bridal party, I don’t think she should have to suck it up just to not hurt someone else’s feelings. 

    Maybe my mood is colored by entitled friends at the moment, though. Over the weekend we saw two of our good friends from college, who we are very close with but were much closer with 5-10 years ago. Distance/life has just changed the relationship. Meanwhile we have three friends (my husband’s two bffs from high school and one of their wives) who we are much closer with. They live in our town and we see them all the time. Well, these two college friends are still upset with my husband (a year and a half later) that he didn’t tell them he was proposing to me but the other friends knew. Every time we see them they bring it up and make my husband defend his choice. He has nothing to say other than “Sorry?” It’s like they want to force him into saying, “I’m just not as close with you!”

    Not all relationships are created equal. It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for not liking one person as much as another. If you really think this person is going to take it badly and you want to maintain the friendship, talk to her about it (though I’m not really sure what you say other than “I’m just not as close with you!”). If not, just make your choice and enjoy the rest of your wedding planning.

    Post # 20
    Member
    567 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

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    bostonbee2018 :  I get what you’re saying. But if someone were to end a friendship with me because they weren’t picked to be in my bridal party, they probably weren’t a friend I really wanted in the first place.

    Yep. That’s not a friendship, that’s an emotional hostage. How often do we see on these boards stories of women who pick people to be in their bridal parties out of duty, and end up with drama/regret because of it? It’s not the end of the world to not be picked, and if someone pitches a snit because of it, they aren’t a great friend to start with.

    Post # 21
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee

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    bostonbee2018 :  I have said repeatedly that OP has the right to make any decision she wants. As does OP’s friend after the fact. 

    I also didn’t say that OP has to suck it up, just that she should consider it keeping the peace if she wants to keep the friendship. And that plenty of people do keep the peace for relationships they are trying to preserve for the long haul (where my fiance’s sister example comes in, because that is so common…no one wants to hurt the FSIL’s feelings and a lot of my friends have done this for this reason).

    Like I also said, whenever this issue comes up on this site, Bees tend to overwhelmingly tell the OP that they should just cut the person and can have anyone in their bridal party.* I definitely don’t disagree with this, but I do think that OP should look at it from a realistic perspective–if the friend has been insecure and jealous then I don’t think OP can expect that to stop. Either way, whatever OP feels in terms of what she wants is valid and whatever OP’s friend feels is valid.

    *This is why I’m focusing more on OP’s friend–because she has gotten plenty of “do what you want, it’s your day” from everyone else.

    I also agree that OP doesn’t have to apologize for liking her other friends more, but OP’s friend also doesn’t have to apologize for being hurt by this (potentially to the degree of ending a friendship). When feelings and investment into a friendship are unequal (i.e. one person likes the other much more), then these things can be very hurtful to the person who is more invested in the friendship. Yes it is hurtful from both ends of the stick, but for the most part the person who is more invested gets more hurt.

    Honestly, I’ve seen a lesser version of this situation from both perspectives (where I wasn’t feeling the friendship as much, and where I was more invested and was excluded), and IMO in a lot of these cases it seems like the friendship has just run its course. I don’t want to invest a lot into a friend I’m not thrilled about, and at the same time I also don’t want to be investing a lot into a friend who isn’t thrilled about me. It’s not about someone being wrong or right, it’s about that sort of unequal investment being a relationship killer when people realize that that’s the situation. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee

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    manylovesbee1 :  I don’t think you know what “emotionally hostage” means. Would you say breaking up with someone is wrong or holding them emotionally hostage? No because that is ridiculous. And ending a friendship is like breaking up with someone. (What would actually be holding someone emotionally hostage would be threatening to end a friendship if the person didn’t do “x, y, or z.” That would be wrong wrong.)

    Ending a friendship isn’t holding anyone emotionally hostage. That’s making a decision that is best for you. Ending any relationship is always hard, and I don’t think that anyone makes that decision lightly. If someone ended a friendship with me because something I did hurt them, I would accept that and try to learn from it if possible. Anyone is allowed to end any relationship at any time if it’s not working for them, especially if they feel that they are investing a lot more than the other person.

    It’s not black and white, and I think it’s important to realize that people are the experts in their own lives. I wouldn’t want someone who was significantly hurt about something (like not being in a wedding party) to continue the friendship out of obligation. Like it or not, anything causes someone significant hurt, I think it’s a fine reason to end the friendship. And that is up to each individual to consider and decide on.

    Post # 23
    Member
    567 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

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    anabee323 :  “Make me a bridesmaid or I’ll end the friendship” is manipulative horseshit, even if it’s merely implied, and anyone who wants to play that card doesn’t need to be your friend. It’s a hypothetical outcome at this point, but if OP thinks it will come to that, well … good luck to everyone involved.

