(Closed) Bridesmaid Issue!! Need Help!!

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Someone who doesn’t have money isn’t going to willingly give it up.  If she’s strapped for cash, 6 months doesn’t seem like "forever" to get you the money.  I actually applaud her being honest and saying she can’t afford your plans.  She’s not leaving you hanging with the bill afterwards.  If your taste and ideas are too expensive, I think that you should help her out with expenses.  Frankly you knew her situation when you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, so the ball is in your court to plan activities that she can afford or to help her and pay some of her share.  Sorry that I couldn’t be "more on your side" on this, but I think that she’s being mature in telling you what she can and cannot afford, and maybe she deserves some slack.

Post # 4
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Are you asking each guests to pay $80 for the night, or just the BMs? No metter how much your friends and family love you, weddings get expensive for all involved, and maybe she really just can’t afford a night out (on top of the dress, a gift, and other expenses…)

Whatever the reason she is not able/willing to help host the night out, it is ultimately her decision. Bachelorette’s aren’t required, they’re a fabulous bonus – so hopefully you can get out and enjoy your night and not worry about who paid for what! 🙂

Post # 5
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

When I was 21, I was a full time college student.  It would have been difficult for me to come up with $80 to put in on a party without asking my parents for help or eating nothing but canned soup for a couple of weeks.

You mention that your friend lives at home and has a baby, so clearly, she’s not rolling in the dough.  Going to the club on the weekend might only run her $15-$20 depending on where you guys live…there’s a big difference for someone with limited funds between $20 and $80.  If she told you she cant afford it, your BMs should adjust the plans.

I dont want to seem snarky or rude, but you cant tell people how to spend their money.  Dont be a bridezilla…if you must have this bachelorette party then you shouldnt be upset with her if she cannot attend.

Post # 6
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I understand your frustration, but considering her situation, would it be ok with you if she just came out with you girls and didn’t stay in the hotel? That way the amount she would owe would be less and you would still have her there with you to enjoy the night.

Post # 7
484 posts
Helper bee

Ditto what everyone else said.

I’d suggest telling her that you completely understand her situation and that if she can’t afford to come to any part of the bachelorette she doesn’t have to feel obligated. In fact, offer to get manicures together instead (or something along those lines that you enjoy). She’ll feel like you understand and you’ll still get to celebrate with her, albeit in a different (less expensive) way.

Good luck!

Post # 8
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree, try to get her in on some of the non-expensive plans.  I’m sure all of your BMs would appreciate an old-fashioned girly sleepover or even a night at the movies- all less expensive than a swanky party.  You’re welcome to the swankiness, of course, but you should be understanding if not all of your girls can afford it, especially with the economy in its current state.

Post # 9
596 posts
Busy bee

I agree with what everyone else has said.  $80 is probably a good deal for everything that’s included but that doesn’t change the fact that $80 is still a lot of money.  Is it really absolutely necessary for her to stay overnight at the hotel?  I think it’s okay to ask that she pay for her share of the VIP table and drinks but to insist that she stay at the hotel and pay for the full $80 is a bit much if she has already said that she can’t afford it.

Post # 10
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007 - a beautiful church and hotel reception

I totally agree with everyone’s less costly suggestions! Have you been a bridesmaid before? It really IS a lot of money to be a bridesmaid… on top of that there’s planning, jewelry buying, vacationing when you should be working, bridal/bachlorette parties, etc.  For someone who is tight with money and has a child, all that would defintiely add up to be a lot more than the $80 + bridesmaid’s dress.

Also, about partying with her friends– Would you really feel ok if she sacrificed never going out to have fun, just so she could afford your bachlorette party? I would feel horrible if that were the case!

I would think that having to turn down fun endeavors left & right just because of money doesn’t feel all that great either, it probably reminds her of how strapped on cash she is.

Post # 11
278 posts
Helper bee

Did she know what her bridesmaid duties would involve?  Perhaps she didn’t know she would have to be shelling out money and so many different things.  I know it’s such a bummer to have such limitations but like others have commented, you really can’t tell people to shell out X amount of money if it’s not absolutely mandatory.

