Bridesmaid Issue

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It just seems odd to me that you would view someone as close enough to be a bridesmaid but can’t speak to them when something bothers you.  Personally I think it is really extreme to be considering not being her bridesmaid because in ways she has let you down but without ever having a chat to her about it. 

– How long in advance did she have plans on the day of the shower? Did whoever planned the shower know this and plan it for that day anyway?

– Maybe she isn’t driving to the venue, maybe she is staying somewhere else the night before and the thing you wanted her to pick up isn’t in a convenient location? 

I’m not trying to say you are wrong but have you even talked any of these things through with her?

Post # 3
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

Sorry to hear she’s not much of a friend. Since you’re so close to the wedding, I would suggest expecting nothing from her other than to stand next to you on your wedding day. She clearly has made no effort so why expect anything different in the final weeks? Just hope she looks presentable and move on. After your wedding is over, reassess your friendship. I know it can be petty but I believe sometimes that you should respond with effort in kind. Therefore if you choose to still be a part of her wedding do nothing but the bare minimum.

Post # 6
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

I agree, it is petty and unfortunate when a friendship ends- if it comes to that. I’ve learned in life that weddings and funerals tend to bring out our ‘true’ selves. Some friendships also just don’t last forever but that doesn’t mean that either of your weddings have to be the breaking point.

Is it possible she’s bit jealous that you’re getting married first? Are there perhaps issues in her relationship? or could she be jealous of your wedding?

Post # 7
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Think about the dynamic of your friendship, is this really a new thing? Or have you always been the “supporting role” to her headliner? 

I had similar frustrations with my Maid/Matron of Honor but then I realized that’s just how it’s always been. I went all out for her wedding and handled a lot of things I shouldn’t have had to. She was not exactly that helpful with mine, though she did still plan things… she just made me know how inconvenient I was being. I was resentful and then I kind of realized I should’ve known. That’s the dynamic of our friendship.

Post # 8
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I’ve honestly found that sometimes people just don’t know that they’ve hurt you. 100% of the time when something has bothered me, it was more difficult for me to take that first step of saying “hey, we need to talk,” than having the actual conversation that followed. I think an open and honest conversation is in order here. I wouldn’t assume she knows you’re upset, I would very bluntly state it and state why you are as well. Maybe she has different expectations of being a Maid/Matron of Honor than you do. I think you’re justified in being hurt here, but I don’t think it’s ever too late for a proper conversation. Chances are she’s not deliberately hurting you. Just sit down and ask! I bet it’ll be easier than you think, and you’ll both come away stronger friends.

Post # 9
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

I really think you should get this out in the open before your wedding. One of my friends had this sort of thing bubbling with her Maid/Matron of Honor in the months before her wedding, and didn’t say anthing. And then literally 2 days after her wedding it all exploded and now they are not on speaking terms at all and the friendship is completely over…yet she is front and centre in the wedding pics and video.

Not saying this will happen to you, but having seen that first hand I have realised that worst case scenario is not having someone potentially drop out of the wedding party beforehand, it’s having that constant reminder of someone hurting you every time you look at photos and videos of the most happy and important day.

Post # 10
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

View original reply
princessmiaofgenovia :  I think this is a good point. If you include her, may want to say something to your photographer to have fewer pics of her or with her, just in case.

Post # 13
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

View original reply
gbbride2019 :  I’m the same, confrontation sends me into a frenzy of anxiety and panic. But ultimately, there are 2 things that may happen from airing this with your friend –

Possibility 1: She listens to you, takes it all on board and things get better.
Possibility 2: She doesn’t want to know and doesn’t care about your feelings on the matter. And then at least you know and you can call it a day.

Alternatively, you can have a word with your photographer/videographer and give them a head’s up on the matter and ask them to ensure they get lots of shots without her as well as with her, and request that she is not put in the centre of photos with you. Just to mitigate for anything that may happen after.

 

Post # 14
Member
5123 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s best to be honest with her and tell her how you feel. She’s obviously very self-absorbed, and the self-absorbed do not make good friends.

Post # 15
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
gbbride2019 :  I’m also non confrontational but recently I have started speaking up to one specific friend who seems to take advantage of me at times. It’s awkward, but had I not said anything this friend would continue to do what she was doing, she genuinely didn’t seem aware of the issue.

So, I’d recommend talking to her before making any rash decisions such as not being her bridesmaid, ending the friendship, leaving her out of photos, etc. 

Luckily, my friend was very receptive to my feelings, hopefully your friend will be as well. If not, then you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue with the friendship. It would be really unfortunate to cut her out of your life without even attempting to talk it out.

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