Bridesmaid drama – should I ask her to step down?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask her to step down?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 2
    Member
    650 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: London, UK

    I voted yes as soon as I read “I never should have asked her”. Upon reading the rest, I think you should tell her to step down. Realistically this could very well be the end of your friendship, which usually I would advise anyone to think twice about. But I am struggling to, from your post, work out what she actually offers you as a friend. On top of showing no interest in your wedding, you are going through a time of need in your personal life and she is not there for you, nor has she ever really been. That is surely the bare minimum of what a friend should do, let alone a close friend who is a bridesmaid?

    I know it’s easy to say this from an outside perspective, but I think you need to call it a day with her. 

    I’m really sorry about all the issues with your dad and your family. I hope you have some other close friends to lean on during this time xx

    Post # 3
    Member
    446 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    I wouldn’t ask her to step down due to lack of interest in wedding planning, but due to lack of her being a friend to you.  It sounds very one-sided.  Real friends are those that you can rely on in difficult times, and she’s proving she’s not that.  Why would I want someone to stand up with me at my wedding if they’re not there for me when I need a friend?!  I’m really sorry you’re going through all this on top of the family issues.  Unfortunately sometimes weddings bring out the true colors of people.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1884 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    I concur with Princess. The second you say “I never should have…” For anything shows that was not the right thing to do. 

    I would just be honest with her. Say you appreciate the thought, but you don’t think this is the right thing anymore. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - Philadelphia, PA

    I completely understand your feelings. Your friend almost sounds like mine in a way except mine does answer me but quickly complains about something in her life. Almost like she has to top my issue. I let it go for so long because as you said, we all have our faults. I have been known to keep people in my life way longer than I should but I hate not speaking to people. I’ve done this with a few friends and then me being me, I always miss them (the good times anyway). Deep down I know it’s for the best but I just hate having enemies. I look at it as if we were not here anymore, would the issue/falling out even matter. Maybe have a talk with her. Being your wedding is next month and if she has purchased her dress it would suck if she couldn’t return it. Not that you owe her that if she really has been a horrible friend. But I would def have a convo with her. Let her know your feelings and say you would really like to have the ones that care about you stand beside you on your wedding day and if that is no longer her, you need to know. I only say try to talk first because telling her right away she is no longer in it will just bring drama you do not need right now on top of what you already are going through. I really hope it all works out for you and stay strong with family. I am so sorry you are going through that. All the best to you Bee!

    Post # 8
    Member
    1134 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    sam2019 :  Given the circumstances, have you thought about elopement? I couldn’t imagine getting married in front of anyone who didn’t support my marriage, or approve of my fiancé. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    35 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I just recently ended a friendship when I ought to long ago. Putting it off makes it worse honestly. My “friend” was a lot like yours, very thoughtless and hurtful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this surrounding your wedding!

    Post # 10
    Member
    2943 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    I think you have plenty of reasons to ask her to step down. She has consistently been a poor friend to you and couldn’t even be bothered to respond when you reached out to her in crisis.

    And I’m wondering if it would be less stressful for you if you just scrapped the wedding with your family? They dont’ approve, and for really fucked up reasons, and you are worried about them starting drama. Why not just gather a handful of your closest, most genuine friends (and his family if there are no issues there) celebrate with them?

    Post # 11
    Member
    770 posts
    Busy bee

    You know bee, the main issue I have with your post is your abusive dad. I feel very bad that you have to endure that. The heck with this “friend” you need to cut contact (or atleast set up boundaries) with your toxic father.

    If I may speculate a little, it sounds like you may have a bit of low self worth due to your father. Why else would you allow someone to be so close that uses you and doesn’t care to reciprocate what a true friend actually entails? 

    I’ve become very particular with whom I call a *friend*. I try not to use the term lightly. As a empath myself, I drain my engery constantly on others. I had to learn the hard way (from my friend, who actually sounds alot like yours) I have to make healthy boundaries and distance myself from toxicity and put myself first. I was my friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor. After her wedding stuff was all done, I started to think about my future amd if I had a wedding. I asked her in passing if she’d be there for me (shes was pregnant at the time). Wanna know what she said? She said “idk we will see. I’ve never been a mother so Idk if I’llhave the time”. I mean I get it and appreciate the honesty, but those words reassured me that she’s a taker and it’s not healthy for me to expect anything from her…not even support. We later had a fallout and remended things last fall. I love her dearly and when I make time for her it’s because it’s something I REALLY WANNA do. I went shopping with her for her child’s 1st bday and helped picked things out, but the moment she kept asking me to volunteer my time to help set up, I took a huge leap back. My friend has been pretty sick with the flu recently (I’m close with her family so I heard about her not feeling well). I seen her the other day and she asked why I haven’t tried calling to make sure she is ok. She suffers from depression/anxiety and I suffer from anxiety. At the end of the day you have to take care of you bee. My friend isn’t *empathetic* so no, she wouldn’t think to call me to make sure I’m doing ok. I’m not being petty, but if you don’t take care of you, who will? 

    You need to set up boundaries with her. You can ask her to step down and cut her out or tell yourself “what will be will be”, have no expectations and move on and then faze her out of your life. You said you have other friends, but you don’t wanna burden the same friends. I’ve learned the less toxicity you have in your life, the less you need to vent. I strongly suggest some self evaluating. Good luck bee.

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