On the other hand, she should’ve known that being a bridesmaid can sometimes involve extra expenses, she should’ve expressed her financial concerns with you earlier.  But i DO commend on being upfront about it.

Post # 12
378 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, I think you’re being a little rude and selfish about, in the post anyway, saying "but she does live with her mom." So what?! If she’s 21 and has a 1 year old boy, $80 is a lot of money, and I’m sure she’s living with her mom out of necessity and not because she thinks it’s fun. $80 is a lot of money to me and I’m 30 without kids. How do you know what she spends when she’s out with her friends? How long does she go out for? Going out for 2-4 hours at night one weekend is a lot diferent than spending a night or weekend away. Maybe she doesn’t drink when she’s out, so why should she pay for your drinks? It just all sounds very judgmental. Don’t forget that she’s also probably going to have to shell out for a shower and wedding gift, possible hotel and travel for the wedding, accessories, dress, hair for the wedding. That’s probably close to $400 right there. It’s her money, she has all the right to want to spend it on herself rather than you. 

Having a bridesmaid isn’t about the parties and what people can spend on you. It’s about having people around you on your wedding day that you love and love you. If you love her and want her around you, cut her some slack. Let her know the options – or plan some different options … do you really need to stay in a hotel and have a vip table? It’s your day, so you can do what you want, but sometimes you need to think of the people around you. Yes, your day is special to you, and probably consuming your life, but to most other people it’s just another fun day.

Sorry if this comes across as mean, I guess I’m just sick of reading on here "but she’s spending her own money on herself not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Post # 13
36 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think you need to be more understanding. If it took her 6 months to come up with $150, $80 means 3 months of saving. It appears that she’s willing to be flexible  so you should extend that same willingness to accomodate her situation.

Post # 14
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree that you should cut her some slack.  She did ultimately pay for a dress that she told you was too much.  If it was a dress that you really wanted, perhaps you could have subsidized a portion of it and asked her what she could afford instead of telling her you needed the money by a certain date.

It sounds like she is trying to be accomodating but also living with the reality of her finances. 

Post # 15
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

At least she is being honest with you.  It sounds like she has been more than willing to be accomodating on the other financial challenges that the wedding has brought forth.  I know my Bridal Party were all in college still or first year out of college, so the bachelorette party was a cheap for eveyone.  I paid for a hotel in downtown Orlando so my girls could crash there, and we actually went to dinner, where they paid their own bills and then went clubbing for free (yay for no cover charges for being female).  In the end I wanted to make sure that everyone who could come would come and not be limited by finances particularly in this not so greatest of economic times.

Depending on if you would like her there, maybe you can help her out. If she is a true friend, then I imagine she would do the same for you if you were ever in that situation.  There is always the option of going cheaper on the bachelorette party, I am sure that the entire party might thank you for it.  GL!

Post # 16
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I think if she can’t afford the bachelorette party that’s Ok.  You really wouldn’t want a friend who’s single and has a young child, living with her mom to spend money she doesn’t have.  I know you are tinking she spends money going out, so how is this a big deal now?  But it’s hard for you to judge.  Maybe some people are treating her when they go out.  And even if she’s spending money, do you know how much she’s really spending?  You can’t make claims on someone else’s money.  And a bacheloretter party isn’t a requirement.  Going to a hotel, Out of Town is above and beyond, IMO, not standard.

$150 for a bridesmaid dress is OK, not super, not terrible.  I don’t know, but maybe slightly lower than average??  I think the fact that she told you she had difficulties in paying, then still managed to pay you means that she was sincere.  If she didn’t want to pay the money, making it up as an excuse, she either would have kept blowing you off, or would have just paid you upfront, to save everyone the hassle of the payment plan.

Maybe there’s more to your friend than we can see from your post.  But if I had a friend in her situation in my wedding, I would probably try to be more accommodating of her by offering to pay for her dress, having more affordable parties, maybe pay her way for those too.  You don’t necessarily have to feel that way, but I’d recommend trying to go a little easier on her.

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