(Closed) Bridesmaid Finanical Issues Contin’d

posted 14 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 47
8 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

My goodness this has everyones feathers ruffled, huh?

Post # 48
127 posts
Blushing bee

wow! i was a bridesmaid twice. the first, the bride took care of all of the expenses. i gave it my all, helping her in every way possible.

the second was a big expense. dress. hair/make up (she wanted them professionally done, but asked us to pay for it). big trip to vegas where we split hotel, meals, clubs, transportation, activities, and other expenses (combined bachelor/ette party). i did not want to go b/c of the cost involved, but i let it go b/c they were both my friends. the bride/groom shower. the bridal lingerie party. the shoes. the jewelry. their wedding gift. i do feel that the bride should have been more upfront about the costs, especially for the items that are beyond the usual. a simple talk/e-mail about our budget as a Bridesmaid or Best Man would have been courteous. i know the other girls and i were a bit resentful, but in the end, b/c of our friendship, we all let it go. their wedding was gorgeous, and seamless b/c of the great bridal party (nothing ever got to the b&g b/c we all took care of the details and problems), but it would have been nice if they were a bit more considerate about the costs involved. esp in the asian cultures, many times, the bride takes care of bulk of the costs, so we weren’t sure how she was going to go about it. her younger cousin had the most trouble with the expenses and talked to me about it.

thus, for our wedding, we are paying for most things (all outfits, accessories, shoes, hair/makeup, jewelry, anything that they normally wouldn’t pay), but they are all taking care of their own flight/transportation (most are local), accommodations (one will be staying with us, others with other family members, a few will stay at hotels at their own expense), and any other trip expenses.  we’re giving them nice gifts as thank you’s as well. i know it is a lot to ask to have them help out during the day and put out so much to be with us; thus, I made sure to put the bridal party costs in the budget (even though we are way over!) b/c i did not want anyone to resent standing beside us in such a special way.

good luck! i know you are just venting, and i’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time. and i hope that the expenses that you’ve incurred will come back tenfold b/c you wont put a pricetag on your friendship. hopefully, your friend will figure out that if ppl are starting to feel resentful, it’s not b/c she isn’t a good bride, but that she’s not being a good friend. on the plus side, she did offer you an out, but it sounds like you want to do it, it’s just it’s more costly than you had thought.

Post # 49
127 posts
Blushing bee

wow, hahahah, sorry for the big long essay.

Post # 50
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This thread is something else! I have been in your shoes as a broke bridesmaid.  Now that I’m the bride, I’m trying to be very aware of all of the costs.  I don’t want anyone mad at me, or to feel caught off guard.

The advice I have for you is to relax.  She really isn’t that bad. I think that she should have let you know what was expected first, but a lot of this comes with the territory. I’m sure the majority of your freakout is based on the travel expenses.  It sucks.  I think the summer before last I estimated our wedding costs to be 6000 between the two of us.  That is for travel, dresses, tuxes etc. 

Get out now if you can.  I quit a wedding due to the expenses and I do not regret it whatsoever!



Post # 51
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think the key, as with most things, is this:  If you can get beyond the cost, which you think is too high, the bride’s treatment of you, which you think is at least a little insensitive, and any general free-floating resentment you have at this point and participate with a good attitude and without regrets, you should stay.  If not, you should bow out with a smile, and let the bride get somebody who can lay out the money to stand in your place.  The thing is, your window seems to be closing, as if the other girl is to take your place she is going to need to buck up for the dress, find shoes and bag, etc, etc.  And maybe it’s easier on her, as she sounds to be local?

Not being able to afford to do everything your friends would like is not something you should feel bad about.  It’s being pushed into a position where you feel like you have no choice that creates resentment.  And you always have a choice – I would much rather have a friend let me know her limitations and even decline to take part than later on find out that she resents how difficult it was.  Your friend may sound unsympathetic right now, because she is thinking mostly about logistics, but if she already has a plan to replace you if need be, that tells me it wouldn’t be that big a deal.  It’s not like she broke down and cried and told you she simply couldn’t think what to do if you couldn’t cut it, right?  Unfortunately that puts the decision squarely back in your lap, which is a little uncomfortable.  But v is right in that you just need to make the decision and then abide by it – and if that decision is to back out, then it does probably need to be made soon.

If you’re worried that somehow backing out of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man means you ruin this friendship, I would suggest that there’s not much of a friendship to ruin.  One of my best friends, who is being a huge help with my wedding, got married six years ago and I didn’t even make it to her wedding.  For no good reason, seriously.  The travel arrangements got kind of messed up at the last minute, and I was upset and stressed and really too busy at work anyway, but I should just have tried harder.  I know she was hurt at the time, but we are still great friends, and now that I’m getting married I understand a lot better what a big deal it is…  anyway, my point is that if your friend is willing to throw away your friendship just because you can’t be her Bridesmaid or Best Man, she doesn’t value it that much in the first place.

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