Post # 1
I need some advice. I have a problem with one of my bridesmaids and I do not know how to handle the situation. I have been engaged since last Feb. to a wonderful man. The wedding is set for July. I asked my roommate for the past four years to be a bridesmaid in my wedding once we set the date last spring. She was very excited since it will be her first wedding and was thrilled to say yes. Well now she is applying to join the peace corps. She decided this after she said she would be in my wedding and I totally approve of her decision, but it is making things difficult on my part for the wedding. She was told that she could leave in May, but is still in medical clearance so there is no guarentee that she will be accepted at all into the program. I have tried to talk to her multiple times about ordering her dress if she still wants to be in the wedding. I told her that we have to order the dress by the end of Feb, and that if she doesn’t want or doesn’t think she will be here for the wedding I need to find a replacement. And she ignorest the conversation and changes the subject. I mentioned the other day that I am going on the 11th to order the dresses for the rest of the girls and once again she ignored the conversation and changed the subject.
I don’t know what to do. I am at the point where I want to ask her to step down because it doesn’t seem like she wants to be part of the weddings especially since she tells me often that I am leaving her “to move in with a stupid boy”. So I don’t know if she is acting this way because is is jealous or really doesn’t want to be involved. She is my roommate until May and I know it will make things extremely awkward in the apartment if I tell her she is no longer in the wedding party. Any advice???
Post # 3
@aclotts: I would bring it up again and if she tries to change the subject say something like “We really need to discuss this.” If she tries to avoid the conversation again be frank and tell her what you are thinking and feeling regardless if she wants to hear it.
If she refuses to listen again, tell her (if this is what you want) that you will have to ask her to step down.
I would find this really stressful and would prefer the awkwardness over the stress. But – that’s just me!
Post # 4
give her a deadline on when to get her dress by…if she doesnt do than ask her to step down. it sounds like she has other obligations anyway and might be ignoring you too look for an “out”.
hope everything works out!
Post # 5
I would tell her that if she is unable to commit by the 11th, you will understand her difficult position because her own timeline is up in the air- but yours isn’t.
I would tell her that if she is unable to order her dress by the 11th, I will consider that she has stepped down, so that i can ask someone else and leave them with 2 weeks to order their dress.
I would make sure that I tell her how much I want her to be in the wedding party, and failing that, at the wedding, but the deadline is looming large and I need a yes or no.
Post # 6
I understand this is a frustrating situation, but please don’t kick her out. Kicking someone out of the bridal party is very rude and is a friendship ending move. Also, it most likely hurt her feelings that you said you’d need to find a replacement if she couldn’t make it. It probably made her feel, well, replacable and that she’s just a prop in your wedding. It’s not surprising she doesn’t want to talk about it. You also need to understand that she might not want to drop lots of money on a dress she might not wear.
I don’t think she’s jealous or not interested. If anything, her comment makes me think she’s worried about losing you as a friend.
I would sit down with her and tell her you still want her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that you understand the situation, make it clear that you are not going to replace her, and tell her that once she knows for sure what she’s doing, then she can order the dress. From my understanding, it doesn’t take 6-7 months for BM’s dresses (it’s more like 3-4). The sales people will tell you that it does because they work on commission and want to make the sale. But please correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m sure it will all work out.
Post # 7
I don’t think she understands the importance of your wedding. She probably just thinks that all she has to do is throw on a dress you picked and show up for the day. Unfortunately a lot of people think that, and fail to see that as a bride, simply picking out and having your maids try on a dress IS a big thing!
I understand she might be distracted from the wedding by joining the Peace Corps, but simply not wanting to talk to you about it is just rude and immature.
Just give her a deadline. Tell her you need an answer within 3 weeks or it’s a no go. Stand your ground.
By the way, is she paying for her dress, or are you? Because I reckon if she knew she had to pay for her own dress you might have an answer sooner…
Post # 8
@BerryBerry: =/ I’m sure the Bridesmaid or Best Man understands the importance of the OP’s wedding. It’s just that her life isn’t put on hold until the wedding is done.
Post # 9
Yes, she is suppose to pay for the dress. However, I know she is short on money right now and I offered to help her pay for the dress. I am a graduate student and money is tight for me as well but I am willing to sacrifice in order to have her be in the wedding, but I cannot afford to buy a dress for someone who won’t be there either.
I understand her situtation. I know her schedule is up in the air as well, but I just need an answer. I feel like a terrible person for even questioning whether she should be in the wedding now. And I agree, it does seem rude. But the stress of the wedding is putting up a wall in our friendship. Since we left college, our friendship has not been the same. We live together and she barely talks to me unless she needs to complain about how she thinks her life “sucks” right now. I just feel like no matter what happens I will probably lose her friendship.
Thank you all for all of the comments and advice. I am planning on talking to her tomorrow. I think I am going to tell her that I need a yes or no by the 11th. Its completely up to her, but if I don’t get an answer by then I am going to assume that means she doesn’t want to be in the wedding anymore.