Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2016 - Birtsmorton Court, Worcestershire, UK
My bridesmaids (my older sister and my best friend of over 15 years) and I had our joint hair trial yesterday. My sister is 40 this year and is a little bit sore about the fact that I am getting married a week after her 40th birthday. Anyway, I have always wanted vintage style waves with my hair held back on one side with a pretty comb. I had envisioned a classy up do for my maids, and had asked them both to bring inspiration pictures to the trial so that we could choose something together. Neither of them did, although my best friend had at least saved some images on her phone – but dropped said phone down the toilet on the morning of the trial, and came to the trial with it in a sock filled with rice! These things happen I guess!
My trial went well – I really liked how my hair turned out, although I’d make a few tiny adjustments on the day.
The bridesmaids trial? Not so well. My best friend was as gracious as ever and said she’d like whatever I wanted. However, my sister demanded a half up and half down curly style (because she said she “has no neck”) and so the hair dresser did the same style for both girls. The finished result looked a little bit prom-ish and didn’t coordinate with my hair at all. In fact I looked like the odd one out! We could have been going to different parties. I am so cross that I didn’t speak up for myself!
Now, I’m paying for hair (and makeup) because I definitely need help in that area and thought it would be nice for the girls to have a pamper too. I appreciate that bridesmaids are not props and I don’t want to push them out of their comfort zone, but I don’t think my request is too demanding. Should the bridesmaids (or more specifically my sister) suck it up and go for the style of my choosing, or should I just let them have whatever they want?
Post # 2
DGN85 : I think your request is reasonable. Your sister should suck it up.
My opinion is that you choose how the bridesmaids look on the day, as long as (a) you pay, (b) it doesn’t affect how they look outside the wedding day (like demanding it be cut or coloured), (c) it’s not demeaning (like a dress with more cleavage than they’re comfortable with). So if she doesn’t like the hairstyle, that’s like if she doesn’t like the bridesmaid dress colour you’ve chosen – that’s part of what you put up with when you agree to be a bridesmaid.
As for how you handle your sister, who is being difficult… no idea.
Post # 3
DGN85 : When you said you are paying, did you mean for everyone or just yourself? If you are paying for everyone then you get to choose what they have however still try to be understanding of their comfort levels and please don’t force them into doing something they really don’t want.
Post # 4
I paid for my bridesmaids hair and make up and “let” them choose whatever style they wanted for both. For me the women feeling confident and beautiful was most important to me. They looked great in pics and it didn’t look odd or clashing! When different styles suit different peoples features I do kind of find it odd to slap the exact same thing on everyone. Personally I would just let them each wear whatever they like. If the looks weren’t cohesive than that’s your stylists fault – it shouldn’t be hard to creat a half up/half down style that fits your overall aesthetic. If that’s your sisters only preference you could even find an inspo pic that you like.
Post # 5
DGN85 : You are not going to look like the odd one out, you are the bride. I find it very strange when a bride tries to make bridesmaids have matching hair.
I paid for my bridesmaids hair and let them decide how they wanted to have it, because they all suit different styles.
I also HATE wearing my hair up, it doesn’t suit me at all so I would be uncomfortable if someone tried to make me wear it that way.
If you don’t think the hair looked good I think you would be better just letting them both choose different styles.
Post # 6
DGN85 : “The finished result looked a little bit prom-ish and didn’t coordinate with my hair at all. In fact I looked like the odd one out! We could have been going to different parties.”
This is silly. It’s hair! Since when do hair styles have to match? Nobody will care. Let them have the hair they want.
Post # 7
No one will care. I understand your point of view and you could push it if you wanted but you might want to pick your battles. If the girls like it id be tempted to ask for some basic tweaks if all happy then leave it.
Post # 8
I get that you are going for a cohesive look but I would be pretty irate if someone tried to tell me that I absolutely MUST wear my hair up… I have a very round face and am super self conscious about my shoulders/neck area and wearing my hair up would make me feel vulnerable.
