- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Fair warning – this post is going to be very long.
I have a friend that I have been close with for about 10 years now. We are very different but have a very close bond, almost like sisters. We can go a month without talking and then instantly pick up right where we left off. I have thought of her as one of my best friends for a very long time and the night I got engaged I instantly asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. She was pregnant with her 2nd child at the time, which didn’t matter – the wedding was going to be 16 months away. She was ecstatic and agreed. For the first few weeks she would call and talk to me about my colors and my date and venue and all of the details and then it slowly dropped off, which I didn’t mind. I decided to go look at dresses about 6 weeks after I got engaged. I knew it was early but, I had found a dress on-line I loved and I really wanted to try it on and try on some others too. I made an appointment and had asked my Maid/Matron of Honor, bridesmaids, grandmother, flower girl, and the flower girl’s mother to come along. I told the girls that if there was time left in the appointment I wanted them to try on the dresses I had my eye on for them and I told the Maid/Matron of Honor that even though she was pregnant and couldn’t really try it on at least she could see what the dress looked like and that it may not even be the one I went with and we would just have a later appointment for the bridesmaids anyway. Everyone was on board. Then the day of the appointment the Maid/Matron of Honor told me her daughter was sick and she couldn’t make it. I was upset but, what could she do, her daughter was sick. Later that day she posted pictures of her and her daughter at a local carnival around the same time she would have been dress shopping with me. This really upset me. I actually found my dress that day, everyone cried when I came out of the dressing room, it is a memory I will always have, and she won’t be a part of that memory. Plus, she lied. I let her know that I was really upset that she lied to me and her response was “it’s not like I could have tried on dresses anyway”. I let her know that the day wasn’t about her, it was about me. I was upset that she wasn’t there for me, for the moment that I found my dress, for the moment I will always remember.
Flash forward almost a year, we have really drifted apart, barely spoken too much and our relationship has definitely changed. She had gotten into taking prescription pills and drinking heavily. She had blown her whole savings (thousands of dollars) on drugs. I am still hoping that we will get back to the way we were though, she was telling me that she was stopping with the pills. My other bridesmaid sets up something with the Maid/Matron of Honor to discuss my shower. The bridesmaid sets it up to meet at the MOH’s house because Maid/Matron of Honor is either late for everything or doesn’t show up. The bridesmaid is driving 45 minutes to meet her but, figures this is the best way to make sure it gets done. Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t even home – never called, text, or returned bridesmaids calls or texts. This is when I finally lose my patience with her. I let her know that it’s one thing to stand me up and waste my time but, when she is wasting the time of other’s that I care about that is when I put my foot down. I told her that she obviously has no desire to be the Maid/Matron of Honor and I don’t even know if she wants to be a bridesmaid or even my friend at this point. I brought up all of the ways she had let me down in the past (went to the beach instead of attending my mom’s viewings, went out on the boat with her boyfriend instead of attending my housewarming – and she doesn’t call when she’s not planning on coming, she just doesn’t come) and reminded her of all of the things I have done for her (helped her register when she was pregnant with her first child, helped her clean and set up the baby’s room, left work and sat at the hospital with her while she was in labor). Long story short, she agreed that she had been a horrible friend and didn’t deserve to be the Maid/Matron of Honor but, if I would allow it she would still like to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course I want her to be a part of my day but I want to make sure she really wants to be involved. I told her if she didn’t she could tell me then and there would be no hard feelings and she told me that she 100% wanted to be a bridesmaid.
About 5 weeks later came the bridesmaids dress appointment, it was at 12:00 PM. At 12:01 PM I get a call from her boyfriend asking what time she is supposed to be there and telling me that she is in the bathroom throwing up and she can’t make it. He then goes on to tell me just to order her a certain size, which they won’t do, you need to be fitted. I let this instance slide just in case she really was sick. I met her at the shop 4 days later to get fitted for her dress but, once again, she missed the opportunity to try on dresses and have an input on the dress that was picked. When it came time to pay she told me she didn’t know she had to put the deposit down and that she didn’t have it. I told her I would put it down for her and she told me that she would have it back to me in two weeks max because they were getting a large tax refund.
One month later, appointment to order shoes, I text her the night before to remind her and didn’t hear anything back (and let me clarify, I make sure these appointments work for everyone before I schedule them). I’m there, my other girls are there, she never showed up. I get a text from her 6 hours after the appointment letting me know that she had to go out of state for a “family emergency” (maybe it really was but she was posting pictures of her family out to dinner and drinking and having a blast the whole time she was there but, that’s none of my business). She then goes on to tell me that she will be there for weeks and won’t be back for my shower either so, she missed my bridal shower too. And you would think that if she really cared she would have sent me a text on the day of my shower saying something like “I am so sorry I couldn’t be there, I truly hope you had the best day” or maybe she would have gotten me a card when she got home – she never even acknowledge it. And she has also made no attempt to get the shoes or pay me back for the dress deposit and I know she has had the money because she posts everything she does and buys on FB so money is not an issue.
She did text me about two weeks after the shower stating how she knows that she has been an awful friend and she knows she will regret it one day but she has just been in a downward spiral and has even thought about suicide. She told me that she had gotten back on prescription pills and I knew from looking at her FB pictures that she was drinking heavily. I told her that she really needs to seek out some help and I asked her if her boyfriend was at home with her and helping her and she had told me he had come home from work to be with her. She told me she was going to look for a doctor and I thought she really would this time.
So, then, two weeks ago she posts some cryptic message on FB about needing to fall off the edge to know how bad you have gotten or something along those lines so I text her to check on her and she tells me that she got arrested over the weekend. She was taking prescription pills (not prescribed to her) and drinking. She blacked out, assaulted her boyfriend, assaulted his step-father, and threw potted plants through his parent’s windows. Here is my dilemma – she obviously has some serious problems, she has had them for a while now but, she won’t get help. I can’t feel sorry for someone that won’t help themselves. I seriously think she is bi-polar and I also think she may have post-partum depression on top of it. I have told her numerous times in the past 6 months that I think she needs to seek psychiatric and addiction assistance and she acknowledges that she does and then just blows it off until the next major thing happens.
Well, I find out that she told someone else that she had completely resigned from my wedding so I asked her about it and her response to me was “I’m still not sure, I’m just taking things day by day”. She told me that she was embarrassed to be in front of people and felt self conscious. I’m not trying to be selfish here but this is my wedding, not just a party you can stop by if you are feeling up to it on the day of. And I would feel so much more sympathetic for her if she were actually trying to get some help. I don’t do well with drug addiction, especially pills. My mother died from an overdose of prescription pills that were actually prescribed to her. The last few years of her life I spent watching her high as a kite and my “friend” knows this. I’m just at a loss right now and I don’t know what to do. Like I said, she obviously needs help but, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. And as selfish as it sounds, this is MY day and she has ruined so much of it already. Most of the stress has come from her and I don’t know how much more I can take. Just the thought of having her in the wedding still has me so stressed out. I have to worry about if she’s going to pick up her dress within the two week window, if she will get alterations, what shoes she will wear since she never ordered any, will she be on time to the rehearsal dinner, will she come at all, will she be high, will she be to the hotel on time for hair and make-up, will she even show up for the wedding, is she does show up for the wedding will she be high, will she get plastered with the open bar, will she start a fight at my wedding with her boyfriend? I seriously can’t take it.