(Closed) Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin’d

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

i think it was the bride’s responsibility to tell you how much being a Bridesmaid or Best Man would cost you upfront.  she’s guilt tripping you for not anticipating and budgeting properly?!  maybe if she had budgeted better, she could have made some room in her budget to alleviate all these costs that she’s imposing on you!  brides get so caught up in having their perfect wedding that they seem to think their bridesmaids should similarly have to go broke just to fulfill their wedding vision.  i believe that if i am requiring my bms to spend a ton of $$ to look a certain way, then it is certainly my responsibility to help pay for some of that or compromise in such a way that it won’t cost them an arm and a leg! 

your friend sounds kind of rude and naive.  maybe it’s just the stress of the wedding that is making her act out this way – i’m hoping she’s not normally like this.  otherwise, if i were you, i might be tempted to take her up on the offer to make her SIL the Bridesmaid or Best Man instead.

Post # 4
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

If it makes you feel better during one of my stints as a bridesmaid the bride wanted us to stay in the hotel on the wedding night at a LOCAL wedding. When I mentioned I hadn’t budgeted that into the expenses and that as a compromise I’d stay till the last song and be back bright and early for the brunch (she wouldn’t even miss me!) she gave me a guilt trip and suggested that for Christmas perhaps I could ask my boyfriend to "gift" me the hotel price.

Sigh. I let myself be guilted into the hotel night, "optional" hair and make-up and the more expensive dress. I wanted to be the "good" friend and do whatever was in my power to make her day special but I was broke for a month after trying to please her. Incidently, we stopped talking soon after the wedding.

 It’s hard but don’t be guilted into more than you can reasonably afford, particularly for those little extras.

Post # 5
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I have to disagree, when you sign up to be a bridesmaid, you are aware of the costs involved. If it’s an out of town wedding, there will be flight and hotel, possibly car rental. Plus the cost of the dress and shoes. I agree that a specific clutch is a little out of line, so good for you for not purchasing that accessory. But, I think at the end of the day, when one agrees to be a bridesmaid, they are agreeing to the costs that they know are associated with the task.

I don’t think this bride is rude or naive, she just wants to have a beautiful wedding with her best friends standing by her side. If she wants matching dresses and shoes, that’s her call. I think if someone can’t afford to be a bridesmaid, they should step down and perhaps participate in some other way (reader, etc).

Post # 6
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

wow, to me, that sounds a little bridezilla-ish.  but i’m also of the opinion that if a bride mandates that the BMs have to dress a certain way, the bride should foot the bill.  having the Bridesmaid or Best Man pay for the dress, ok, but a cream colored clutch is pretty unnecessary.  you were right to put your foot down on the car rental…that is an extra expense you don’t need if you already have a ride to the wedding.  why does she care if you go exploring or not?  unless she is planning to pay for the rental, its not her business how you get to the wedding events, as long as you’re there and on time.  it also sucks she tried to threathen/guilt trip you with having her SIL take your place so late in the game.  when you signed up as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, i’m sure you couldn’t have forseen all the costly demands the bride would have started making.  i’d be tempted to call her bluff and just let the SIL take over.  sorry you have to go through this!

Post # 7
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

She sounds like she is being very rude and inconsiderate.  I am one of those that told you before that there are costs that a Bridesmaid or Best Man has to absorbe, but this sounds like it is getting out of hand.  Way to take a stand on a few issues, like the clutch and a spa day.

I would never ask my Bridesmaid or Best Man to pay for thier own day at the spa if I had any reason to believe they couldn’t afford.  And what do you want to bet that she expects the bridesmaids that do go to help to pay for her day!

You are being a stronger person than i would be.  I hope you enjoy the wedding!

Candi

 

Post # 8
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Are you sure you don’t want to just back out of being a bridesmaid, and let the SIL do it?   It might disappoint her, but maybe say you would like to still be involved, but in other ways i.e. reader, guest book, etc.  They’re still important roles you could do instead…

Post # 9
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

Ugh! How annoying!! I did pick a rather expensive dress for my bm’s (which I do feel terrible about) but i told them they can do whatever they want with their shoes/accesories/hair/make up. I also offered to help pay for the dress if they were having any problems. The whole BM  process is soooooooooo expensive! I’m suprised that your "best friend" isn’t being more accomodating. She is clearly not concerned with budget so I don’t know why she is making you pay for all of these things. Why isn’t she just giving you the clutch as your gift? Strange.

