(Closed) BRIDESMAID ISSUE…ADVICE NEEDED QUICKLY,PLEASE

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Since the dates are already set, I wouldn’t worry about it anymore.  There’s not much you can do about potential effects on the guest list, short of having a ‘but it’s my special dayyyyy’ freakout =)

 Your friends might have to choose between showers, but more important is how you act from now on.  If you are gracious and let people know that you’re not trying to compete with her, and won’t hold it against them if they choose not to come, everything will go more smoothly.

It’s a tough situation, but it sounds like you’re handling it pretty well already… good luck!

Post # 4
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

As both of you are brides, I’m sure you understand the stress and all the decisions that have to be made leading up to a wedding. If at all possible I would try to get together with her to do something fun or just hang out like in your "college days." While you have a chance to reconnect ask her about the showers, and if she thinks being a bridesmaid is too overwhelming at this time. Also maybe you can suggest or list the things that you’re willing and happy to do for her as a member of her bridal party and her friend and ask if she has a different level of committment. Maybe being a bridesmaid means different things to her. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you ended up both being guests at each others’ weddings. Just offer her the support you are able to give and accept what she is able to give.

Post # 5
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

Personally, I’d shrug it off, keep her in the bridal party, and just adjust your expectations to a lower setting. 

My Maid/Matron of Honor is not going to be able to make it to my bridal shower (even though she’s a co-hostess of it) b/c of various events in her life and the difficulty of traveling…..but, in my view, that doesn’t mean she should be "fired" at all — it’s just life, not personal.

I understand that your situation is different, and you may feel that she is showing some type of disrespect by planning her events too close to yours even though she has "notice" of yours.  As we all know, though, the bride’s vote is not the only one that matters for shower-planning purposes; I’m sure it wasn’t entirely in her control.  33 days out is plenty of time for both of you to make it to both weddings.  As for the showers being a day apart, well, it’s not ideal, but it hardly sounds like the sort of offense that’s worth ending a friendship over.  And kicking someone out of your bridal party could well spell the end of a friendship.  So I sure wouldn’t do it. 

Post # 6
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I am so sorry that you’re in this stressful situation.  Wedding planning often reveals a lot of things, unfortunately.  You said that you were close friends in college, but this might be a gentle sign that you two have grown apart and in different directions.

You are trying to be a good friend and have committed to be there for her shower, and you’re hurt that she’s not reciprocating the same courtesy.  Totally understandable, and also understand that you’re worried that your mutual friends will have to decide which shower to attend.

My only suggestion would be to have a very frank discussion with her as to whether or not she really wants to be a part of your wedding.  If she’s not returning your calls, can you try emailing her or leaving a more specific voicemail that you’re concerned that her schedule it too full and you’d like to discuss if she wants to continue being in the bridal party?

Hang in there and good luck.  I have to tell you that I am Maid/Matron of Honor for a friend’s wedding and can’t make her shower due to a variety of reasons and my friend understands, as I am making upf or it by being her super helper from across the country.  She knows that I am interested in her wedding and will do anything I can from here, which doesn’t sound like your friend is doing for you.

I know you want all your girls there to support you, but keep in mind that not everyone will make it to everything, and the people who do show up will make it all worth it.

Post # 7
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I don’t think your being paranoid, but perhaps emotional (and rightly so since her choice of wedding and shower dates was inappropriate).

Weddings are super emotional times for everyone involved.  I was the Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend from college, and by the time her wedding rolled around I had to plaster a smile on my face to keep from grimacing at her.  In that instance it wasn’t because of overlapping guest lists and shower dates but because she, like your friend, barely made time for me in the run-up to her wedding.  When she did make time it was just to treat me like a slave (you have to rush order your dress because I took to long to pick it out, I don’t have centerpieces can you DIY, can you design my program because you’re more experienced with Power Point, etc.).  It was to the point that the night before her wedding I called my mother and started bawling!  I was so hurt, felt so used, felt like she was only thinking of herself and didn’t give a crap about me. Yet, I was supposed to write a toast for her and her husband?!   My mom talked some sense into me, and I hope the same can be done for you.

Your friend is being a gerk.  It was a bad idea for her to have her wedding so close to yours.  Even the most level-headed bride gets wrapped up in herself to some extent.  That tendancy leaves little for others.  As BMs, and friends, it’s our job to suck it up and remember that it will pass and we’ll get our friend, who cares about us more the wedding details, back eventually.  In your situation, you’re both brides and BMs- an almost untenable situation.

When I was my college friend’s slave/MOH, I finally let her know how I was feeling.  It didn’t really change her behavior, but she did say what I needed to hear, which was that I was important to her, she was sorry, she valued my friendship and she would keep my feelings in mind.  Just hearing that from her was enough to help me stick it out.

Perhaps you can have a heart-to-heart with your friend?  The shower dates are set, but let her know how you feel.  Tell her that you know she’s not being malicious, but your feelings are hurt and you don’t want to put your friendship at risk over this.  If you can open those lines of communication, hopefully you won’t have a similar problem with planning other pre-wedding festivities.

My friend and I worked it out (mainly because I decided to forgive her without waiting for an apology) and I’m glad that we did.  She’s still a big part of my life and I love her to death.  I would have felt like garbage if had let those pre-wedding months ruin our friendship.

