Post # 1
my bridesmaid who is also my future sister in law is getting a divorce. she caught her husband cheating and they are ending their marriage after two years.
The issue is he was having an affair with another bridesmaid (lets call her X) best friend. Future SIL bridesmaid said that she will not attend any event that that bridesmaid X is at including my shower next week, bachelorette and the wedding, even though Bridesmaid X says that she didnt know that the affair was going on but I do not believe her.
Neither Bridesmaid X or SIL Bridesmaid have been close to me since I got engaged last year, (SIL Bridesmaid stopped talking to me in Oct 2010 after I told her I suspected her husband was having an affair and Bridesmaid X got into a demanding grad school program out of state) and I would rather ask them both to step down then choose one over the other even though Bridesmaid X offered to step down knowing that SIL bridesmaid is Fiance sister but the truth is I don’t really want her too. (Plus if Bridemaid X does step down I still want her to attend which would still not meet SIL bridesmaid requirements)
Fiance has been really good about the whole situation and says that it is up to me and that he will deal with his Mom and SIL Bridesmaid if I ask his sister to step down but I dont want to start our marriage with family drama
On top of this SIL bridesmaid isn’t sure that she wants to face her extend family at my shower and have them know that her marriage failed so quickly.
before anyone asks I was doing mismatched black cocktail dresses and bridesmaid x was wearing a dress she owns and SIL bridesmaid did buy one from Macy’s but it still can be returned so it is not like either girl has any money out on the wedding
I guess I am not sure what to do in both making SIL Bridesmaid feel comfortable about my wedding and about being put in the situation to choose between friends
has anybody else dealt with something like this
further info – on SIL Ex – there is no way that they will be getting back together and I totally support her decision about getting a divorce. Fiance has already told him that he is not invited and also told him, that he was no longer part of our wedding
Post # 3
that’s a tough situation. i can really understand how your SIL would feel about not wanting to see family at a shower so soon after this. she is embarassed and humiliated. she is going to need some time to digest it and accept it.
Post # 4
So, your friend Bridesmaid or Best Man is a best friend of the braud who cheated with SIL’s DH… pardon me for a sec, but WHAT does she have to do with this situation?? She’s a FRIEND, so what, she’s guilty by association?? Honestly, I don’t understand your SIL’s thought process behind not attending ANY of the wedding events because that girl will be there. Sorry, just my opinion. I can understand the extended family part, that’s hard to have to wonder if people will be talking about you, giving you any kind “looks” etc.
I think you should probably talk to both of them, see where they both stand on the situation and decide from there. It might be best to cut them both from the bridal party, and then easier for them to both be at the wedding, but really, don’t have to interact with each other at all – a bit harder when you’re getting ready together, taking pictures, eating dinner, etc.
Post # 5
SIL BM is hurt because her husband cheated on her but it was not Bridesmaid or Best Man X business to tell her. This is your wedding. Now, she doesn’t have to talk to Bridemaid X if she doesn’t want to, but Bridemaid X doesn’t owe her anything.
Like you said, even if Bridesmaid or Best Man X steps down, you still want her to attend wedding related activities and that would be a problem for SIL. I understand SIL is hurting and probably being in a wedding party while going through a divorce isn’t the best thing.
I hope everything works out.
Post # 6
SIL opinion is if Bridemaid X did not bring her friend around her husband would have never of had the affair since the excuse was that they instantly fell for one another, the affair lasted for a year and 4 months and SIL cannot believe that her best friend did not tell or hinted to Bridesmaid X that the affair was going on.
The affair just came to light two weeks ago so I wonder sometimes if things will settle down over time I am more worried about the bridal shower next Saturday the last thing I want to have is an all out fight (SIL can be very overbearing), so I do not know if I should ask one or both of them not to attend
Post # 7
Personally if it were me I would take up the offer to have bm step down. It’s only been two weeks and sil will be your family. It could also cause problems for you down the line with your new inlays. It’s not BM’s fault of course but I would for your sil’s sake take her up on it. It’s already going to be extremely difficult for her.
Post # 8
Wow what a tough situation to be in. First off your SIL should not be embarassed or think that her marriage failed. Her husband cheated!!! She did no wrong. I can understand that she is angry and hurt right now but she shouldn’t take it out on the other bridesmaid. If she wants to cause that much drama and not participate in anything, then just let her do that. She will probably feel guilty about it later on after everything is over.
Post # 9
Your SIL is understandably upset and emotional right now, but the idea that the Other Woman’s friend is to blame for the affair is ridiculous. Your SIL doesn’t get to dictate who’s in your wedding, other than herself. If she needs to remove herself from the situation because it’s all too much, that’s understandable. But you’re not reconfiguring your wedding for her. Approach this with kindness but firmness.
