Post # 1
Member
43 posts
Newbee
Hi all,
I often read these boards but don’t often comment, but I was interested to hear an outsider’s perspective on my situation. So I have 4 bridesmaids and one of them is my MOH who I’ve known since high school. The other 3 have been great but I feel consistently let down by my Maid/Matron of Honor. To summarise the issues I’ve had with her:
– didn’t come to my shower- a brunch- because she had plans in the evening that she didn’t want to be late for (so no excuse for not coming really)
– I wanted a very low key bachelorette, brunch and drinks in the same city we all live in, she did nothing to help plan it and the other bridesmaids told me she would read and then ignore their whatsapps
– she then didn’t come to my bachelorette because of car issues, she could have easily got a taxi as she lives not far from the venue
– she hasn’t sent me a single excited or interested message about the wedding
– I asked her for one favor, picking up something on her way to the venue and she said she couldn’t because she hasn’t got her plans figured out yet
I literally haven’t asked anything else of her other than that one favour, I paid for her dress (which she got a choice on), and am paying for her hair on the day.
I feel all this anger and resentment bubbling up about it and I don’t know if I should say something to her now, and risk the wedding in a couple of weeks being awkward, or say something after and risk our friendshiip being ruined if she takes it the wrong way. Also I’m her bridesmaid for next year and she’s already asking for things like a bachelorette party abroad which will be expensive and take a lot of time to plan (plus take time off work for). I don’t know how I’m going to cope if I’m asked to do things like that for her when I know that she made no effort for me. I don’t want to be a bitchy bridesmaid for her and feel resentment every time she expects me to make effort but I can’t imagine feeling happy going to effort for her when she made none for me. I’m even wondering whether I should just tell her that I don’t want to be her bridesmaid? But that would probably mean an end to the friendship.
Sorry for the essay, thanks in advance for any advice!
Post # 2
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
It just seems odd to me that you would view someone as close enough to be a bridesmaid but can’t speak to them when something bothers you. Personally I think it is really extreme to be considering not being her bridesmaid because in ways she has let you down but without ever having a chat to her about it.
– How long in advance did she have plans on the day of the shower? Did whoever planned the shower know this and plan it for that day anyway?
– Maybe she isn’t driving to the venue, maybe she is staying somewhere else the night before and the thing you wanted her to pick up isn’t in a convenient location?
I’m not trying to say you are wrong but have you even talked any of these things through with her?
Post # 3
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
- Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains
Sorry to hear she’s not much of a friend. Since you’re so close to the wedding, I would suggest expecting nothing from her other than to stand next to you on your wedding day. She clearly has made no effort so why expect anything different in the final weeks? Just hope she looks presentable and move on. After your wedding is over, reassess your friendship. I know it can be petty but I believe sometimes that you should respond with effort in kind. Therefore if you choose to still be a part of her wedding do nothing but the bare minimum.
Post # 4
Member
43 posts
Newbee
zzar45 :
For the shower it was finished by 5pm and she had plans starting at 9.30pm, so regardless of when she made the plans I don’t see how that’s an excuse.
Re the picking something up, I asked her based on her telling me where she was staying the night before, then only after I asked she said she might change her mind on where she was staying. Which is sort of fair enough it just grated on me when it’s the one tiny favor I’ve asked of her.
I made it obvious after each event that I wasn’t happy but now I feel like I’ve left it too late to have a proper conversation about it without it being super awkward on the wedding day. Plus it’s not really a 2 way conversation that’s going to go well, realistically, it’s going to be me telling her how bad a friend she’s been. That conversation can never not be awkward.
Also, I do know that there’s nothing else going on in her life that she is stressed about that would impact how she’s treating me.
Post # 5
Member
43 posts
Newbee
sierrameadow : The people I’ve spoken to about this have said exactly what you’ve said! I hate the idea of being really petty though! But really (going forward after the wedding) I guess I only have 3 choices:
1- suck it up and get over the fact she made no effort for me and do everything she wants me to as a bridesmaid
2- stay a bridesmaid but remember her lack of effort and respond in kind
3- pull out of being a bridesmaid, probably ending the friendship
I feel like they’re all bad options! haha
Post # 6
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
- Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains
I agree, it is petty and unfortunate when a friendship ends- if it comes to that. I’ve learned in life that weddings and funerals tend to bring out our ‘true’ selves. Some friendships also just don’t last forever but that doesn’t mean that either of your weddings have to be the breaking point.