You may be right that history or recent history is a predictor of how people will be towards you when you need their help.  But cut her some slack because she’ a bride too.  You sound like a considerate and generous friend, but ask yourself honestly- if you didn’t have your own wedding to plan, wouldn’t you be doing a lot more for her?  Wouldn’t you be a lot more into her planning if you weren’t worrying about your own?  Perhaps you have super-human stores of energy and are the best Bridesmaid or Best Man ever, but in your situation, my Bridesmaid or Best Man contributions would be suffering because of all I had to do for my own wedding.

All those words were just to say- perhaps she will wind up bowing out of your wedding party, but really, no matter what, don’t let this destroy a friendship, because you’ll probably regret it later.  It’s really obvious you care for her a lot (otherwise her actions wouldn’t hurt you do badly).  Try to remember that. 

Post # 8
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

hi – i am not trying to be snarky here, at all, but just hear me out for a second..

do you think that you are only angry/frustrated because you booked dates first, or are you feeling a bit like your wedding is more valid or special because it’s heterosexual?

i only ask because you mention that she’s gay and it’s a civil ceremony when it doesn’t seem relevant. i would just be careful about what you say in the heat of an emotional moment because it could ruin a friendship.

i don’t mean this to sound snippy at all, just trying to point something out. 

Post # 9
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

In response to Missrae’s comment, it didn’t even dawn on me that there may be an issue regarding the same sex civil union.

However, I think this is an excellent example of how different people have different perceptions.  I recently found myself in a similar situation where I was sensitive about a particular issue and it caused me to respond differently from others.

NurseJB- you know your friend better than any of us, but given the climate in this country (assuming you’re in the US), your friend may be particularly sensitive regarding how valid others deem her marriage.  If she thinks that you’re upset because her marriage isn’t as important (even if your upset because of shower dates and guest lists regardless of whom she marries), she may closed off to anything you’d have to say. 

So I think Missrae has a valid point- keep in mind that your behavior may be (mis)construe by your friend as indicating you don’t value her same sex union. 

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I want to second that since the bride doesn’t throw her own shower, she doesn’t get to pick the date.  She generally gets to voice a preference, and then the hosts take over… So I would try not to take the shower thing too personally.  After all, if you have mutual friends who might have to pick one or the other shower, why on earth would she schedule hers (on purpose) so close to yours that people might have to pick yours over hers?  That’s just crazy.

Of course everything is harder if you don’t get to talk it out.  I can’t tell if you are in the same town – but if you are, maybe you can send her an email or leave a message saying that you would really like to talk, and can you do coffee or lunch?  Then you can just tell her how you feel.  That you hardly get to see or talk with her anymore, and that makes you sad.  That your bridal showers are too close together, and that makes you worry about friends having to choose.  I bet that once you talk face-to-face things will work themselves out.  You can talk about the issue of having time (or not) to be bridesmaids.  And even if you decide that you’re both really too busy, hopefully you both end up feeling better about the situation.

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Perhaps the shower is not as big of a deal to her,so she doesn’t realize that this is a stressful situation for you? To me, the bridal shower is an old tradition that is not all that important and I have always felt them a boring obligation to attend.  One of my mom’s friends threw my shower- out of state –  and I told my bridesmaids NOT to travel to make it.  It wouldn’t even phase me if someone I knew had one the same weekend.  My Maid/Matron of Honor briefly floated throwing me one but I think we are going to have a great bachelorette party instead, which is fine with me!

This is not to say you should feel the way I feel – instead, I am just suggesting that your friend might be like me and not get how much this upsets you! Since it is a done deal, try to focus on the big day, and how nice it is that you won’t have this issue for the main event!  It would be a shame to ruin friendships over this. 

Post # 12
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

Suzanno has a good point…showers are usually coordinated with the schedules of the host (and bride).  It’s possible that the May 30 weekend was the only one available where certain relatives and friends can attend.  And since you already have Sunday, June 1 booked, the only other weekend day was Saturday.  I’m sure if you had May 30 booked, she would’ve taken June 1.

Did she at least try to explain to you the picking of the date?  I would think that if I had to pick a date so close to another friend’s date, I would give her a heads up "hey, this is the only date that could work…" to show that there’s no malicious/competitive intentions. 

Post # 13
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

do yourself a favor and stop worrying about 2 different showers in 2 different states and the guests traveling etc…

what’s done is done – just focus on preparing for your own big day AND more importantly the days and years after…

so she’s having wedding/shower close to yours?? this is not rare – when you pick a date – all dates withing 6 months pre and post "your date" are not blocked out for friends and/or family to have something special for themselves also.

i’m not trying to be rude, but was she supposed to not plan her own union b/c you announced your dates first??  there are only 52 weekends in a year – do the math…

 

Post # 14
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I had a similar situation with a cousin’s weddings dates being super close to mine and I was really emotionally drained by it (though it is easy for others to say shrug it off).  At the end of the day, the other bride booked her day a week before mine and then informed me not by calling me as I had repeatly asked her to but by email. It felt horrible, but in the end I’m going to take Anti-Zilla’s type advice- you can only worry about your wedding and your shower. If people cannot come to both they will decide whose they can come to based on distance, friendship etc. At the end of the day your closest friends will be there and excited/happy for you.  Plan your wedding, be happy and don’t let others actions get you down (easier said than done).  Your friend is a bridesmaid and I think she’ll probably follow through with her role. . .

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