Post # 16
hockeybee0104 : I agree.
gbbride2019 : OP, posts like these always surprise me because either the person has done a complete 180 in their personality, or the much more likely scenario is that they were always like this, but your wedding just amplifies it more for you. So it sounds like that’s the case here. I would definitely bring this up BEFORE your wedding. I have also found that even when we think a problem is SO OBVIOUS to us, the offending party honestly has no clue. Confrontation sucks but it’s the only way you’re going to get the answers you’re looking for. Maybe this person isn’t a true friend, regardless of the wedding. That’s what it sounds like.
Post # 17
llevinso : You’re right, the wedding has amplified already unreliable behavior. I can’t see how she could possibly be so clueless as to not realize that she’s upset me but maybe she really doesn’t. If she doesn’t put much effort in then maybe she doesn’t sit around worrying what I’m thinking either. It sounds like most people agree that I should talk to her before the wedding, I’ll have to suck it up and have the awkward conversation…
Post # 18
gbbride2019 : With the way you’ve described her, she sounds pretty self-absorbed so I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she has no clue how upset you are. Good luck talking with her about it!
Post # 19
gbbride2019 : Is it possible that this is about finances? Not participating in hosting a shower or bachelorette, and not replying to messages from the group that she may have felt were pressuring in nature may be her way of avoiding expenses she had not agreed to or been involved in planning. To be fair, pre-wedding events are optional and voluntary.
As far as not even attending local events, that’s a lot more surprising, but perhaps it is still about the money. Who planned these events? Perhaps everyone in the bridal party attending was expected to chip in an amount she was not OK with on top of a gift and transportation.
Do you know the nature of the event that apparently had such priority the night of the shower? And unless it was out of town, why would she be late for an evening function when you had a brunch shower? All added up I’d start to wonder if something else is going on in her life or something or someone else is upsetting her.
I wouldn’t ask someone to do an out of the way wedding related errand for me the day of, personally.
As for her wedding, her plans are already way over the top and unreasonable. I’d decline the bachelorette on that basis alone. Do you think any of this is because she’s saving up for her own wedding?
Post # 20
Uh, I think we may have had the same MOH?
Echoing what other PP’s have said, you shouldn’t be too surprised if she has always been like this. Occasionally flakey, fly by the seat of her pants/decide stuff last minute type of girl, etc. So, I knew my MOH’s behaviors and patterns pretty damn well and thought she would really rise to the occasion for me, boy was I wrong.
I personally am not a confrontational person either so I just rode it out until the wedding. I mean our situations are VERY similar. My Maid/Matron of Honor fucked my bridal shower up (like forgot half of the guest list and I think it was on purpose) and didn’t include my other bridesmaids. She intentionally excluded my other bridesmaids from the shower and literally sent them an invite and expected them to be there early to help set up. It was also getting close to the wedding and my other bridesmaids finally took over bachelorette party planning because she just went radio silent, she wasn’t even going to plan one (when I had very casually mentioned ideas and knew I wanted one). At this point I was LIVID. She was also purposefully stirring the pot between my mother and I which didn’t help our already very-very strained relationship. On top of this, she did things very similar to what you described your Maid/Matron of Honor did too, so I feel you.
Like you, I’m not a confrontational person. I had other wedding drama and I let it go and blow over, didn’t say anything. Personally, from my experience this is what I would do. Its not worth it so close to the wedding. The day of the wedding she was TERRIBLE. She was too lazy to kneel and had the audacity to motion during the ceremony to my other bridesmaid to fix my train because she was too lazy sitting in her chair. Not to mention her not being up on the altar with us just looks so awkward in our photos. I was honestly so pissed at her most of the day but I tried to ignore it and enjoy it besides how she was acting.
Sorry for the rant, but I feel you so much and I wouldn’t say anything. Sounds kind of like this is just something you should push through, get through the wedding and gracefully bow out of her wedding for whatever excuse (I wouldn’t even be ashamed to make something up, but I’m petty) and just let the friendship fizzle out. I haven’t spoken to my Maid/Matron of Honor since my wedding.
Post # 21
kmbumbee190618 : it’s good to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way! It’s so disappointing when a friend lets you down in this way.
Post # 22
weddingmaven : I’m sure it’s not money related, plus my bachelorette cost everyone about €65 all in with food, drink and transport, whereas she’s expecting me to take time off work and go abroad for hers next year.
The evening event was going to the movies with her fiance, I couldn’t get an answer out of her of why she couldn’t come to the shower earlier.
Post # 23
She can’t help plan a night out for drinks but wants an abroad trip?! See it’s shit like this that gets me. Like how obvious is she being selfish?! Like I can’t be bothered to help with shit but hey can you plan my wedding and go to Paris? F that. I think you have to say something or it’s going to explode at a really inopportune time.
Post # 24
All I would expect from her at this point would be for her to just show up. Nothing more. Don’t ask anything else of her. Confirm with her that she is indeed, going to attend your wedding and let her know you would be pleased to arrange a ride on the day of your wedding because you are concerned with another possible car issue and just want her there.
If you really don’t want to be part of organising an overseas bachelorette and do not want to take the time off work etc then let her know. Tell her you have thought long and hard and wish to withdraw from being a bridesmaid and would be happy to celebrate her day as a guest. For your own piece of mind, don’t go through all the motions of being a bridesmaid stewing with resentment. If your withdrawl is friendship breaking then you know where you stand. I’d take the high road.
Post # 25
gbbride2019 : Going to the movies with her fiance?! Between that and all the last minute cancellations do you think there’s a chance he’s controlling or putting pressure on her not to see friends?
“The evening event was going to the movies with her fiance, I couldn’t get an answer out of her of why she couldn’t come to the shower earlier.”
I think I would start here. Tell her you were very hurt that she would prioritize a movie she could see any time over attending your shower and that her reason made no sense. I’d ask her if there is anything else going on with her.
Post # 26
It sounds like either she doesn’t really like you, she doesn’t like your fiancé, or she really doesn’t want to be in the wedding but felt bad saying no and is not handling it like a friend should. Or she’s just a bitch in general. Missing one event I’d let go if she had a good reason. But this is multiple things with crappy excuses. I’d start off the convo by telling her how much it hurt your feelings that she didn’t come to either party.