(Closed) Bridesmaid etiquette?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

theres no “etiquette” per se – basically the pecking order goes family, then friends… but it really is up to you. decide who you want to stand beside you. you arent obligated to do in-laws. however think hard about it if its gonna cause family drama.

also i have seen brides say wait until about 8 months out when you have figured out how big your wedding will be so its accordingly.

but i didnt, picked mine the week after i got engaged, my sister, future sister in law, and three other awesome long time friends. my FH picked 7. so the parties are uneven.

 

bottom line, its one of the most important days of your life. pick who you want to stand up there with you that will support you in this endeavor! 🙂

Post # 4
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

That sounds like me — I have 2 of my 3 Future Sister-In-Law and 3 of my friends. My own sister will be doing a reading, and the 3rd Future Sister-In-Law is just not included, too bad. She has been particularly mean to me in the past, and while we are amicable now, she moved away so we just do not communicate. No, thanks. It was really important to me to have my 3 best friends up there with me, and the other 2 treat me more like a sister than my actual sister does, so you can understand why I would ask them over my twin. I just wouldn’t make a big deal about it, like don’t point out to the unincluded one that she is not included. Just ask the one you want and let it drop. Have an answer ready if someone else brings it up; the “bridal party getting too big” and saying you don’t know the other one as well might be enough.

Also, welcome to the hive!

Post # 5
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

I think that if your one sister in law was always a close friend, has been a long friend and your other sister in law will know that you love her too… but are choosing to honor your friendship with someone who just happens to be a SIL then not including the other SIL would be ok.  (I have relatives who were childhood friends and became SILs… so if that’s the case it would make complete sense.)  However if both are SILs that you have known for about the same amount of time and you might hurt one’s feelings… then err on the side of including both… and having a slightly larger bridal party. 

Post # 6
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

That is a tough one.  For me, to avoid added problems/ trouble, I would ask both SILs or neither of them.   

Post # 7
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think this is such an individual thing.  You just have to go on a couple of things: would anyone be offended, and could you do something else with them?  I have a friend who had one of her sisters as her Maid/Matron of Honor and the other just did a reading.  She lives in another province, is much older and they have had some issues in the past, so it didn’t make sense for her to be in the wedding party.  But she still had her do a reading to keep her involved.  Maybe you could do something like that?  If you think she’ll be upset it might make sense to just include her.

Post # 8
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Just like the other girls mentioned, there is no etiquette. It’s up to you as to whom you pick to be in your wedding party. However, obviously, it’s tricky because people’s feelings can get hurt, so figure out whether it’s worth it to hurt the Sis-in-law that you aren’t close with…for future relationship building.

Post # 9
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I think as a general rule you should not exclude one SIL.  I think there might be a nexception if the SIL you’re not close to is a huge PITA, who’s made you’re life miserable.  (Ehh who could blame you?)  Or if she’s a lot older than you.  But other than that, if you just don’t feel as close, I would not exclude the one SIL.

Post # 10
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There’s no hard and fast rule, but in this case, etiquette refers to your family dynamic. How would it be received to only include one SIL?

As an example, I included my Future Sister-In-Law because I knew it was important to family dynamics for her to be included, not because she and I are the very best of friends.

Also, “bigger” wedding parties are actually the norm these days. TONS of Bees have wedding parties of 5, 6, 7, 8 and some even 10! I personally have 6 and am very happy with that number. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I asked both of my FSILs because I figured that it wasn’t just who I wanted up there with me, but with my husband as well, and I think he’s happy to have all of his siblings in the wedding! This did mean that there are my  two sisters, two future sisters-in-law, and my two friends. But hey, more the merrier! 

Post # 13
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think if you are close to people then you shouldn’t feel like you have to ask them to stand beside you on your wedding day.  To be nice though you could ask her to help you with other tasks and be there for support, i.e.: She could help the day of by making sure the ceremony site is set up and letting you know that it is good, she could serve as a greeter when people walk into the ceremony, answering questions and welcoming them.  Even though she isn’t apart of the wedding party you could still invite her to get ready with you.  I don’t think you should feel that you must ask her, unless you think that it will help family dynamics later.

Post # 14
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You can ask who you want.  There really is not etiquette when it comes to BMs, except always be nice to them and don’t ruin your friendship because you think you can boss then around (unless of course they are rude to you, then you have a right to stand up for yourself obviously lol), no matter what other brides say =).  Congrats on your engagement and good luck wedding planning!

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