Do you want your maids with (beautiful) hair that they feel comfortable with or uncomfortable, half-assed, smiles in all of your wedding photos?
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2016 - Birtsmorton Court, Worcestershire, UK
Thank you all for your comments.
aussiemum1248 : I do believe my request was perfectly reasonable – it’s not as if I’m asking for a multicoloured Mohawk or a shaved head! I’m paying (and for the trials as well, although it seems bridesmaid trials aren’t that common here on the boards), it doesn’t affect how they look outside the wedding, and it’s certainly not demeaning.
My sister has been difficult throughout the whole wedding planning process – I think that’s says it all!
Sukii : Yes, I’m paying for hair and makeup for everyone – my mum and my mother in law to be too! I thought I was being understanding of their comfort levels – I don’t understand where my sister’s sudden reluctance to wear her hair up comes from as she wears her hair up for work most days, even though she doesn’t have to.
Beegritte : Them feeling confident and beautiful IS really important to me. I understand that one style does not fit all and I agree that the stylist is partly to blame here, but in her defence she was perhaps put on the spot as she was expecting to create up do’s for them both.
MancBee : I suppose being the bride, I SHOULD look like the odd one out really. To save any further hassle I will just let them have whatever they want, but a second trial is not in my budget and I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking them to pay for it, so it may be a case of winging it on the day!
BubblesandCupcakes : The styles don’t have to match, but some cohesion would have been nice, we’re part of the same bridal party!
UK-bee : I understand that no one else cares about hair, but I care!
smalltownbigworld : Of course I want my maids to have beautiful hair that they feel comfortable with, but I feel like my sister is being deliberately difficult.
Post # 10
If you’re paying, you get final say! Within reason obviously. As you said you’re not asking them to get dreadlocks or bizarre hair sculptures. Compile a few options that you like and have them choose from that so it seems more collaborative. In the end if she refuses to pick one you’ll just have to be firm 🙁 you could secretly get your other BMs to tell her how much up-dos suit her!
Post # 11
It sounds to me that there are wider issues with your sister? What does it matter that your wedding is a week after her birthday?
If you can sort these issues you may find that the hair style is no longer a problem!
Post # 12
Beegritte : I really agree with this. Giving them a choice to be your bridesmaid and retain their personality is important. I’m letting my bridesmaids pick their own dresses and shoes. I have a colour scheme but I think it’s important that they feel like themselves in what they wear.
Post # 13
DGN85 : I think this is a sticky situation. You can’t force someone to use a specific hair style. You can offer you’re opinion but people don’t have to go with what you want. For example myself I suffer from psorasis of the scalp, so no way would I wear my hair up. If you were insistant of that I would probably bow out of being a bridesmaid. I get you have you’re vision (I had the same idea) but in all honesty you won’t notice their hair and nobody else will either.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I personally let my BM’s do what they wanted (because I couldn’t afford to pay for their hair and makeup) and it bit me in the ass. One girl decided a week before the wedding to dye her hair bright blue (which looked horrible with the green bridesmaid dresses), one bridesmaid decided to deliberately copy my hair exactly (which was frustrating because her hair turned out nicer than mine with that particular style) and wore attention grabbing whore-red lipstick and a gawdy necklace (which again looked horrible with her dress), and the third bridesmaid didn’t do anything terrible hair and makeup wise…so that was fine.
Looking back, I still couldn’t afford paying for their hair and makeup, so I stand by giving them freedom to choose…but maybe I should have given basic rules like ‘wear natural looking makeup’ and ‘please don’t copy my hairstyle I am doing’. Not much I could do about the blue hair…I bit my tongue on that one.
In your situation, because you are paying for the hair and makeup I see nothing wrong with wanting all the girls to have a general theme. Your unruly Bridesmaid or Best Man needs to suck it up! If I were a bridesmaid and the bride was willing to pay for my hair and makeup I’d say “It’s your day gurl, give me a death spikes and clown makeup if you want!”