Post # 1
So tomorrow is my big day and I am very calm and happy right now. But I just have to post about this incredibly crazy situation.
I have posted before about one of my bridesmaids who hasn’t been very involved in anything, but I didn’t know if it was because she wasn’t interested, she was working a lot, or because of her controlling boyfriend. I had my rehearsal on Thursday so that I could spend time with my siblings on Friday that I never get to see.
Thursday afternoon I had sent out a reminder text about the rehearsal and dinner that night. I received a text back from my bm that said “Is everyone paying for their own?” I replied with “No” and then an hour later I added “It’s like a thank you dinner.” So then I receive a text back that says “Well, don’t thank us” That was kind of weird and I thought it was a joke so I replied back “huh?” Then here’s is the next series of texts that I received…
“Ok look u have a problem with me that u apparently can talk to everyone but me about so we’ve got your money and I need the receipt for the dress.” (I had loaned her the money to buy her dress and they still had some to pay back).
“My family and i are not going to have anything to do with this- travis” (Travis is her controlling boyfriend)
“I’m not gonna do this. U have had plenty of time to come talk to me. Have a nice life”
Let me assure you that I did NOTHING to bring this on. Not a single thing, I love my friend and don’t have anything negative to say other than I wish she would get away from her boyfriend. So I go into panic-attack mode at work and I quickly wrap everything up and leave to head to her house to find out what the problem is. I didn’t know if I should expect a punch in the face or what. I could barely breathe as I drove over there. So I get there and knock on the door, and my bm comes out balling her eyes out! I just said “what’s going on?” She said that it was her boyfriend and that I did nothing wrong. Apparently he had sent ALL of those texts and is REFUSING TO LET HER be in the wedding or even go to the wedding. He also was the one that wouldn’t let her participate in any of the things that she missed. There were so many excuses that he had… he was mad about the money she spent on the dress, he was mad because my fiance said a prayer at the cookout we had, he was mad that I haven’t had time to come over and hang out, he was mad that my fiance and I go to church, etc. It is INSANE! I feel so sorry for her and I told her that I am not mad at her, but that I cannot ever talk to her boyfriend again because he did this.
So two days before my wedding I found out that I am down a bridesmaid. One spot that is left empty. Luckily I have my 9 year old daughter as a junior bridesmaid with the same dresses that the other bm’s are wearing, so I am just having her walk in my friend’s spot as a regular bridesmaid. What else can I do?
Sorry, it was just such a weird situation that I had to share!
Post # 15
Is there any way you can see her when he’s not around (at her place of work, when he’s guaranteed not to be home, etc) and talk to her? His behavior is totally unacceptable, and whether or not she’s ready to admit it, she needs to get out of this relationship.
He is cutting her off from people who can help her, it’s just another way of controlling her. That’s why you need to talk to her when he isn’t there/won’t know about it. Why you can’t call (he probably checks her phone records), email (he probably reads her email) or text (he obviously has control of her phone).
Something this major might be a breaking point for her. The truth is, your friend is in a VERY dangerous place – if he is not already physically abusive, I would be willing to bet obscene amounts of money that he will be soon. It will take something major (like this) to help her realize that and sort of snap emotionally though – she has to snap or she’ll never let herself leave, because he has succeeded in gaining control over her emotionally. She is trapped, not physically but mentally, by him. You, as her friend, can help her realize (for herself) that she doesn’t have to stay, use the situation as leverage.
I know your wedding is in 2 days, but honestly the sooner you try to help her, the better. Otherwise time will sort of heal the wound and she’ll make excuses for him and it will lose it’s effectiveness. Is there any way you or another good friend who knows and really understands the situation could get to her and talk to her asap, make her talk, keep pressing “Why is this acceptable?” until she realizes it’s not?
Post # 16
This sucks but if I were you I’d let it go. If you can somehow force her back into your wedding, who knows what he is capable of? He may cause some dramatic scene, show up, etc. Remember your overall goal, which is for everything go smoothly and have a great time.
Post # 17
I just wanna say I don’t know why I thought this was the night before your wedding. Oh gosh haha I am such a space cadet sometimes!
Post # 18
Congrats on your wedding today, can’t wait to see recaps!
I really hope you don’t drop her as a friend because there are probably so many things going on in her life that you are unaware of, horrible things that she’s too ashamed to admit.
I was in her shoes 5 years ago when I was Maid/Matron of Honor at my BF’s wedding. My boyfriend at the time was very abusive and he kept warning me if I continued being a part of the wedding that I would be sorry. He kept saying because my BF hated him (for good reasons obviously) that I was choosing her over him and our daughter. WTF? I thought he was stupid for making me feel that way, and I was not going to dismiss my BF (who I’ve known since 5th grade). I spent the night with her at a hotel before the wedding, and he called me repeatedly saying not to even bother coming home. After the reception I guess I didn’t get home soon enough because things got very ugly, and I was punched in the face the minute I got out of the car (still in my beautiful bridesmaid’s dress).
I guess the point of this is that there can be a side of the story that you may not realize. So please don’t take it personally if she can’t take a more active role in your wedding. She may be full of regret and fear, and I hope her experience is not like mine exactly. Hopefully she can find the strength to leave him if he’s that controlling and abusive, and I hope your friendship is still available to her because she’s going to need it.
Post # 19
If nobody changes anything for her… nothing will ever change in that relationship. She obviously doesn’t have the courage to change it herself, or it wouldn’t have gone on this long. She definately needs help. Things might even get worse, but from the pattern you’ve described, they are not going to magically get better if nobody steps in.
Post # 20
@daydreamwanderer & @ScooterBride – The problem is there isn’t much anyone can do to help her, even if they wanted to. If you put too much pressure on her about the relationship, eventually she will cut ties with you.
I’m sure there are some cases where intervention works, but it seems like this is a pretty common story and being in the situation myself I know that “being there” for her doesn’t do any good.
A while ago I thought that if I constantly reminded my sister about all the negatives of her relationship, she would one day snap out of it. At first, she would kind of brush it off and say, “Yeah, I know he’s a jerk sometimes…” Then she started getting upset whenever I said anything. She didn’t want to hear it. Finally she stopped talking to me altogether. We went for a few months without talking.