Post # 1
Ok, so I selected my bridesmaids almost 9 months ago. Things were great. Everyone was excited etc. Jump to now…. this particular bridesmaid has just been completely MIA. All of my bridesmaids live out of town, so I don’t exactly have high expectations for them. I’m letting them wear a dress they already have in their closet, same with shoes. I’m getting their hair and makeup done and providing the jewelry. Only one made it to the shower (she happened to be in town) and I’ve only seen two in the last few months.
So, here’s my dilemma. This bridesmaid has been a problem from the start. Despite the fact that I’m REALLY trying to make everyone’s life easy with the wedding, she still complains. She is constantly trying to make a big deal out of having to get a hotel for two nights. When the other girls said they wanted to wear X color shoes, she just told them she had Y and Z color in her closet, so we should wear one of those. She’s not going to participate in the bachelorette party even though she had input on what it was going to be and, instead, she’s hosting a bachelorette party for a mutual friend on the SAME NIGHT. If that’s not bad enough, she hasn’t even tried to call me or return my call since FEBRUARY. The only thing I know is whatever she complains about via email or what I see her post on Facebook (which, apparently, she’s had money to go on vacation to Florida, go to Bonnaroo, travel to a few other cities, go to concerts and host a bachelorette party for a friend.)
I’m afraid if I cut her from the wedding party, she won’t even show up or if she does, she’ll make a scene. She royally sucks as a bridesmaid and she’s not even acting like a friend. I really thought she was a better friend than this and I don’t know what happened.
What would you do? I appreciate all comments! Hopefully, I didn’t come off as snarky or a bridezilla…I just thought BMs were, you know, supposed to call you or return your calls or maybe help a little with the wedding….If I’m an idiot, just let me know.
Post # 3
Sounds like you should try talking to her about it.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t kick her out, but I’d talk to her about what’s going on and give her the opportunity to step down.
Sorry this is happening to you! Good luck!
Post # 5
What are you expecting her to do? Why does she need a hotel for two nights? Are you best friends or just friends? How close is she to the friend she is planning a b-party on the same night as yours?
Bridesmaids aren’t there to help you plan your wedding or help with any DIY projects that you choose to do. It’s nice when they do, but it’s not required.
What are your expectations for your bridal party? You have to remember that your wedding isn’t at the top of their list every day.
If you kick her out, be prepared to lose a friendship.
Post # 6
I think talking to her first would be the best move. How close were the two of you before recently? Has she had some life changes? It sounds like you are more concerned about the friendship moreso than the activities involving being a bridesmaid. Work on the friendship first, and I think everything else will fall into place.
Post # 7
So – here’s the deal, we’ve know each other for 10 some years. We’ve been good friends for that whole time. We were bridesmaids together for our friend last October (that bride is now my bridesmaid). She was a major issue for that wedding. That particular bride actually told her day of coordinator to make sure she didn’t have to deal with her that day. I thought she may have grown out of the need for being the center of attention and having things revolve around her, but I don’t think she learned anything for that experience.
As far as help, the only hope I had for my bridesmaids it that when I asked for their input, I could get some. I’m not asking them to work on projects, I didn’t expect a shower or a bachelorrette, I’m not asking them to do anything other than give me one or two (already narrowed down) suggestions on what I should do for things like decorations or music etc.
They do need a hotel for Friday and Saturday (rehearsal dinner and wedding). That’s the only thing they are being asked to pay for and I’ve given them a list of all of the hotels in the area and rated them based on price and visited every single one to let them know what to expect.
I only call once every two weeks at the most. I always ask about them first and if time permits, I ask for some feedback on the wedding planning I’ve done or hope to do. I really don’t feel like I’m asking them to be more than a friend. I’m certainly not asking them to work on anything or do anything DIY.
I’m not even sure if there’s a friendship left to lose. I mean, she hasn’t even given me the time of day since October. I tried to visit her while I was in her home town (also town of one other BM) and she blew me off completely. I drove for 5 hours each way to get there. I’m just clueless as to what happened.
Post # 8
@Jenniferk6: i agree!
you’re being super accomodating, it’s pretty sad that she can’t act like a friend and has to be a headache every step of the way. i’d just come out an ask her if she even wants to be in the bridal party, because her actions are saying otherwise, and put the decision on her.
Post # 9
@Miss Tattoo: i think thats completly the point of a bridesmaid otherwise whats the point in having anyone stand with you if there not going to help. Ive been in 4 weddings and always help with everything.
Post # 10
I totally understand why you are hurt and frustrated, I would be too.
I wouldn’t kick her out (yet), but would tell her how you feel. That you totally understand where she is coming from but that you have really been trying to make costs easier on her. Also the reason people are asked to be in a wedding is because there are costs invovled, not everyone can afford it. Tell her you’d really like her to be in the wedding party but if its financially too much tell her she can have an out? Maybe thats a good option.
I would also be honest about the bachelorette issue….I’d say your hurt shes not there for you especially since she is in your wedding. I’m not sure how much notice shes had about it but you said she was helping in the planning of yours..how could she not realize it was the same night as this other one? That is very hurtful and I would tell her that in a nice way.
After that, I’d see how it goes. Since she is complaining so much, I’d ask her if shes willling to finish out her responsibility.
Post # 11
i probably wouldnt kick her out..yet! i have a bridesmaid that was acting like that! well two really but one was worse than the other. i think it was jealousy. i said something to her when she complained about something…it was something like “well to be honest it seems like you’re not interested in being a part of my wedding, which if you can’t afford it or just have to much going on right now, or whatever, i would totally understand if you just couldnt do it. we’ve been good friends for a while and i would love to have you as a bridesmaid but i understand if its not something you want to do. i just need to know” and after that nothing really changed for a little bit but recently shes been getting really excited about the wedding stuff and wanting to participate. so had the other one. i think its just cuz its getting closer. but idk maybe just try talking to her first!
Post # 12
My Maid/Matron of Honor is really disappointing me. To the point where I really wish that I had chosen my other Bridesmaid or Best Man as the Maid/Matron of Honor. She is supposed to make my cake, and I am tempted to get someone else to do it. But, I know I would regret it if I booted her out since she has been a friend since childhood.
I’m one for minimal drama though.
Post # 13
@Miss Tattoo: You pretty much said exactly what my thoughts are. It is NICE if the BMs want to help but not required. Infact despite the lack of official duties ALL members of the wedding party must be allowed a + one, it is up to the bride and groom to pay for their hotel room and you have to give them a Bridal Party gift. A bachelorette party is fun but totally not required.
Sometimes what SEEMS like an easy idea (pick your dress or hey this fabric in this colour, this length but you pick the style) causes more headaches. My 1st wedding I have my BMs choose their dress style ONLY conditions it had to be black satin, no sleeves(straps thick or thin, halter all fine) and 3inches below the knee. WELL, one calls up and says she can’t wear satin so she is out b/c she thinks she’ll look fat, another calls asking if it can be 2 inches below the knee not 3 b/c she has planned her dress and 2 inches works best for her, another freake db/c she HAS to have sleeves! I have worn bm dresses I hated, these girls had alot of choice but still found reasons to complain.