Post # 10
While I wouldn’t wish the emotional pain that cheating causes on anyone, I do think that Future Sister-In-Law is projecting her anger onto BM-X who is now “guilty by association.” Even if she did know that the affair was happening, can you imagine being in her predicament? What was she supposed to do or say? If Future Sister-In-Law is mad at her now, imagine the reaction she would have had if BM-X had approached her. She stopped talking to YOU (future family!) because you suggested that her husband was unfaithful. Personally, it sounds like Future Sister-In-Law is not emotionally stable enough (which is 100% understandable) to stand up as your Bridesmaid or Best Man. It sounds like she recognizes this and it should be her offering to just attend (IMO) because of all the emotional turmoil in her life. This is a really sticky situation for you – I wish you the best of luck in trying to figure it all out…
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I have a feeling Future Sister-In-Law may step down on her own- being part of a wedding may be too much for her emotionally right now.
Post # 12
Oh boy. I can completely understand FSIL’s anger towards Bridesmaid X. When my Fi was much younger, his long-term girlfriend was cheating on him with his best friend for MONTHS and even though the entire group knew about it, nobody told him. He blames them all equally for being accessories to the crime, letting it continue and letting Fi build up feelings for this girl while this was going on. The way I see it, cheating is one of those things that if you find out about it, you owe it to the person being cheated on to do everything in your power to help them see the true character of the person they’re with. I’ve given the “either you tell him or I will” ultimatum before, and it’s cost me friends, but I don’t need “friends” like that anyway. My integrity is such that I’m not going to keep someone else’s dirty little secret for them, to the detriment of someone who deserves better. Your Future Sister-In-Law sees Bridesmaid X as an enemy, and I don’t blame her in the least.
That being said, I would accept Bridesmaid X’s resignation, and let Future Sister-In-Law decide on her own what she wants to do. As rebwana said, I suspect she’ll want to step down, just to be able to hide in the back for a while and lick her wounds. And as for Bridesmaid X, if it were me, I’d be hesitant to even continue a friendship with her if she really did know about the affair but didn’t say anything. I’d be very reluctant to have people in my social circle who felt it was okay to look the other way on these sorts of things. But obviously, I feel pretty strongly about this!!
Post # 13
@PinkFlemingo After reading all PP responses I didn’t think of it as deeply as you did.
Usually people tend to stay away from business that doesnt concern them i.e. other people’s relationship issues.
However, after reading your post, I feel like your “case for character” is actually valid because in the future what if God Forbid, BTB husband has an affair is Bridesmaid X just the type to not say anything about affairs….
In general, I can only imagine that any married woman would want to know if their husband was cheating and would expect their friend to show that loyalty and good character….EVEN THO, Future Sister-In-Law did stop speaking to OP when suspected and suggested it.
Why do women always get angry with the messenger???
So in that token, I agree that people do not need “friends” like that. I dint really think of it that way until your response…
It’s a really sad messy situation for all involved, I can only imagine how Dina Jean feels caught in the middle like this, I hope everything workw out…
Post # 14
@Happy Hopeful Bee:
Ugh, yes, we do love to shoot the messenger. But I figure, it’s better to be the one to rip off the band-aid, because sometime later, even if it takes years, that person will thank me. I understand not wanting to get involved in the affairs of complete strangers or bare acquaintances, but in this case, they aren’t strangers. There are at least few enough degrees of separation for them to have all been in the same room together before, and to be invited to the same wedding. Ugh, what a mess.
I always tell my friends, if you’re going to cheat, there are two people you want to make sure don’t find out: your SO, and ME!!!
Post # 15
@dinajean: wow…..you sound a little self centered.
Your future sister in law is going through a terrible time and you think she’s just causing drama. She just found out 2 weeks ago, cut her some damn slack. I can’t believe you would cut her out of your wedding over this without giving her time to cool down.
Even if Bridesmaid X is not technically in the wrong, Future Sister-In-Law is family and always will be—and right now she probably is feeling humiliated that all of this was going on under her nose and Bridesmaid or Best Man X knew about it. Tell them to work it out, but in the end if they can’t you need to stick with family. If Bridesmaid or Best Man X doesn’t understand that then she is no true friend.
Whether or not Future Sister-In-Law wants to attend the shower is her own concern—I dont think she has a reason to be embarassed but right now she’s feeling overwhelmed and in shock–who knows how she will feel by the time the shower comes around
Post # 16
Let both of them out of your festivities. That’s the lesser of the evil solutions. It’d be nice that they can both be civil for YOUR sake for you guys’ wedding but since that is not gonna happen, you have to cut the cord with both for the sake of your and DH’s sanity and everyone else’s too.