Post # 1
So tomorrow is my big day and I am very calm and happy right now. But I just have to post about this incredibly crazy situation.
I have posted before about one of my bridesmaids who hasn’t been very involved in anything, but I didn’t know if it was because she wasn’t interested, she was working a lot, or because of her controlling boyfriend. I had my rehearsal on Thursday so that I could spend time with my siblings on Friday that I never get to see.
Thursday afternoon I had sent out a reminder text about the rehearsal and dinner that night. I received a text back from my bm that said “Is everyone paying for their own?” I replied with “No” and then an hour later I added “It’s like a thank you dinner.” So then I receive a text back that says “Well, don’t thank us” That was kind of weird and I thought it was a joke so I replied back “huh?” Then here’s is the next series of texts that I received…
“Ok look u have a problem with me that u apparently can talk to everyone but me about so we’ve got your money and I need the receipt for the dress.” (I had loaned her the money to buy her dress and they still had some to pay back).
“My family and i are not going to have anything to do with this- travis” (Travis is her controlling boyfriend)
“I’m not gonna do this. U have had plenty of time to come talk to me. Have a nice life”
Let me assure you that I did NOTHING to bring this on. Not a single thing, I love my friend and don’t have anything negative to say other than I wish she would get away from her boyfriend. So I go into panic-attack mode at work and I quickly wrap everything up and leave to head to her house to find out what the problem is. I didn’t know if I should expect a punch in the face or what. I could barely breathe as I drove over there. So I get there and knock on the door, and my bm comes out balling her eyes out! I just said “what’s going on?” She said that it was her boyfriend and that I did nothing wrong. Apparently he had sent ALL of those texts and is REFUSING TO LET HER be in the wedding or even go to the wedding. He also was the one that wouldn’t let her participate in any of the things that she missed. There were so many excuses that he had… he was mad about the money she spent on the dress, he was mad because my fiance said a prayer at the cookout we had, he was mad that I haven’t had time to come over and hang out, he was mad that my fiance and I go to church, etc. It is INSANE! I feel so sorry for her and I told her that I am not mad at her, but that I cannot ever talk to her boyfriend again because he did this.
So two days before my wedding I found out that I am down a bridesmaid. One spot that is left empty. Luckily I have my 9 year old daughter as a junior bridesmaid with the same dresses that the other bm’s are wearing, so I am just having her walk in my friend’s spot as a regular bridesmaid. What else can I do?
Sorry, it was just such a weird situation that I had to share!
Post # 3
That is so sad….
I am sorry you are down a bridesmaid, but your friend really needs to get out of that relationship before it is to late. I hope she didn’t get into trouble for you going over there. Please don’t drop her as a friend. She really needs you now. She might not be able to contact you when she wants to, but one of these days, you will probably get a call to come to her. I think she needs to find some place safe to go to get away from her boyfriend. But she has to come to that decision on her own. Just make sure she knows that you support her with whatever she decided to do. If it is up to her boyfriend, she will have no family or friends available to her.
Post # 4
It has definitely gotten that bad. I talked to her for a little bit when I went over there, told her I loved her and that if she ever needed anything to just let me know. She has been with him for 10 years, we lost touch for about 5 years up until this year. And now I know that is why, because of her boyfriend. They have a one-year old and that makes things so much harder. When he said he didn’t want to go to the rehearsal, she said “Fine, I’ll just go.” And he told her he wasn’t going to watch the baby by himself. So she said, “Fine, I will just take him with me.” And he told her that she couldn’t do that. She also has no car and can’t drive his so he controls her every move. It’s sad, but ultimately she is the only one that can get herself out.
Post # 5
@noritake22: Agree 100%, but the catch is she wont be willing to leave. She is in an abusive relationship. You cant change that, only she can. The sad part is that you are here in happiness, and she is the one who needs the most help. Please help her. But please also appreciate the gifts you have been given.
Post # 6
@aubrav:typical of a controlling bf or husband ( not surprising) but remind her that you will do what you can and that she has the abilities to do it for herself. She has been remote for a long time, but she needs you now more than she has ever needed you, even if the thank is not returned.
Post # 7
It can’t hurt to try and help her find options of getting away from him. The hardest part is getting away to begin with. My father abused me, but for some insane reason, I never thought about leaving, plenty of people knew what was going on, and yet nobody lifted a finger to help me get out. When I finally got the guts to leave on my own, everyone and their dog was waiting to help me, which was great… but it would have been soooo much easier if I’d had help just getting out. Sometimes a person in that situation can only think of the bad things that might happen if they leave, and not consider how good the decision could turn out to be. Just an example. I’ve been there, done that, and know just how much it can suck.
