Post # 1
I asked one of my college roomates to be a bridesmaid. We have been friends for over a decade but there have been many ups and downs during this period. In hindsight, I never should have asked her.
To summarise, we both suffer from depression & anxiety which seems to hit us at different times. I have always felt that every time she has needed to talk to me I have made time for her and spent hours on the phone trying to help her calm down. However, there have only been 2 occassions when I have reached out to her and both the times she has shut me down making it sound like my problems are not even worth talking about.
The reason I stayed friends with her is because I genuinely believe that nobody is perfect and people have different strengths and weaknesses. Empathy is not one of her strengths, but I tried to focus on all the good aspects of our friendship, and asked her to be a bridesmaid because of how long we have known each other.
Now thigs recently turned very ugly for me. My family don’t approve of my marriage because my fiance is of a different race. This has been a huge source of conflict between us, and my anxiety levels have been higher than ever. I am afraid of my father. He had (and still has) severe anger issues when I was a child, and even as an adult I feel the same child-like fear when I face him. I desperately reached out to her in need of somebody to talk following a particulary traumatic and painful few days, but she did not even respond to my messages. I know she has seen them. She has not even acknowledged them..
She was recently complaining that I don’t make much effort with meeting up with her aymore. I explained to her everything I was goin through and how stressed I was, but she didn’t respond to my messages. In addition, she was not interested in coming weddin dres shopping with me, and didn’t respond to the whatsapp group of bridesmaids when I asked to organise their outfits. I dont thik I have been a demanding bride- I just picked a colour and askd the bridesmaid wear any dress they like in that shade.
I am woried about my wedding day because of the family situation. I don’t know if any of them will come, or if they do come, there will most likely be a lot of drama. We have oly invited 50 people in total – family and our closet friends, to minimise the stress.
I am contemplating telling her that since she has not shown any interest in the wedding planning or even acknowldged the problems I am having, it’s probably best if she stepped down. Is this ever acceptable?
Post # 2
I voted yes as soon as I read “I never should have asked her”. Upon reading the rest, I think you should tell her to step down. Realistically this could very well be the end of your friendship, which usually I would advise anyone to think twice about. But I am struggling to, from your post, work out what she actually offers you as a friend. On top of showing no interest in your wedding, you are going through a time of need in your personal life and she is not there for you, nor has she ever really been. That is surely the bare minimum of what a friend should do, let alone a close friend who is a bridesmaid?
I know it’s easy to say this from an outside perspective, but I think you need to call it a day with her.
I’m really sorry about all the issues with your dad and your family. I hope you have some other close friends to lean on during this time xx
Post # 3
I wouldn’t ask her to step down due to lack of interest in wedding planning, but due to lack of her being a friend to you. It sounds very one-sided. Real friends are those that you can rely on in difficult times, and she’s proving she’s not that. Why would I want someone to stand up with me at my wedding if they’re not there for me when I need a friend?! I’m really sorry you’re going through all this on top of the family issues. Unfortunately sometimes weddings bring out the true colors of people.
Post # 4
I concur with Princess. The second you say “I never should have…” For anything shows that was not the right thing to do.
I would just be honest with her. Say you appreciate the thought, but you don’t think this is the right thing anymore.
Post # 5
Yes you’re right. The lack of interest doesn’t bother me as much, because I understand people have their own lives and she has her own problems. but I feel she could at least have responded to say that she didn’t think she could help with my problems. It really hurt that she just showed a complete lack of concern to my despreate pleas for somebody to talk to.
Post # 6
Thank you. Yes fortunately I do have other friends who are more compassionate. I just don’t like going to the same people over and over again. I thouht I’d spread the burden a little…
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - Philadelphia, PA
I completely understand your feelings. Your friend almost sounds like mine in a way except mine does answer me but quickly complains about something in her life. Almost like she has to top my issue. I let it go for so long because as you said, we all have our faults. I have been known to keep people in my life way longer than I should but I hate not speaking to people. I’ve done this with a few friends and then me being me, I always miss them (the good times anyway). Deep down I know it’s for the best but I just hate having enemies. I look at it as if we were not here anymore, would the issue/falling out even matter. Maybe have a talk with her. Being your wedding is next month and if she has purchased her dress it would suck if she couldn’t return it. Not that you owe her that if she really has been a horrible friend. But I would def have a convo with her. Let her know your feelings and say you would really like to have the ones that care about you stand beside you on your wedding day and if that is no longer her, you need to know. I only say try to talk first because telling her right away she is no longer in it will just bring drama you do not need right now on top of what you already are going through. I really hope it all works out for you and stay strong with family. I am so sorry you are going through that. All the best to you Bee!