    Yes, it’s her call, and yes, it’s her decision, and yes, she can chose whatever she wants and cope with whatever consequences arise etc etc etc. I don’t think literally anyone on this thread would debate that, so I’m not sure who you’re arguing with. No one is going to kick in her door and un-ask her bridesmaids while yelling “The internet demands justice!” OP asked for advice, and voila! Two pages of people advising about how they’d handle it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Post # 24
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee

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    manylovesbee1 : 🙄🙄🙄 Everyone has the right to their opinion and to correct people who are misusing language that they don’t seem to understand. Emotional blackmail is a real thing and a form of abuse. I was bringing nuance to the situation.

    Even by your own stretched-out definition, you are wrong. The OP and PP’s are projecting what the OP thinks her friend will do based on *very limited* information. That’s not the OP’s friend implying anything about the friendship. She is not holding OP emotionally hostage.

    Post # 25
    Member
    2629 posts
    Sugar bee

    Honestly, in this situation I would probably just ask her if you don’t want to end the friendship entirely. If she was a bad person somehow that would be another thing, but it sounds more like she’s just a bit insecure. You don’t have to involve her in every second of planning, the majority of my bridesmaids just showed up for the parties/wedding and that’s it. 

    If you’re not concerned about maintaining the friendship though you’d be fine not asking her. You’re not obligated either way, but it’s a bit similar to inviting people in ‘circles’ of association. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    3077 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    I’m a very consderate person, in that I always try to think how my words or actions will make others feel before I do/say anything… but there has to be a limit to that. If someone is so overly sensitive and emotionally immature that they can’t handle adult realities like the fact that they’re not someones bestest bestie, I have no time for that shit. She needs to learn to deal with her own insecurities and she is never gonna do that if everyone keeps babying her.

    I’d say choose who YOU want to have beside you on your wedding day based on who YOUfeel closest with. If her feelings get hurt or she is upset, then sure, try to comfort her by reminding her that she is special to you, but that you didn’t want your bridal party to start ballooning so you kept it at the girls you’re tightest with and spend the most time wtih. If she can’t accept that and get over it, that’s her issue to deal with. She’s not a child. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee

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    sboom :  +1 

    This is what I was trying to say earlier.

    I’m not saying the friend doesn’t have a right to be hurt and react in whatever way she wants to. I’m just saying that if I had a “friend” who decided to end our friendship because I didn’t consider her to be one of my besties or didn’t make her a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t be all that broken up about losing her.

    She isn’t entitled to a role in the wedding just because she considers herself to be one of OP’s besties or because she thinks of their group as a package deal. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I’ll add that I would be upset to find out that I was chosen as a bridesmaid out of obligation. That’s a lot of time and effort I could have saved myself. Doing this is really just looking for ways to lead someone to believe that they are a close friend when in fact they are not. 

    There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship when you find out that you value someone more than the other person. If the friend decides that she has enough acquaintances and would rather spend time on close friendships, well, she doesn’t owe the OP an acquaintance. You can’t let someone know that they are not a close friend, then expect them to continue to keep putting in a close friendship. Which OP seems annoyed with in the first place, but you don’t get to demote yourself to acquaintance unilaterally- there might not be an opening. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee

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    impatient1 : 

    “There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship when you find out that you value someone more than the other person. If the friend decides that she has enough acquaintances and would rather spend time on close friendships, well, she doesn’t owe the OP an acquaintance. You can’t let someone know that they are not a close friend, then expect them to continue to keep putting in a close friendship. Which OP seems annoyed with in the first place, but you don’t get to demote yourself to acquaintance unilaterally- there might not be an opening.”

    This is exactly what I was trying to say, much better and more concisely worded. Totally agree.

    Post # 30
    Member
    2452 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    impatient1 :  Yes, I agree with your sentiments 110%, and I kind of don’t understand how some PPs can’t see the logic in this.

     

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    bostonbee2018 :  You wouldn’t be broken up about losing her because you didn’t invest into her in the first place.

    A similar example is if you want to be just friends with someone who has a crush on you. When that person finds out that you aren’t at that level with them and aren’t investing as much into them as they are into you, the rejection is real and something they have to deal with. That person is not obligated to stay friends with you if they choose not to. It’s not immature of them to decide that they want to take their investment somewhere else, where they may feel more appreciated.

    Similar thing for someone who finds out they have been investing a lot more into the friendship. Of course, no one can make anyone want to be close friends with them, but you also don’t get to dictate what you mean to someone. They might not want another casual friend–that investment in you is energy they can be using to build closer friendships with other people.

    I don’t think OP should feel obligated to have someone she finds so annoying in her bridal party, but she should also be ready for this to potentially get awkward in the friend group. From the information given, it doesn’t seem like there is much of a way around that.

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