Post # 1
Hello, I am a bridesmaid in a family friend’s wedding. We are not very close but I did agree to be in her wedding.
At the time I was asked, I had a good job and I knew there would be some financial committment and it was alright. My situation has changed though. I was laid off in February and have been unable to find another job and therefore I have decided to go back to school for my PhD. I am also in the process of immigrating to another country as my fiance has had to move there for work. All of this has been very pricey and I am finding that my savings are dwindling very fast.
I have already spent around 500 dollars on gifts (shower, engagment, bachorlette) as well as spent over 600 dollars on my dress, hair, makeup, nails, shoes and accessories. I was wondering how much a normal monetary gift is for the actual wedding present? The bride was complaining about how she doesn’t think certiain people will give her enough money to cover their plates and expenses and I feel like if I gave too little she would talk badly about me. She spoke to me about one of the other bridesmaid because she complained about the cost of teh dress (which was pricey at 300 dollars).
Also, some background: I am engaged myself but because of lack of money we have decided to have a city hall wedding and then a very small and intimate ceremony a few months later when we can afford it. I just am starting to feel like the bride sees me as an ATM machine even though she knows my circumstances and how tight things are for me right now. She constantly complains about how she doesn’t have enough money for her wedding so she needs people to “pay up” if they plan on attending and she has already spoken to me about how she was dissapointed I could not “pitch in” 150 dollars for a honeymoon for her. I had to politely decline this as I feel like I have already put in so much money..over 1000 and that does not include her actual wedding gift. I just could not afford it as I have my own expenses.
Some advice would be greatly appreciated as the wedding is in 2 weeks and I am not sure how to go about this!
Post # 2
Erlinn77: Wow, this is a tough one. It sounds like the bride is so wrapped up in her own financial worries that she is blind to yours. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you expressed how you are feeling to her? Explained how much money you have spent so far and that you’re stressed about money also?
Post # 3
That bitch gets nothing.
1. Guests aren’t responsible for paying their way at the wedding. The bride and groom are. Guests give what they’re comfortable with. If I knew this chick, I would show up and drink all of her expensive booze then leave a lovely empty card.
2. Since when is it the bridal party’s responsibility to fund the honeymoon? She’s seriously delusional. I don’t even know her and I hate her.
You’ve spent WAY more than you needed to on this woman and her pretty princess day. She doesn’t deserve a gift. Not because you really can’t afford it but because she’s a cunt.
Post # 4
I was in a very similar situation and this may not help, but we’re no longer friends. We were closer than you two are, I was her MOH and she was my best friend for 8 years. However, I was also a student and had only a part time job so everything I needed to buy for the wedding was depleting my savings as well… my parents actually had to give me money for the hair and make-up!
I made her and her husband a gift instead (I’m crafty) because I couldn’t afford monetary and they honestly told me that they would prefer money. So I didn’t give them their gift I had worked on for months and gave them a card with $60 in it (which was actually from my BF)… I was so angry at her for not understanding my financial position an she was fully aware of it.
My advice is to talk to her about it, tell her that you’ve spent over $1,000 already (to which you didn’t have to) and all she’ll be getting is what you can afford. If that happens to be nothing, then you’re the gift to her… you have done so much already for her and if she can’t see that then she’s not a true friend. I found that out the hard way with my former best friend and honestly, I don’t feel bad about it at all. The selfish brides (and grooms) are the ones who lose friends after their weddings and you shouldn’t feel bad about it at all.. its not your problem! Since you have everything paid for already, go through with the wedding but don’t feel bad about only giving what you can afford. People who think that weddings are a cash grab are the ones who don’t care about their guests and if they chose the $200 a plate dinner, that’s their problem.
Sorry if I rambled but I have begun to hate selfish people lol
Post # 5
You give her a nice card with your sincere congratulations and call it a day. If you can’t afford something, you can’t afford it. Nobody expects you to eat ramen for the next ten years to give a wedding gift.
Really, this is why you should only ask people you love to be your bridesmaids, and you should only accept to be a bridesmaid for someone you love. Because a real friend wouldn’t bitch about her bridesmaids like this.
Post # 6
I would give her a nice card (even if she wasn’t so self centered, selfish and rude). As a member of the bridal party you have already spent a small fortune on her wedding.
Post # 7
Most of my bridesmaids didn’t get us an additional gift. I say additional because they planned and hosted a bridal shower, bachelorette, and paid for a portion of their attire.
If the bride talks bad about you about this… SHE’S the one who looks bad, not you.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
I think you’ve already spent way more than necessary. She doesn’t even sound appreciative. I’d give her a nice card and maybe a photo in a frame. Sometime sentimental or hand made.
