Post # 17
plus, what kind of bride lectures her bm on how she should be saving and spending appropriately so that she can splurge on her bm accessories and extras? i think it is unreasonable for a bride to ask for specific dress, shoes, and accessories if it if not financially feasible for the bms to foot the bill for that specific look. i don’t think MissyJen is getting upset about just a clutch. her friend’s attitude has been very unaccomodating and rather demanding!
totally random question for MissyJen…does your friend read wbee? i was just wondering if she might ever come across this forum and think "hmm this situation sounds familiar!" and maybe her conscience would kick in. or maybe she’d just get really pissed at you and kick you out of her bridal party.
Post # 18
Ok… I think everyone is overreacting about the clutch (which i am sure is not the main part of the $1000) and car rental (not a wedding requirement just it seems an overeager suggestions).
The big expenses of being a guest are obvious: flight, gift, hotel. The big expenses of being a bridesmaid are also obvious: dress, bachelorette/shower, and potential shoes, hair and makeup. Look up any article on being a bridesmaid and you will see those expense – a 20 minute google search could have saved you an unpleasant surprise.
I hate that someone has already started bandying about the word bridezilla when it seems the bride is requesting her bridesmaid to do what is expected of a bridesmaid. She is also offering a way out (have SIL buy the dress from her) and attend as a guest. You say you CAN’T do it but why not? Is she is ‘guilting’ you then maybe she is not the kind of friend you want to oblige anyways?
I just feel like maybe this is an unreasonable bride or maybe this is a selfish bridemaid who did not think ahead about what this committment would cost and is now trying to blame someone else. I would personally like to hear the bride’s perpectives before I would call someone a "bridezilla."
Post # 19
Thanks for commenting everybody!
Emileee-no, she doesn’t read WBee-’cause if she did, she would have learned and taken a lot of things into consideration!! Wait till I get her back when I get married! (if she backs out of my future wedding b/c of costs, I will be pissed!) (I’m not getting married anytime soon but something to think about)
I do sound frustrated but at the same time, I don’t want to throw away a friendship just b/c of this.
Another thing I just thought of but forgot to mention, she also had the nerve to tell me that her bridesmaid gift (sounds like jewelry) is going to cost more than whatever shoes and the clutch I’m getting. OK WHATEVER…(it better be expensive!)
Again, it just amazes me that she has all these expectations when she and her fiancee are in debt and she doubts her family can help either.
"I don’t know what to tell you." (WHATEVER)
Does anyone know how much dyeable shoes run?
I did find a pair nice/cute/wearable-again fancy sandals on the Nordstrom website but again, it’s going to cost me $$$. Although I won’t say anything else b/c I do have a giftcard. SIGH.
Ok…;-) enough with the whining…again, thank you so much for commenting!
Post # 20
I think it would be interesting to talk about what’s expected of a bride. I have done a lot of bridemaid duty, and I have NEVER been asked to cover all my expenses. I can’t actually think of a single time. Most brides have covered the dress, some have covered dress and shoes. In the few cases where I paid for the dress, the bride covered in one case a spa day plus hair and makeup, in another case two nights hotel, and in a third case gave us beautiful cultured (not glass) pearl necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. I have never had a bride demand a purse, and seldom had one demand specific shoes. I have never been told that professional hair and makeup was not optional. I have also never been told what the total cost would be up front, but I’ve never had a bride get upset with me about not being able to afford something either.
I think that you would probably have a much better time, and lots less stress, if you just bow out now. Use your plane ticket, go to the wedding as a guest if you like, visit your other college friend. If she would really rather have you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and if she was really a good friend, she would be more understanding and less demanding. If you decided to still be in the wedding, can you maybe just stay with your friend the whole weekend? That would save some $$$, as well as skipping the spa day. And if your answer is going to be that you are somehow required to stay at the hotel – back maybe to the idea of just being a guest.
Post # 21
I don’t think the bride should have started to judge your personal finances, but maybe she was just trying to help. I’m also one of the one who was against asking the bride for help in the first place.
Anyways, if you can get away without the rental car, do it. If you find dyeable shoes, you can have them dyed to black later so you can wear them again.
