(Closed) Bridesmaid drop out via text message

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

She sounds like one of the women who ignores all of her friends when she gets pregnant and then is shocked when a few months or years later, her friends have moved on from her. Too bad for her. Pretty crappy of her to do it via text; I would have a lot more respect if she would have at least called you. 

Post # 17
Member
910 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

camby2016:  i think she was completely wrong in texting you.  This conversation should have been done in person. I also think she is wrong for dropping out. She made a commitment to you and dropping out is not right.  I think we live in a world where someone’s word does not hold a whole lot of weight anymore.  She should have at least tried to be at the wedding as a bridesmaid.  

Post # 18
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I would be upset too.

Post # 19
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t quite read all the other replies, but I just want to say that I was my friend’s replacement bridemaid. Her friend had to drop out because she got pregnant and didn’t feel she could be a bridesmaid so close to her due date. I knew this and I was fine with being the replacement. 

But maybe I’m the exception to the rule. I’m generally pretty chill about things and to be honest, I was pretty good with not being a bridesmaid, haha. But I thought it was very nice of her to ask me and she’s a dear friend so I got on board with it. 

Post # 20
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here — I get why you are upset, but I can only imagine being pregnant in front of a whole bunch of people might not be the most comfortable thing.  Plus it does not sounds like she handles the stress of life changes very well at all (the issues 3 years ago and the issues now).  Be there for her, talk to her in person and figure out what is going on.  Friendships can be such give-and-take sometimes.

Post # 21
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

camby2016:  I know you are upset and in normal circumstances a text would not be the way an adult should handle something like this but look at it this way:

Someone with anxiety so bad that they feel the need to drop out of a friends wedding chooses the least anxiety inducing method (text message) to do so. 

As a friend what you should be doing is supporting your friend because mental health issues trump a party (which is all a wedding is). If you really care about her then you forget about your wedding and ask what you can do for her. If having her as a bridesmaid is important then work with her to make the situation more situable. 

For all you know she is having a difficult pregnancy or has been told something regarding her pregnancy that has bought on the anxiety. She doesn’t need to share that with you unless she wants to because it is none of your business. Sometimes you need to accept and support other people’s decisions without knowing the full facts because that is what you do for someone you care about. You trust that they are making the best decision for their own health and wellbeing.

Post # 22
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

ljm308:  sounds like she’s all take though whilst OP only gives!

Post # 23
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

I’m 7 mos pregnant too and definitely not my most rational self. Things that wouldn’t phase me before seem like huge challenges at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s hormones or just the magnitude of what’s about to happen or what. But, she could well be feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she feels like she can’t be there enough for you because of what’s going on in her life? I know if that was me, the worry of that in itself would be enough to make dropping out seem the easier option for everyone to prevent me from letting you down.

Or maybe its financial, I would be in no position to pay hundreds to be part of someone’s wedding at the moment. Personally, every cent I spend at the moment I feel guilty because I feel like that money could be better used for the baby. 

 

There are are lots of reasons she’s done it – maybe try talk with her first and get to the bottom of it. I doubt she’s done it to hurt your feelings!

Post # 24
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

I feel like I could agree that the text was maybe the only way for her to handle her feelings but I think in the original post she had done something like this before to the OP.

I think that texting you was an easy way out of something. Im not denying her anxiety (Ive never been pregnant so I dont know how it feels) and Im sure there was a way better way to handle it than texting!

I think you two getting together to talk face to face would be the best way to sort things out. I would tell her that you are worried about her anxiety but texting you was definitely not the best way to communicate that to you. Its OK to tell her that because as you need to be concious of her feelings when she if pregnant that doesn’t mean she can just throw your feelings out the window because shes pregnant, make sense?

In my friends wedding there was a Bridesmaid or Best Man that had to drop out due to medical reasons like 2 days before the wedding and the Bride asked someone else to step in her place. I know the new Bridesmaid or Best Man was elated about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and wasn’t offended at all, but i could see where someone might be offended. I think it depends on the person.

Post # 25
Hostess
8761 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

camby2016:  I am sorry you are upset by your friend dropping out, but if this were me, I would be concerned for my friend and her baby and just want her to be relaxed and happy. Life isn’t tit for tat, nor are good friendships. She doesn’t owe you jack. She does however owe it to herself and her baby to be happy and healthy.

Post # 27
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Just leave it uneven. I had the exact same situation with my bridesmaids. I had 4 of them (they are sisters and my cousins) drop out through an e-mail saying that they didn’t have the money because they were saving up for a new camera for their blog. just like that. I was left to figure out logistics just a month before my wedding. 

Side note: their blog hasn’t done shit since 2013 and I got married at the end of 2014 so we all knew the saving money for a camera was just a shit excuse.

Anyway, after a year plus some months, when we look back at the wedding, the fact that they weren’t there and the fact that my bridesmaid count was uneven didn’t even matter. The point I guess is that it’s not okay for her to send it in a text. Anxiety or not, you at least deserve a face-to-face conversation. 

 

Post # 28
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

This sucks, I’m sorry bee.

Don’t replace her, she may change her mind. I think she does owe you a conversation in person, but I think other Bees are right in saying she may have been trying to find a painless way to do it, since saying no to you in person would be more difficult and emotional.

I have a few friends who suffer from anxiety, I know when one of them was pregnant she was BATSHIT. I mean, I love this girl, but if her husband walked in the door 10 minutes later than she was expecting him she would LOSE.HER.MIND.

she knew she was being unfair, she literally couldn’t control it anymore.

I think you are 100% right to be upset, and this is extra hard because you’ve had ups and downs in your friendship. BUT you need to take a step back and try to be understanding of what she has going on…

in the same vein, she should also be respectful of what YOU’VE got going on (which she hasn’t done), which is stressful stressful wedding planning.

You’re both a bit more head in the sand than you would normally be with wedding and pregnancy, time for a face-to-face chat and some love.

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