Post # 8
Given the circumstances, have you thought about elopement? I couldn’t imagine getting married in front of anyone who didn’t support my marriage, or approve of my fiancé.
Post # 9
I just recently ended a friendship when I ought to long ago. Putting it off makes it worse honestly. My “friend” was a lot like yours, very thoughtless and hurtful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this surrounding your wedding!
Post # 10
I think you have plenty of reasons to ask her to step down. She has consistently been a poor friend to you and couldn’t even be bothered to respond when you reached out to her in crisis.
And I’m wondering if it would be less stressful for you if you just scrapped the wedding with your family? They dont’ approve, and for really fucked up reasons, and you are worried about them starting drama. Why not just gather a handful of your closest, most genuine friends (and his family if there are no issues there) celebrate with them?
Post # 11
You know bee, the main issue I have with your post is your abusive dad. I feel very bad that you have to endure that. The heck with this “friend” you need to cut contact (or atleast set up boundaries) with your toxic father.
If I may speculate a little, it sounds like you may have a bit of low self worth due to your father. Why else would you allow someone to be so close that uses you and doesn’t care to reciprocate what a true friend actually entails?
I’ve become very particular with whom I call a *friend*. I try not to use the term lightly. As a empath myself, I drain my engery constantly on others. I had to learn the hard way (from my friend, who actually sounds alot like yours) I have to make healthy boundaries and distance myself from toxicity and put myself first. I was my friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor. After her wedding stuff was all done, I started to think about my future amd if I had a wedding. I asked her in passing if she’d be there for me (shes was pregnant at the time). Wanna know what she said? She said “idk we will see. I’ve never been a mother so Idk if I’llhave the time”. I mean I get it and appreciate the honesty, but those words reassured me that she’s a taker and it’s not healthy for me to expect anything from her…not even support. We later had a fallout and remended things last fall. I love her dearly and when I make time for her it’s because it’s something I REALLY WANNA do. I went shopping with her for her child’s 1st bday and helped picked things out, but the moment she kept asking me to volunteer my time to help set up, I took a huge leap back. My friend has been pretty sick with the flu recently (I’m close with her family so I heard about her not feeling well). I seen her the other day and she asked why I haven’t tried calling to make sure she is ok. She suffers from depression/anxiety and I suffer from anxiety. At the end of the day you have to take care of you bee. My friend isn’t *empathetic* so no, she wouldn’t think to call me to make sure I’m doing ok. I’m not being petty, but if you don’t take care of you, who will?
You need to set up boundaries with her. You can ask her to step down and cut her out or tell yourself “what will be will be”, have no expectations and move on and then faze her out of your life. You said you have other friends, but you don’t wanna burden the same friends. I’ve learned the less toxicity you have in your life, the less you need to vent. I strongly suggest some self evaluating. Good luck bee.
Post # 12
Thank you so much for your advice. I’m just like you in that I let people treat me badly for far too long before actually sayin anything. I have tried talking to her but she hasn’t responded to any of my messages about meeting up or facetiming to talk things through. I’m also not sure if she actually has a dress. I told my bridesmaids to dress in a couour that I picked in whatever dress they wanted. I didn’t want them to feel that they had to buy a whole new outfit just because I have decided to get married! She never got back to me and I’m not sure what she’s planning to turn up in…
Post # 13
I did think about it, but it’s important for my fiance to have his family withness us getting married. His family are lovely and incredibly supportive, that’s why we compromised by having a small wedding just with them and only our closest friends. My family have refused to come.
Post # 14
Yes that’s what we’re doing 🙂 sorry it wasn’t clear from the original post, but it’s my fiance’s family who will be the bulk of the guests at the wedding and a handful of friends. His family are very kind and supportive. Mine have now flat out refused to come, so I guess that’s one thing off my list of things to stress over…
Post # 15
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.
That friend of yours sounds truly self-centred and awful. I’m so sorry she treated you like that after you were the maid of honour for her! Some people just expect to be treated like they deserve the world while having to give nothing in return.
You’re right, I do have low self-esteem. The reason I have kept her around was because at college I didn’t have any other friends. I was bullied by an ex-bf and his two best friends, and she was the only person in my classes who treated me as a friend. I knew even then that it wasn’t a true friendship because she was always on the lookout for better friends and would happily ditch me to make plans with other girls in our classes and not bother inviting me. But still, she was all I had. Others were even worse to me. They were awful to her too, often excluding her from social events, and it was only then that she would come crying to me…But then the whole process would repeat, she would ditch me to chase after them and then come back hurt.
What hurts most is that she has been telling friends in common that I am selfish and only thik about myself. But in the run up to the wedding, who does she think I should think about instead of myself…