Hope this helps a little bit.
Post # 22
I’m going to second suzanno on how unreasonable I think your bride’s demands are. I’ve only been a bridesmaid a couple times but each time my dress was paid for, I was advised to pick whatever shoes I wanted in a certain colour, and professional hair and makeup was optional (I did both myself). Both brides gave day-of earrings and necklaces as bridesmaids gifts, and there were no clutch/purse requirements.
Being a bridesmaid is about giving your friend your blessing and support and celebrating her marriage with her and her family. If this bride is choosing tangible items (clutch, dress, etc etc) over your friendship, bow out now and save yourself the trouble!
Post # 23
i may have missed this portion of it, but is this a local wedding for the bride and you don’t live nearby? or is everyone flying in for a destination wedding?
Would it be possible to share a hotel room with another bm? that would save you a lot of money. unfortunately the cost of the dress and shoes, etc. is what it is, but you’re smart to mention that you don’t have to participate in a "spa" day.
Best of luck on the clutch issue–this seems to be a big bit of nonsense to me–if you absolutely *have* to have it for the bride’s plan to be complete, can you buy a cream clutch of a dyeable material so you can use it again later?
Post # 24
The wedding’s in Massachusettes and I’m in California. Most of her family is in Massachusettes. His family, however, is from the Netherlands. So it’s mostly her side at this wedding. It’s going to be a small wedding about 50 people or so.
Unfortunately, i can’t share a hotel room with the other attendant (the MOH) b/c she’s married and her husband is coming. Incredibly, NOT that I WOULD, the bride did suggest sharing a room with THEM!??! "They (hotels in general) do have double beds." UMMM NOoooooooooo! The fact that she would even suggest that is ludicrious!
Unless I can find cheap cream-colored or even off white sandals (TJMax, Ross, or Marshalls) to wear, I may just have to go with the Nordstrom ones. What puzzles me is that if we can wear whatever style shoes but that it has be cream-colored, isn’t it going to look odd b/c I’m 100% sure that the cream-color of the MOH’s is going to be a different color version of cream I’m getting…NOT that I’m going to mention this and create another issue! (that and the fact the dresses are long anyway so who’s going to see regardless?!?!)
That and also cream-color with emerald green?!?! (that’s going to another post when the dress arrives from Netbride.com)
Thank god, the wedding’s not for another 3 months!
Post # 25
You can get dyeables from an online store. I got a $50 basic pair of strappy sandals from onlineshoes.com, free shipping, free exchanges. They pay for your shipping back. Zappos.com also has a good reputation.
Post # 26
To get inexpensive dyable shoes go to payless! My bridesmaids are paying for their own dress, shoes, mani – pedi, hair and make-up. I am puchasing their clutch, jewelry, and spa day for them. Most of my bm’s think I’m going overboard and am doing too much for them. I don’t know what the norm is. Every wedding I’ve been in has been different, but most cost me at least $500.
Post # 27
Though the bride my seem inconsiderate, the associated cost to being a bridesmaid should be made aware up front, either by the bride or by yourself through doing a little research. I was a bridesmaid to a very good friend and it ended up costing me approximately $3000, for a local wedding. However, I knew that my friend had very expensive taste and I knew the wedding is going to be grand because their budget was around $100K. But I knew what I was up for and I agreed to it up front. I think there is a bit of miscommunications between you guys and when the actual money goes out, both parties are surprised by how much it was going to cost. Hopefully, this won’t damage the relationship too much and at the end of the day, you are still the best friends that you are.
Post # 28
Wow ladies … I guess I have two of the most considerate and thrifty friends!! The first wedding I was in, my best friend picked dresses that were not only affordable but reusable. The shoes were from Payless and were also very affordable. My other best friend has asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, which I’m finding to be a very different experience than being a bridesmaid and she found us a great steal on our dresses ($80!!). I have a feeling she is going to be a little more demanding on the shoes/accessories, but with the dress being a little cheaper, I don’t mind.
Post # 29
I have been a bridesmaid in several weddings (5 to be exact) and I have never had a bride pay for my dress, shoes or hotel. One bride paid for my hair stylist, but that was also my "bridemaids" gift.
