(Closed) Bridesmaid keeps backing out on everything. What do I do?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry for what you went through with your father.

There is one key difference between what you went through and what your friend is going through right now though.

Her father is still alive. 

Could it be she doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with you because it reminds her more of the mortality of her own father?

It does sound like she sees you a bit as a “convenience friend” but having an ill family member can make people act out/cope in strange ways.

Maybe she is trying to spend a lot of time with her dad or feels like she should be so she declines your thing, but then gets too depressed while dealing with her dad’s health issues that she just has to “get away” and do something mindless.

Also, seeing you go through wedding planning without your father, may be hard on her because it may bring up the possibility to her that she may have to do the same one day. And that may be too painful for her to deal with.

Are you the first in your group to get married? That could also be playing into it since you are very young. She may not fully understand the amount of work/planning that goes into a wedding since you are the first to do it.

Post # 5
8736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@FutureMShields:  Maybe give her some space for a bit.

Are you up against a dress ordering deadline yet?

Maybe you could pick a few options for dresses and then show them to her. Rather than asking her to start from scratch.

She may be really torn on whether or not she can be in your wedding or she may just be a flakey friend. 

I’m not really sure what advice to give you at the moment.

Post # 6
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would ask her point blank, “Do you want to be a bridesmaid? If so, it requires xyz.”

Post # 7
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

First I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss.

As for your friend, pick a date to go dress shopping and inform her (don’t ask just tell her the date).  If she doesn’t show up, you have your answer.  If you only have 2 months til your wedding you may not even have enough time to get the dresses in and have them altered so if she skips out again, I would take it as her stepping down.

Post # 8
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am sorry for the loss of your dad.It seems like she has already stated indirectly t hat it is too much for her.I would allow her to bow out gracefully.Good luck.

Post # 9
148 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, she sounds like a worthless friend…

She obviously isn’t using her dad as an excuse when her other friends (who aren’t getting married) want to hang out. I wouldn’t hesitate to bring that up to her. You’re planning a *wedding*, not going out for margaritas. It’s important. If she doesn’t want to take part, she doesn’t have to (understandable, due to her dad). But agreeing to it, then being completely flakey is ridiculous. Your message to her was beyond nice…

I would find another bridesmaid or just have the Maid/Matron of Honor. Whether or not you continue w/the friendship is up to you, but it sounds like she’s a pretty selfish person. You have to decide if someone like that is worthy of being called a friend, let alone take part in something as personal/big as a wedding.


Post # 11
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

It does seem like you’re the one making all the effort. “I think I’m just going to slowly let go of her and slip away from the friendship.”- sounds like the best thing to do.


Post # 12
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t think its fair when you ask someone to be a bridesmaid… and they flake, and come up with numerous excuses. You’ve put the effort in for even non wedding related get togethers & she really doesn’t seem interested. I think you’d feel better if you didn’t have her in the wedding party. It sucks what shes going through, no one wants to be in that position, but it just sounds like she doesnt even want to be your friend! I had to tell one of my girls that I no longer wanted her to be apart of our wedding because she pulled the same crap on me… Now I have 1 Maid/Matron of Honor & 2 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen. No, the numbers dont match, but Im not asking someone just for numbers.. it’ll just uneven! Oh well. Good luck to you! Hope you figure something out that works for YOU!

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