Is it possible she’s bit jealous that you’re getting married first? Are there perhaps issues in her relationship? or could she be jealous of your wedding?
Post # 7
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
Think about the dynamic of your friendship, is this really a new thing? Or have you always been the “supporting role” to her headliner?
I had similar frustrations with my Maid/Matron of Honor but then I realized that’s just how it’s always been. I went all out for her wedding and handled a lot of things I shouldn’t have had to. She was not exactly that helpful with mine, though she did still plan things… she just made me know how inconvenient I was being. I was resentful and then I kind of realized I should’ve known. That’s the dynamic of our friendship.
Post # 8
Member
15 posts
Newbee
I’ve honestly found that sometimes people just don’t know that they’ve hurt you. 100% of the time when something has bothered me, it was more difficult for me to take that first step of saying “hey, we need to talk,” than having the actual conversation that followed. I think an open and honest conversation is in order here. I wouldn’t assume she knows you’re upset, I would very bluntly state it and state why you are as well. Maybe she has different expectations of being a Maid/Matron of Honor than you do. I think you’re justified in being hurt here, but I don’t think it’s ever too late for a proper conversation. Chances are she’s not deliberately hurting you. Just sit down and ask! I bet it’ll be easier than you think, and you’ll both come away stronger friends.
Post # 9
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
I really think you should get this out in the open before your wedding. One of my friends had this sort of thing bubbling with her Maid/Matron of Honor in the months before her wedding, and didn’t say anthing. And then literally 2 days after her wedding it all exploded and now they are not on speaking terms at all and the friendship is completely over…yet she is front and centre in the wedding pics and video.
Not saying this will happen to you, but having seen that first hand I have realised that worst case scenario is not having someone potentially drop out of the wedding party beforehand, it’s having that constant reminder of someone hurting you every time you look at photos and videos of the most happy and important day.
Post # 10
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
- Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains
princessmiaofgenovia : I think this is a good point. If you include her, may want to say something to your photographer to have fewer pics of her or with her, just in case.
Post # 11
Member
43 posts
Newbee
princessmiaofgenovia : This is a really good point, I hadn’t thought of this. I think you might be right, I’m so non-confrontational that the idea of having the conversation terrifies me but I think it might be necessary.
Post # 12
Member
43 posts
Newbee
hockeybee0104 : If I’m honest it’s probably not a new thing, and I didn’t have very high expectations of her as Maid/Matron of Honor, but she has failed to even meet my low expectations!
Post # 13
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
gbbride2019 : I’m the same, confrontation sends me into a frenzy of anxiety and panic. But ultimately, there are 2 things that may happen from airing this with your friend –
Possibility 1: She listens to you, takes it all on board and things get better.
Possibility 2: She doesn’t want to know and doesn’t care about your feelings on the matter. And then at least you know and you can call it a day.
Alternatively, you can have a word with your photographer/videographer and give them a head’s up on the matter and ask them to ensure they get lots of shots without her as well as with her, and request that she is not put in the centre of photos with you. Just to mitigate for anything that may happen after.
Post # 14
Member
5123 posts
Bee Keeper
It’s best to be honest with her and tell her how you feel. She’s obviously very self-absorbed, and the self-absorbed do not make good friends.
Post # 15
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
gbbride2019 : I’m also non confrontational but recently I have started speaking up to one specific friend who seems to take advantage of me at times. It’s awkward, but had I not said anything this friend would continue to do what she was doing, she genuinely didn’t seem aware of the issue.
So, I’d recommend talking to her before making any rash decisions such as not being her bridesmaid, ending the friendship, leaving her out of photos, etc.
Luckily, my friend was very receptive to my feelings, hopefully your friend will be as well. If not, then you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue with the friendship. It would be really unfortunate to cut her out of your life without even attempting to talk it out.