Post # 9
This is tough… Given everything you’ve written about her, it sounds like you probably won’t be good friends after this wedding no matter what you do. Maybe if you gave her a $200 gift she might be happy and accept you back into her graces after not chipping in for her honeymoon (what?! who asks for that?!) and let you listen to her complain about other people who didn’t give her a big enough gift, but my guess is if you give a gift at like $60 (think of the PP who mentioned her friend who told her not to give the handmade gift — what?! handmade is the best! I am so sorry, jessica.j.baron, I can’t believe someone wouldn’t accept a gift from a good friend made with love! so sad) then she’ll probably be upset and won’t want to be your friend. So, if she’s going to be upset at a $60 or a $100 or whatever gift she deems too “cheap,” then wouldn’t it be better for her to be upset at a $0 gift and you save yourself some money for food? Plus, it sounds like you aren’t even really friends with her, so who cares if she’s upset? I’d just write her a nice card (that mentions how many things you’ve been involved in, haha), and explain to her in person that you’ve really loved celebrating with her and are so grateful for the honor of being her bridesmaid! And you are so sorry, you really hope she understands that you are in a financial bind because of your job situation, and because of the $1100 you’ve spent on all the other things, you won’t be able to give an additional gift for the wedding (I like JiminyCricket‘s comment about it being additional, because seriously, BM’s put in so much as it is!).
I’d write something like this in the card:
Biggest congratulations, Bride & Groom!!
I am so thrilled for you… blah blah… happy wishes…
Thank you for including me in your big day, it’s been an honor to celebrate every step of the way. From the bridal shower to the engagement party, the bachelorette party to the wedding, I’ve enjoyed being by your side and seeing you glow as a bride-to-be and now a wife!
I wish you a life of happiness, health, and love. All the best,
Conversely… could you let her know now that you cannot afford an additional wedding gift, unless you could do your own hair/makeup instead of having to pay for that? Give her the option of which she would prefer?
Post # 10
I agree with all of the other posters. I would definitely shorten this..4 minutes seems like a lot for each bridesmaid!
Post # 11
Not sure what happened with my above post! I was trying to respond to someone elses question and ended up deleting my response to all you wonderful people!
Anyway thank you all for the responses! I was starting to feel like I was being a bad bridesmaid but I feel much much better now. I am going to just get a nice card and give what I can..which is not a lot. She is fully aware about my financial issues right now and she knows that things are very tight for me. I know she will not be happy but I have tried to speak to her about it and she was not very happy. Oh well..I am not going to skip my bills to pay for her wedding. She is spending way more than she can afford..which would be fine but she expects others to help pay for it.
jessica.j.baron: I am really sorry to hear that you former best friend did not want to accept your handmade gift. I would be very grateful for anything that my friends would give me. There are a lot of selfish and greedy brides and grooms out there that just see their wedding as a cash grab and it is very sad.
ilovebacon: your comment made me laugh out loud! She actually asked the MOH (her sister) to ask the rest of the bridal party to each give 150 dollars so that they could go on a honeymoon…this was in addition to all the other costs and in addition to a monetary gift on her actual day. The bride was very upset when I said no and when a groomsman said no. She claimed that we did not care enough about her to spend the money on her.
Post # 12
Uh, why are you friends with her?! You’ve already spent loads, which is already ridiculous given how you’re not cash-rich right now. Who on Earth does she think she is that she can demand money for her honeymoon and then be pissed off when people say no?! I would seriously just drop out, you really shouldn’t just allow people to treat you like that.
Post # 13
cece_intheuk: We are not very close. We grew up together but in the past 7 or 8 years we have not really kept in touch other than seeing each other at events like weddings.
I really was considering dropping out but I have already paid for the dress and everything. The wedding is so close at this point I just want to get it over with! That sounds terrible to say but she has really been a nightmare to deal with lately. I did lose my cool with her a few days ago..I wasn’t outright rude but I did say that the bridal party was there to support her and the groom but that we all have our own bills to pay. I am actually seen as a trouble maker in the bridal party simply because I have voiced my concerns about the amount of money that she is trying to get us to spend. As a result she has been giving me the cold shoulder.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Generally, as a bridesmaid, my participation (dress, bachelorette, etc) is my “gift” and at the wedding itself I usually go with something small yet meaningful – a book I think the bride would like and a handwritten letter wishing her all the best, for instance. That’s for people I like. This bride sounds like a real peach 9_9 I suspect that no matter what you do, you aren’t going to please her. Give her a bottle of wine or the cheapest item on the registry plus a nice card and be done with it. She will probably talk trash about you. But it sounds like she’ll probably talk trash no matter WHAT you do, so why assume the extra costs?
Post # 15
rachel85: I really love the book and handwritten letter idea. She would probably flip if I did that but it really is a sweet and heartfelt idea. I do agree with you and that no matter what she will complain.. Which is why I’m not going to give her more than what I can..like you said I would rather not give extra when I know it won’t be appreciated.