(Closed) Bridesmaid Drama…need to vent

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow.. so sorry to hear you have to deal with this so close to your wedding!

It sounds as former Maid/Matron of Honor as issues beyond herself/kids/work and that she may be using that as an excuse. Unfortunately for you, she did not admit this when you asked her to be in the wedding. I guess every person is different and deals with responsibility in different ways. I understand that you don’t want her to completely bail, but it sounds like she might anyway, wouldn’t you rather know now that she refuses to come then discover the day of that she isn’t going to show up?

I think you did the right thing in saying ou want her there. It is in her hands now and from the way she’s been acting, I think she’d probably find another way to bail on you

Post # 4
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

This situation totally sucks and I really feel for you.  My advice would be to just refuse to participate in the drama any longer.  First, stop sending emails.  If she emails you, call her back.  Tone can get lost in an email, and sometimes you just need to TALK.  I know it seems easier to email, since these are awkward conversations, but I think exchanging emails just escalates the situation.  Second, when you do call her, don’t engage with her drama.  Just say, "I value your friendship so very much, and I hope you’ll choose to stay in the wedding party, but I understand your feelings and if you would rather not be in the wedding party, I accept your decision as well.  I’m excited to see you at the wedding."  Don’t get into a "who has more stress in their life" talk, don’t rehash what’s occurred over the past few months, don’t get angry.  The situation is what it is, and the absolute best way to handle it is to take the high road, express your friendship for her, and allow her to make a decision.  Getting into the "she said/she said" conversation with her is obviously unproductive. 

It’s really sad that this person can’t find the time for you or your wedding — I’m sure it’s hard to learn this about her.  But don’t give into the attraction of anger and drama.  I’m sure you don’t need more of that right now!  Just be nice, get her final decision, and move on.  You can figure out where you stand as friends when all the wedding craziness is over with!

Good luck hon!

Post # 6
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I think things happen for a reason and this might be a blessing in disguise. Now you won’t have to worry about her bailing out and not being there for you when you need it. I agree with GaBGal that there might be another motive there.

From what your former Maid/Matron of Honor said in the last e-mail, it tells me that she was not willing to put any effort at all in being your Maid/Matron of Honor. So better to give up that now than a week before the wedding.

Regardless, this will be one less thing for you to worry about it. Your bridesmaids are probably relieved as there will be less drama and tension within the wedding party.

Do you think she’ll still come to the wedding?

Post # 8
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I may be going against the grain here but I can sort of understand what your former Maid/Matron of Honor is going through.  I agree that if she really really wanted to make time, she would.  But with so many factors, it’s probably really hard for her to handle right now.  Obviously, she has her priorities right now and as much as it hurts, maybe her duties as an Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t one of them. 

I can see why she would want to step down from the bridal party.  If every time there’s a get together and she’s absent, it’s just going to make you and the other bms more upset, so why would she want to put herself in that position and put the other girls in that position again and again?  I think I would step down too if I knew no one was happy with me.

It’s not your fault at all and I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament during this time.  Perhaps she’ll reconsider after a talk, e-mails are not exactly the best way of communication…so many things get lost.

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hmmm it makes me wonder why she said yes to the Maid/Matron of Honor position in the first place.  IT seems to me that she knew then that her 3 priorities were taking up all her time and she couldn’t commit to anything for your wedding, so why agree to take the biggest position in your bridal party???  Its a shame it had to come to this, but I agree its probably a blessing in disguise.  i know it hurts, but just be thankful you have a Maid/Matron of Honor that truly cares and deserves to be your right hand woman

Post # 10
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

A few thoughts.

Not everyone has the same understanding of Bridal Party expectations. Maybe she really didn’t know what you expected of her?? I know everyone does have a lot going on. Personally I can attest that children suck up a ton of your time. (With that said, I’d still make time to get to the prewedding events.) However “busy” is in the eye of the beholder. Even if you could somehow use a standard measure to determine that she was no busier than the next girl, if she feels more overwhelmed than most people, she is.

Do you feel like she is just making excuses and doesn’t want to be there? You could be misinterpretting it. Or perhaps she really didn’t feel like she wanted to be a part of it. If so, she probably didn’t realize it until after she accepted. Maybe she’s jealous because your wedding will be nicer than hers. Maybe she felt you were being too demanding. (I know you said you aren’t.) Maybe she felt it is all too much money, and hadn’t thought of that earlier. Who knows?

