- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
Sorry lovelies, this is a long one..
FI and I asked our respective people to be in the wedding long before we fixed a date or did anything wedding-plan-esque. We each have 7 people (so many!) – my four closest friends, FI’s little sister, FI’s brother’s fiancee, and my SIL.
6 of them are going to be cake (relatively) – they’re all laidback gals. But FI’s brother’s fiancee, (we’ll call her Madam) I forsee being a pain.
We don’t have the best of relationships. We are very good at getting along and being civil, as long as I don’t make the mistake of telling her anything personal, or about myself or FI’s business. Anything personal, her coworkers (we work in the same building :/) will know the next day.
There’s been a lot of issues – she had a huge problem with my body, and used to tell me frequently I was too skinny, to eat more, that I “shouldn’t be eating healthy food cause I shouldn’t lose weight” (’cause that’s the only reason to eat healthy?), that I shouldn’t weightlift, etc etc (I’m 128lb and 5’7, certainly not skinny). She loudly comments to me and the friend I work out with that our lifting diet/workouts are unhealthy and that she is managing to get a six-pack without adjusting her diet or working out heavily (um, good for you? Doesn’t work for me!)
I eventually had enough, told her firmly that the constant remarks on my appearance, whether well meaning or not, were not welcome and hurt my feelings. (It got to the point where every family visit I wasn’t greeted with ‘hi’, rather ‘ugh, you’ve lost weight again!’ – always untrue, I rarely change weight more than a couple lbs)
I would *never* comment on a girls body negatively, its just not my style, family or otherwise.
She also has problems with the fact that FI is not very close to the family and has a career that means he works a lot of holidays (not optional) – she communicated this by telling me the whole family had a huge problem with me, and there was all sorts of drama that boiled down to my FIL and FSIL being astonished that I thought there was anything going on and my FI getting angry on my behalf that she was spreading stories.
She also was scornful of our relationship when it was new (despite us getting together before her and FI’s bro) and made that clear through long discussions.
I’ve been warned time and again by colleagues who’ve been “burned” to watch my back and what I say around her, and I pretty much avoid unnecessary non-family socialising.
However I want our relationship to remain friendly since we’re marrying into the same family.
She and FI’s bro got engaged recently and are marrying way before us in a small family ceremony. We got them a generous engagement gift (they didn’t get us one, not that it really matters with family) and I did the usual squeal over the ring, but when I said in a friendly way “we’re gonna be family” with a smile, her reply was a sarcastic “Yay…”
We’re getting hitched next year and just fixed a date, so my MOH wants to start up bridesmaids chats, and asked for emails.
I honestly didn’t want to give her Madam’s contact details. I asked Madam and FI’s little sister at the same time last year to be in the wedding – and while the latter was all smiles, Madam’s only response was “Hm.”
I’m worried it’s going to create huge drama – MOH has had personal experience with her at FI’s birthday (another kettle of unnecessary drama!) and is not keen on her, but is very ready to be on hand with “shut up, not your schindig”.
I just feel like it’s going to be a negative experience – and haven’t mentioned her being a BM since asking, but I feel if I don’t include her it might cause a fight. If I do include her as previously planned (I asked her before she showed serious true colors, when we got along quite nicely), I think it might have a serious impact on stuff – she is the only person I know who can make me seriously unhappy.
We’re going to be shelling out around $1500 for flights and hotels to attend their wedding out of state, whereas ours will be a half-hour drive from their house, but I feel like it’s going to be a huge battle for my MOH to get any help or feedback from her at all.
It sounds like a no-brainer, but Bees what would you do? My current plan is to eventually send out a message to all BM’s stating a few details and asking a few questions about travel stuff, and if I get anything negative in reply to just tell her very politely that she doesn’t have to be in the wedding if she feels uncomfortable or its going to be too much for her.
I really need to keep the relationship as civil as possible, I’m going to see her every holiday! Should I keep her in the wedding, or quietly set her aside?
Sorry for the length!