There’s always organizations and shelters that are more than willing to help out a mother and child. All you have to do is ask. If one organization can’t help, they’ll most certainly have a list of others that can.
Post # 8
Over this past year that I’ve gotten back in touch with her I have tried giving her every avenue I could think of, and will continue to as I think of more. I’m not cutting the tie by any means, I am just not going to hang out with her boyfriend like nothing is wrong. I didn’t realize it was quite this bad, that he would at the last minute do this to her, but I had an idea that it was pretty bad. She works, he doesn’t and like I said, he controls her every move. She only has one friend that is allowed to come over and hang out and that is someone she met at work. It’s really horrible. I wish I could just offer her a place to stay or something, I don’t know the magic words to get her to leave.
Post # 9
First of all congratulations on your last night as miss!! I am so sorry you have to deal with this the night before your wedding 🙁 how sad for your friend that she is in a situation like this. I second what everyone else said by just continuing to be there for her, she needs a rock she can hold on to. I know it’s a heavy burden to bear but if she is your friend you should do whatever you can to help her out. I just wanna find her and hug her 🙁 and kick her bf in his “man”hood.
Post # 10
@aubrav: Help find her a safe shelter to stay at, arrange a time to meet up with her when he isn’t there, and just help her quickly pack up the absolute essentials. Get the heck out of Dodge. Drive her to the safe shelter and help her get checked in, and make sure she has what she needs. It sounds like a big harsh step, but that’s how things get started. She may loose posessions and confidance, and it will be hard for a while, but it sounds like the eventual benefits would outweigh the negatives. Having been in a similar situation, I’ve always told all my friends that if they find themselves in a similar bind, they shouldn’t hesitate to call me, now that I’m on my own feet and can return the favor (though hopefully I won’t need to). Ten years is way too long to have somebody ruin a life like that.
Post # 12
Sorry to sound negative, but I think you need to drop her as a friend. =(
Let her know that you will always be there for her if she really needs you or when she is ready to get out of the relationship. Until then, there is absolutely nothing that you can do to help her.
I’m in the exact same situation. Unfortunately, the girl is my sister and I cannot simply break up with her. My family and I have tried everything – EVERYTHING we can think of to get her away from him. I even offered to let her live with me and my Fiance for free, for as long as she needed to get back on her feet.
Sadly so many girls stay in abusive relationships and it hurts everyone around them. I wish that she wasn’t my sister because I do not want to be friends with her. It hurts me so much to see her husband manipulating her, and all she does is defend him. Stupid girl.
Post # 13
get a bunch of the groomsmen to kidnap him and keep him locked up in the hotel closet for the rest of the weekend. O_O
Post # 14
@LisaC: That is where I am at right now. I don’t know how to help her anymore, but I do want her to know that I am here when she is ready or if she needs anything. It is very hard to watch her go through these things and then when he isn’t being mean to her, its like she forgets the wrong that he does, or just doesn’t want to think about it.
@Miss Tattoo: My Fiance was pissed! He even said he would get all of the groomsmen to go over there and knock some sense into him. Apparently none of them got a very good vibe off of her bf at the cookout we had. He would never actually do that because its not right, but he was so angry about the whole situation.
Post # 15
Is there any way you can see her when he’s not around (at her place of work, when he’s guaranteed not to be home, etc) and talk to her? His behavior is totally unacceptable, and whether or not she’s ready to admit it, she needs to get out of this relationship.
He is cutting her off from people who can help her, it’s just another way of controlling her. That’s why you need to talk to her when he isn’t there/won’t know about it. Why you can’t call (he probably checks her phone records), email (he probably reads her email) or text (he obviously has control of her phone).
Something this major might be a breaking point for her. The truth is, your friend is in a VERY dangerous place – if he is not already physically abusive, I would be willing to bet obscene amounts of money that he will be soon. It will take something major (like this) to help her realize that and sort of snap emotionally though – she has to snap or she’ll never let herself leave, because he has succeeded in gaining control over her emotionally. She is trapped, not physically but mentally, by him. You, as her friend, can help her realize (for herself) that she doesn’t have to stay, use the situation as leverage.
I know your wedding is in 2 days, but honestly the sooner you try to help her, the better. Otherwise time will sort of heal the wound and she’ll make excuses for him and it will lose it’s effectiveness. Is there any way you or another good friend who knows and really understands the situation could get to her and talk to her asap, make her talk, keep pressing “Why is this acceptable?” until she realizes it’s not?
Post # 16
This sucks but if I were you I’d let it go. If you can somehow force her back into your wedding, who knows what he is capable of? He may cause some dramatic scene, show up, etc. Remember your overall goal, which is for everything go smoothly and have a great time.