First she steps down as Maid/Matron of Honor because she wasn’t making it to events. She probably felt like since she was demoted, that people would get off her back about not coming to stuff. I really don’t blame her for stepping out completely. I would hate to think everyone in the Bridal Party hates me, too. And to a degree I think you should have been prepared for this to have happened after asking her to step out of Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m not saying you were wrong. I’m just saying feelings can get hurt easily. We all kind of want things to work out perfectly but they usually don’t. (Can’t have your cake and eat it to.) You want her in the wedding, but to shape up. Since she’s not shaping up, she is shipping out. And you’re upset at that too.

Would you have rather still had her knowing she is not there for you? Would you still be concerned that she would even make it to the wedding? Are you worried your friendship is over?

I’m sorry there is drama you don’t need. (And it is understandable you are upset that someone, your choice for Maid/Matron of Honor, is not there for you.) I hope you can find a way to smooth things over, especially if the friendship is still valuable to you. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I recently had to remove a Bridesmaid or Best Man from my wedding party. It was a big dramatic situation and she has been a thorn in my side (criticisms, complaints, etc. etc. on her part the entire enagement)…

ANYWAY, the upside of your situation is- at least she took it upon herself to step down and didn’t make you "the bad guy" by you having to kick her out. Her responses, while upsetting, were also worded in a mature manner, which is much more than I can say for the Bridesmaid or Best Man I had to kick out…so that’s also an upside.

Like someone said above…maybe this is a blessing in disguise…when I was trying to decide if I wanted my ex-bm in the wedding still, there were some people who said something along the lines of "well just stick it out through the wedding" but….I decided against that because…what if things just got worse? What would happen on the actual day? What’s the point of both of us spending all that money and time on it if we weren’t going to talk after the wedding?

Anyway, I know this is upsetting to you but, the best thing to do is not always the easiest thing to do. And I think the fact that she took it upon herself to opt out is much better than you having to do it yourself.

Post # 12
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think Tanya said it right.  Everyone really has different levels of what they can handle…and it can be frustrating for the person on the receiving end to find that someone else can’t do what might seem really minor to them.  But consider it that at least she was honest about it…and I think that possibly her apology was somewhat sincere if a bit unnecessarily defensive.  I’ve actually never been an in town Bridesmaid or Best Man, so I’ve missed many Bridal Party events for all the weddings I’ve been in.  In my case everyone (except my sister which is another story) was pretty understanding.  Not making it to things can wrack you with a lot of guilt, and if other Bridal Party members are criticizing you for it you might really feel that you don’t belong int he party anymore.  By The Way, this isn’t me criticizing you or your reaction, just trying to see it from her POV.  I don’t think it has to mean she doesn’t care about you or your wedding is all I’m saying. 

I might also say that you could extend an email to her letting her know you’d still really like her to attend your wedding.  Then you can let it go completely.

Post # 13
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am gonna go against the grain here a little bit…

I understand why you are upset and I definitely send you *hugs*.  However, I think your BM/former Maid/Matron of Honor handled this is a very adult way.  I cant remember if I have ready your other posts, but from this one it seems like she’s been very clear with you about her priorities.  It sucks, but at this time in her life, your wedding isnt one of them.  As a May bride (month twin!!) I feel the pressure mounting and would completely spazz right now if I had to make changes in the bridal party.  But I think you have to put things in perspective.  You didnt seriously expect her to miss the birth of her niece’s baby for your bachelorette party?  Maybe she is very close to her niece.

I dont want to be presumptuous but I get the impression you guys are over 25, since your former Maid/Matron of Honor is already married with kids.  Maybe when she signed on, she wasnt expecting this much hoopla because of your stage in life.

Should she never have agreed to be Maid/Matron of Honor or even a BM?  Maybe.  Perhaps.  But I think you are doing your friendship a disservice by expecting your needs and expectations to trump that of her family.  I cant imagine how much time and energy 3 kid smust absorb…plus the husband, plus the career.  Since youve already admitted that you are relieved that she has stepped out of the bridal party, why not CALL her (not send an email) and tell her that while youre sad it has worked out this way, you still value her friendship and want her to be a guest at the wedding.

Post # 15
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah – I’d just email her to say that you’re sorry she no longer wants to attend but you’d love to have her there, and leave it at that. She’s been causing too much drama for too long and hopefully your other bridesmaids will be able to step up and support you on the home stretch.

Post # 16
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry, this must be bringing out so many emotions. With your newest update, with all you have done for her, it just seems like she won’t change her mind. Hopefully, she will at least come to the wedding, but if she doesn’t, please don’t let it ruin your week/day/ anything. 🙁 Hugs to you!

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