Post # 1
I got engaged over the summer and asked a childhood friend to be one of my bridesmaids. She was very excited and even asked a few pointed questions to try to figure who the Maid/Matron of Honor would be and if it would be her. A few months later she got engaged herself. I didn’t assume I would be in her wedding party because she has several sisters and has been a bridesmaid a few times and obviously she can’t pick everyone.
I’ve since found out (through her many social media posts) that I am not in her wedding party. She has never brought it up with me, not even a passing comment like “oh I’m going out to dinner with my bridesmaids tonight” just to make sure that I knew. I’m not so much hurt that she didn’t reciprocate (I feel more foolish that with our weddings so close together it is glaringly obvious who values the friendship more). It’s more that she was so callous in how she let me find out. Facebook has privacy settings that make it very simple to hide your posts from specific people. It clearly never even crossed her mind that I might be hurt, and that feels worse than finding out that she doesn’t consider me a close friend.
It’s made worse by the fact that as of late she has been constantly complaining about the cost of being a bridesmaid. It’s starting to feel like the only reason she was excited to be in the wedding is because she had been waiting so long for her own proposal and so was just excited to be involved in the planning. Now that she has her own wedding it’s like mine is just an annoyance to her.
Post # 2
I’m sorry she didn’t handle it well. It sounds like she chickened out of an awkward situation instead of dealing with it maturely. You could address that if you want, casually. “Hey girl, I know it’s awkward but you could have talked to me about not being a bm. I understand totally, but it hurt to find out on FB”.
Re: your wedding… If she complains to you again just give her an out. “I know the costs can add up especially with your wedding around the corner. If you’d rather not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man I understand”. If you want her out. If you want her in, cover some of her costs but I know that might add insult to injury.
Post # 3
It’s awkward to tell a close friend to her face that she’s not a bridesmaid. She probably couldn’t think of a good way to bring it up and just decided to let her silence do the talking instead. You said you understand she has a lot of women in her life and can’t make everyone a bridesmaid, so I would let go of the hurt and just let this one slide.
As for her complaining about the costs, you could give her an out like PP suggested or just grit your teeth and bear it for the next couple months. Maybe she is shelling out a lot on her own wedding and is feeling the pinch now in a way she wasn’t before.
Post # 4
Go to lunch and discuss this with her. You didn’t expect to be a bridesmaid and she probably didn’t realize how hurt you would be. It’s not that you value the friendship more, like you said, she has several sisters.
Maybe she is looking for an out from being your bridesmaid, that’s why she is complaining
Post # 5
You are contradicting yourself:
I didn’t assume I would be in her wedding party because she has several sisters and has been a bridesmaid a few times and obviously she can’t pick everyone.
(I feel more foolish that with our weddings so close together it is glaringly obvious who values the friendship more).
Her choice of bridesmaids has nothing to do with who values the friendship more.
The pp already made my other point. Some people are just really uncomfortable telling someone they are not going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 6
What I meant was that at the time I asked her to be my bridesmaid, that was my thought process. I didn’t expect her to get engaged a month later since she had told me that her now-fiance had put her on a payment plan to get rid of her six figure student loan debt before he would propose. Friendships change over time, and I think it’s the fact that a month after I asked her she chose her own bridesmaids and didn’t include me, rather than a few years down the road. It’s also the make up of the bridal party. She did not ask all of her sisters, and asked five friends in addition to the sisters she did choose. So it’s not as if she has a small bridal party.
I would never want her to tell me that I wasn’t going to be in her wedding party. But as I mentioned, I think even just a comment that she has chosen her bridal party and is going to an event with them sends the signal. We are both in our late 20s and I don’t think either of us would press the other for an explanation. I think it’s just nice to make sure the other person knows, and that they’re hearing it from you. As it happened, she had posted a photo of going dress shopping with her BMs almost immediately after her engagement. I saw the photo at the time but didn’t read the whole caption. Months later I went back to see if she had tagged the dress shop and that is when I saw the mention of the wedding party and realized she was not going to ask me. So I spent a few months thinking that there was a possibility that she would ask me, or at the very least, that she was taking her time to decide.
Post # 7
I feel you, and I can sense your hurt and think it’s totally justified. I would be hurt but understanding in your shoes, too. I was suggesting a reason why she might have avoided the topic altogether around you instead of dropping hints that you were not in the Bridal Party – she might have wanted to avoid any mention of the Bridal Party in order to avoid awkwardness, but not realized that she was leading you on, in a way, in the process.
Friendships can and do change, and whatever the future of your friendship with this person is, hopefully your wedding day is an awesome memory you can both look back on in the future.
Post # 8
Does it suck not to be chosen? Of course but as you pointed out she has several sisters etc. She isn’t responsible for your petty feelings, you are. She doesn’t owe you an explanation plus what an awkward conversation that would be. Stop making her wedding and her wedding choices about you.
As far as the cost thing, well usually when you hear bridesmaids complaining about costs it is because the bride in question isn’t being sensitive to their budget. Did you discuss a budget individually with your bridesmaids?
Post # 9
I’ve already mentioned that I wouldn’t want an explanation, nor would I have asked. Perhaps you should have read the whole thread before commenting, especially with such a rude response. I’ve gone over every cost with my bridesmaids ahead of time, and have even sourced alternative online stores to find the dresses at the lowest cost. Since my BMs are from different countries and are all wearing different styles, there is no reason for them to order their dresses together. I had originally suggested they choose their own dress within a specific color palette, from any retailer they wanted, but they decided on their own that they would prefer to go with a traditional bridesmaid designer. I had a very hard time finding hair and makeup available on my date. I was left with only one to choose from. Hair was the same price as every other place I contacted. Makeup was more so I asked all of my BMs to privately tell me a reasonable price and I would pay the difference if they wanted to get it done. Hair and makeup were optional, so really there is no reason to complain. I feel I have gone out of my way to make this wedding as affordable as I can for my BMs.