When I agree to be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding, I know exactly what I’m getting into and what the potential costs will be. I pretty much expect a local wedding to be around $1000 and an Out of Town wedding to be $2000 (usually more of a wedding weekend and includes all of the expenses for myself and my fiance)
Yes, I agree, that requiring a matching bag is un-reasonable and un-necessary, but the dress, shoes, hotel, hair, makeup, travel costs, bridal shower, bachelorette party, and gifts are on the bridesmaid. Any expenses that the bride offers to cover, are an added bonus.
I know it’s a lot, but remember there is a reason the bride asked YOU to be her bridesmaid and a resaon you said yes.
Post # 30
I agree with everything ynichole said. I have also been a bridesmaid a ridiculous number of times and only once (a wedding next month) has the bride paid for my dress. This is our gift and the dress was only 50 or 60 bucks. She did it because she was placing the order and just figured it would be easier to make that our gifts. Every other wedding I’ve been in, I’ve paid for my dress, shoes, hair, hotel, travel, and multiple gifts. Maybe the bride paying for all the dresses is a regional thing? Most of the weddings I’ve been in, our gifts have been our jewelry, etc. Two weddings I was in, the bride gave us little totes with our initials on them, not really a clutch, but we did carry them to the wedding, just put all our crap in there. But if we didn’t have those, we would have just had regular purses I think. For my girls, I found a great deal on their dresses (originally 150, found them for 100), I’m letting them pick whatever black shoes they want to wear (it’s a long dress, I could care less), I’ll probably give them their jewelry, and I found these great purses that I can get with their first initial on them (LOVE them!), and then maybe something else small. My girls will be responsible for their hair, make up if they want it, hotel, and getting to the wedding. We’re all out of town (including me!!), even though it’s my home town. Haha. Anyway, bottom line, definitely try to talk to the bride, I’d say the negotiable items are the shoes and the clutch, for starters. Renting a car was probably just a suggestion and I highly doubt that she was saying that you HAD to do that. I have a friend that always suggests crazy stuff like that too, and I just take it with a grain of salt. She may have just been wanting to make sure you have a good time, saying you can go exploring etc. Don’t feel like she is making you do that. Good luck!!
Post # 31
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
Ahh Missy. Hang in there darlin. If you ask me, your bride who is one of your best friends I assume, since youre in her wedding, should be sensitive to your financial situation, whatever it may be. Sure, people know it costs a lot to be in a wedding. But I dont think that means you should be REQUIRED to do anything but be a supportive and wonderful friend. I know you knew up front that you’d have to pay for your dress travel and lodging. I dont think that you should feel guilty in ANY WAY not being able to afford anything else outside of those three costs.
Come on people…dont put such high financial expectations on your best friends. I cant imagine that if my best friend couldnt be in my wedding cause she couldnt afford it, that I’d let her bow out and pick someone else with more money. I’d help her make it work. And NO, not by telling her how she can save more money each month.
Shes being unreasonable, period. Youve bought the dress, and the shoes and you’re showing up…the best you can do is be a great friend to her…forking out more cash to do crap or buy crap for her wedding is not necessary AT ALL and if she’s a true friend, she’ll love you for being there for her, even if you’re not dropping major cash on the day.
As far as shoes, wear what you can afford or what you already have. If shes asking you to wear a specific shoe, and its expensive, she should pay for them!!! I cant believe she hasnt even offered. I’m not quite sure that nowadays its standard for the bridesmaids to have to pay for shoes that are being worn once but I know if I were asked to buy a specific cream shoe for a wedding I’d be annoyed. I’ll buy a shoe I want to wear and know will wear again, our you buy the freakin shoe for me. Thats just the way I feel. I bought all my BMs shoes because I felt that this might possibly be the only time they wear them. If they were cute black satin pumps I might have felt less bad about them having to pay for them, but they were ivory strappy sandals…not exactly shoes you wear even on a monthly basis, if at all.
And if she freaks out cause you cant afford a spa day…well…its time to reevaluate the friendship.