Post # 10
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Yeaaaaahhhhhh……….I think that any bride should think about whats more important to her….that all her closest friends be with her on her wedding day or that whoever can afford to buy the dress she wants be with her on her wedding day. Personally I’d take my friends in whatever they could afford to get/feel comfortable in (I asked them all to get black dresses of their own choosing and nude colored strappy sandals of their own choosing…no clutch…no required hotel rooms…no fancy hairdos…) because ultimately its about them celebrating with me. And as to bridesmaids realizing costs up front, sure if the bride knows when and where the wedding will be and what dress she wants when she asks you… But what if the bride doesn’t know and decides after you say yes that she wants a CA wedding because her parents live there and you live in PA…and maybe you’d assumed that the wedding would be in PA because, duh, thats where she lives….and what if she decides on a $300 monstosity of a bridesmaids dress because some wedding magazine said how "in" it is right now, when she originally was going to let you wear what you wanted….There are so many things that can change with a wedding, even after things have been "decided" on, so you really never know whats going to happen… So being both a bride and a bridesmaid at this moment (my friends wedding is 6 weeks after mine) I think it is ultimately important for the bride to consider the bridesmaids budgets if she really wants them to be part of her day.

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I think if she expected this much, she should have been clearer up front!!  How would you have known to budget for all those things?  I personally don’t believe in all the bridesmaid responsiblity stuff – beyond buying a dress, I think anything else required should be the responsibility of the bride.  And if the bride can’t afford it, then things like special shoes, purses, hair, makeup etc just shouldn’t be required.

It is so not her business to tell you how to save money and if I were you, I would consider taking her up on letting the SIL be in the wedding.  In the end, she is the one who is saying that a Bridesmaid or Best Man with the right clutch is more important to her than someone she is close to….

Post # 12
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

"<span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px”>I have to disagree, when you sign up to be a bridesmaid, you are aware of the costs involved."

 

since when does that include a mandatory clutch??! 

Post # 13
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think, from reading your post, that maybe you would like to bow out.

When we get asked to be bridesmaids- i don’t think we think "what do you expect from me" to be our first question.  We’re just delighted for our friend and feel special for being asked.

If you truly can’t afford the expenses and it will put a damper on the day if you are worried, then maybe you’d be better to go as a guest.  Are there any girls going that you could bunk up with in the hotel?

I paid for my gals 1st night in the room- and stayed with them, it helped ease the costly hotel.  Maybe the bride will let you stay with her one night?

Good luck with whatever you choose. 

Post # 14
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

oh, but as far as the hotel goes, thats all on you.  Being a bridesmaid you should have booked ASAP.

Post # 15
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It sounds like you’re really frustrated, many of us have been there in your shoes as a bridesmaid.

However, it doesn’t really sound like you want to be in this wedding.  Yes, it’s a lot of money to spend to travel to a wedding, but I’m assuming the bride asked you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a reason…that you’re a relatively close friend?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the bride to ask you to wear a specific dress, shoes and accessories. 

So the question is…is it worth being annoyed with your friend over a silly purse?  You’re saving some money by staying with your friend, so can you you make a compromise? 

If you are going to go through with it, you need to make peace with spending the money and being there for your friend.  No one wants to get married with a Bridesmaid or Best Man that has a scowl on her face.

But if you really want to be a part of it, then do it with a full heart.

Post # 16
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2008

See thats the thing though…why would someone need a specific clutch and for their friend to rent a car when they get married? That would definitely put a scowl on someone’s face and rightfully so if they are going into debt over the things they’re "required" to get for a one day event ….weddings make 98.76% of all people raging lunatics, who all of a sudden want all these things they’ve never wanted or cared about before… Sometimes it DOES take a friend saying "Hey listen, I think this is great and all but I really can’t afford it" to make a bride step back and realize that she’s gone a bit crazy with her demands… I know there are certain costs involved but why would you make your friends spend alot of money for one day if they don’t have it? I just find it funny that people will scour the internet to get, say, tea lights at bargain basement prices but when it comes to their bridesmaids dresses they automatically go with a Bridesmaids dress from a Bridal shop, rather than looking around at some "normal dresses" which are bound to be alot cheaper and alot nicer…. ??

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