(Closed) Bridesmaid & Her ex being invited …. help!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
2097 posts
Buzzing bee

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southernmc:  Well… considering this guy asked over text… didn’t know if he was invited… is he even friends with everyone? You could still write the guy back (or call), and say , hey you’re tecincally invited. But __BMCHICK__ would prefer if you didn’t, and let him either be classy or not? Why does he want to come I wonder? 

Post # 32
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Just speaking from experience….I was Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding about a month after my ex-fiance and I broke up. He still came to the wedding, sat at the same table – no issues. We didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t a big deal. I think my best friend (bride) was more concerned than I was. In the end, I hope if your friend’s ex does come to the wedding, your friend will be too concerned with her role as bridesmaid to give in to any petty drama of the past. I think if you asked him to not bring his new gf and he already agreed, there shouldn’t be anything for your bridesmaid to be too upset about. 

Post # 33
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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southernmc:  This guy isn’t your friend.  He’s not really your husband’s friend.  He’s just someone that used to date your bridesmaid.  That’s all.

It sounds like you were flattered that he still “cared” about your wedding.  You did not consider his true motives or the pain this would cause your bridesmaid.

Why would this guy want to go to your wedding?  My guess is he just wants to hurt your friend some more.  It’s beyond obnoxious for him to ingrate himself in her life, especially since he has moved on.

Forget etiquette and show some loyalty to your friend.  Uninvite this manipulative jerk.

Post # 33
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I had a horrible, I mean HORRIBLE, breakup with my ex-fiancé. It was so messy as you can imagine canceling a wedding right before it happened BUT that being said, the moment I met my love it was like it never existed. I could have seen my ex a million times and not cared bc my man is everything I could ever imagine. Maybe your friend isn’t over her ex 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  MrsA44.
Post # 34
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I think it was fine that you said he could come. It’s not like he’s the best man and will be standing up with everyone or will even be at the same table. He’s not bringing a date or anything either. Honestly it will be very easy for the two of them to avoid each other all night if that’s what they want.

I get why your friend is upset and I think giving her a heads up was the right thing to do, but she doesn’t get to dictate the guest list. They only have to share the same space for a couple of hours. 

Post # 35
Member
9160 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sorry but in your OP you stated that you hadn’t heard from him since the break up over 5 months ago. Yeah someone who cares about you rather than your party doesn’t ignore you for 5 months and then texts fishing for an invite. 

And vice versa. If he was a friend your Fiance and you would have been in contact with him since the break up.

There are always exceptions to the rules of etiquette. In this instance your actual friend and bridesmaids feelings/comfort should have been put before some guy you haven’t been bothered to speak to for over 5 months. Etiquette is mostly about your guests comfort and being polite. Calling up and fishing for an invite is not polite. Any sane person is going to know that in a break up the person who is close enough to be a bridesmaid for the couple is going to get an invite over the person they haven’t talked to since the break up.

Post # 36
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I don’t know why you want him there, it sounds like you and your Fiance don’t even know him very well and him being invited made your bridesmaid, a guest of honor, cry.  I personally would have told him since they have broken up he won’t be invited.  He knew he only got an STD because he was dating a bridesmaid.

Post # 37
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think she’s being a bit dramatic. There will be over 100 other people in attendance. She dosen’t have to interact with him in any way, she’ll be fine; it’s one day.

Post # 38
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

I think it really depends on your bm’s feelings for this guy deep down. Is she really over him? She could be dating someone else and desperately trying to be over him, but struggling. I would work that out first. If it turns out she’s not then I’d have to consider talking to this guy and letting him know it might not be a good idea. Her feelings come first. 

Post # 39
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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southernmc:  First off, before I go off on a huge rant… I don’t think you did anything wrong, you asked your Bridesmaid or Best Man before replying to the text and it’s not your fault that she didn’t think it through beforehand.  Expecting you to revoke an invitation is totally unfair.

HOWEVER!  I think it is absolutey batsh!t crazy to feel that you HAVE to invite him due to ridiculous etiquette rules.  So it’s more important to be totally inflexible and insensitive to people you truly care about because of ETIQUETTE!? I just do not understand that thinking whatsoever.

Post # 40
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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southernmc:  I think inviting the ex boyfriend was a mistake. And regarding putting his name on the save the date and not sending an invitation, that is not a breech of etiquette – his invitation was contingent on them still being together. I really would have a heart-to-heart with the ex and let him know that it’s upset your bridesmaid – maybe he would do the gracious thing and not come.

Post # 41
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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southernmc:  I just noticed that you said they’d be dating for 6 years, and it’s only been 6 months since the breakup. That is NOT a situation I’d want to be in as a bridesmaid AT ALL. In all those years, you/your Fiance and the ex bf only became acquaintances – why in the world would you put one of your best friends through that on a day when she will already be a little stressed by all the things to do and help you with?

Post # 42
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I think you should have used some common sense in this situation and not invited him. If she is one of your best friends you should have assumed it would be a tense situation. Don’t you want her to be at ease and have a good time? 

What’s done is done now, but I do think you were in the wrong here.

Post # 43
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
southernmc:  Ahh 6 years is a long time. It also makes it harder for the Bridesmaid or Best Man. That being said, if he sees himself being friends with this guy going forward (ie: even without the Bridesmaid or Best Man and him dating) then you should invite him. 

Best of luck! 

Post # 44
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

No idea why all these other bees are telling you what you did is wrong. You sent the guy a Save the date, and he was just following through.  It is your wedding and you are entitled to invite whoever you want. I think your Bridesmaid or Best Man is overreacting. If I were her, I would just suck it up. She will probably be so busy she won’t even notice he’s there!

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