Post # 1
So i asked a life long friend – we have known each other since we were ten years old – to be a bridesmaid, and she was helping me do a lot of the planning at first. But then she started dating this guy who does not treat her very well, puts her down, drives drunk with her in the car, is disrespectful to her firneds when he is invited to their homes, and is keeping her from hanging out with us. So i was trying to be accepting of him, until one night when he drove drunk with her in the car, of course she was stupid enough to go with him, rather than stay the night with us. So I let her know that I love her and I thought this guy was bad news for her and dangerous, and she said that I was being racist – he’s from Morocco – and that I was not being a good friend. I am NOT a racist, I am a very accepting person, I dont care if you are green, blue, whatever … when you drive drunk with my friend in the car, I do not like you. All of the friends in our group have the same opinion of him, and she has stopped speaking to us all. So we have no spoken in months, and I do not feel that we are really friends anymore. I have become much closer to the wife of one of my groomsmen. Is it wrong to ask my “friend” to no longer be in my wedding?
Post # 3
@MrsChemE: I think your friendship and her safety is the most important thing here. I would reach out to her and let her know you support her. Just because you don’t like the guy doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. It sounds like she really needs some friends right now – she may be staying with this guy because she’s cut out everyone else in her life.
Post # 4
My 18 year old niece and God-daughter was killed when she rode with someone who was driving drunk. And yeah, it is a big deal to me. If a person wants to get wasted and stays off the roads – fine. But on the roads no way. Yes it is a safety issue.I get pissed because I have friends and relatives who still drink and drive or ride with a drunk driver.
Putting your friend down and keeping her from seeing her friends are worrisome traits and I understand your concern. However, if she is in love with this guy, telling her he is bad news will only distsnce her more. Let you know you are worried about her and tell her she can opt out of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is she is no longer wishes to be one.
Post # 5
@MrsChemE: If your wedding is in 2015, you have loads of time to sit back and do nothing. Wait and see where your relationship stands in a few months.
Post # 6
It sounds like she’s in a terrible situation in her life and the best thing you can do is try to let her know you’re there for her. It would be awful for her to become isolated from her friends by this man, who sounds like a really bad person.
Also if you’re aware of him driving drunk again, I think you should consider calling the police, even if that’s uncomfortable for your friend!
Post # 7
@MrsChemE: I would let her know that since you two haven’t spoken that you are assuming her role as Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man needs to be filled. Hopefully she doesn’t wind up in trouble, and she comes to her sences in the future. Later on, i think she will thank you. Might be awhile though. Those types of situations can be tricky.
Post # 8
I think your friend has a lot of growing up to do and will realize one day that she wasted her time with this creep.
Don’t dismiss her just yet. You still have time.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I’d also suggest waiting. As her friend, you want to be there for her. Hopefully she will see the light, realize that you are trying to support her and come around again. You have time. I’d keep reaching out to her as well. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she needs you!
Post # 10
@julies1949: I agree. If your wedding is not until May 2015, you don’t need to do anything (like get them to order dresses) until late 2014 at the latest. Deal with the Bridesmaid or Best Man issue then. Hopefully she’ll have left him by then. (I totally agree with you on your stance on drunk driving, by the way).
By the way this guy sounds like bad news in other ways (puts her down, keeps her away from friends). He sounds like a classic example of an abuser. She will need the support of friends in the future, when she wakes up to how bad he is and needs to get away from him.
So try to be a friend with her somehow. I’d try to reconnect with her 1 on 1, without either your fiance or her bf.
Post # 11
@MrsChemE: If your wedding date is correct you have a whole lot of time for things to change before then. Your friend’s life is far more important than your wedding right now. Why are you worried about whether or not she’s going to be a maid instead of whether or not her choices and the actions of her boyfriend might kill her?
Post # 12
Yes. And abusers manipulate their victim and others around them to isolate the person. Some of that behavior was a red flag to me. It is very tough when a friend is in a relationship of this type. But its important to let them know you are there for them, so you can be an option she can reach out to for support in the future.
Post # 13
I don’t think you should make any rash decisions. It sounds as if she’s in a really rough spot in her life. You need to show, more than ever, that you are willing to stick by her side and put up with her anger/annoyance, etc. You have plenty of time before you need to make any big decisions, especially excluding her from the wedding party. If her SO is as bad as you say, he will delight in isolating her further from her friends. You need to stand beside her now, more than ever.
If your friendship really means that much to you, and if you have been friends THAT long, reach out to her. Ask her if she’d be willing to meet up for coffee or something neutral.