Post # 1
Hello Gals! As I have mentioned before, I am getting married abroad-just the two of us-and then having a gathering back at home with my loved ones! So far, the planning has gone well and have done my best to make the reception back home as economical and small as possible, since we are spending the majority of our money in our around the world trip.
Even though my wedding is not “traditional” I chose bridesmaids to let them know how important they are in my life and also to have them just give me moral support. I wanted to acknowledge them in some way. I dont really expect much from them than just to root me along the way and be there for me at the reception. all i have asked is to help decorate the place with me for the reception and thats all. (I provide all of the material of course).
I went to visit one of my bridesmaid who is also my best friend who lives two hours away. She has been the least responsive when letting her know how excited I am about my trip, keeping her updated on my wedding plans such as my dress etc, however, I dont care in the end because I know thats how she is and she is going through some things I guess. She explained to me how concerned she became when I mentioned that some ppl have to get hotels (unfortunately I cant fit 20-25 ppl in my house). She explained that she noticed she is going to have to spend on hotel, making a dress (ummm I didnt even tell them what dresses to get, I told them they can wear whatever they want as long as it is summery) and that she has to rent a car. letting me know she may spend up to a 1000 dollars. She then explained that my wedding is become more extravagant than what I planned, and thought that I would end up still having a big lavish wedding here in the states, even though I plan to spend the majority of my money abroad. Basically, saying that I am doing to much. While I appreciate her honestly, I honestly do not expect her to do all these things. I basically told her that the only thing she has to worry about it to be there on that day. I dont think its my fault that she lives two hours away, or that she wants to make her dress. When it comes to it being “lavish” I am honestly doing everything DIY with the exception of some things: 1. I had to find a venue because unfortunately my family and my fiances family alone is 50 ppl. so unfortunately, I dont have a place where it can hold those ppl. 2. I have bridesmaids for the significance and principle not for the fact that I need them to slave away. I honestly have not asked anyone for anything, Im not demanding things and all I want is to have fun.
Do you guys think that she is overeacting? or that I am doing too much? Honestly, I came home feeling so bad and sad, knowing that I am not even making these demands. I just feel like some things are avoidable, I live in a different city than my family now and I cant really do anything about them coming up here and spend money. Plus, I dont think im doing anything lavish etc. (trust me, if I had a huge home and a huge backyard, it would be there). If ppl can come great, if ppl cant then thats ok too. because technically, I am already married by the time they come to the reception, I just wanted to celebrate our marriage with them.
What do you guys think?
Post # 3
If she’s spending $1000 on a hotel, car rental, and a dress, she’s doing it wrong. She sounds like a brat, or sounds like she has some issue that she doesn’t want to tell you about (money issues, probably).
Post # 4
I think it is important to remember that this is YOUR wedding.
I know it is very hard not to let others make you feel bad and guilty. You feel like you need to be accomodating everyone. Although you do want to make it easier for them it sounds as though you have.
By allowing her to pick her own dress you are already saving her money and it is expected that guests usually pay for their hotel if they are not from the area.
Maybe suggest some inexpensive hotels in the area? Other than that, it sounds as if you have done everything you can. It shouldn’t matter how extravagant your wedding is to her…because at the end of the day, it’s your day to celebrate your love.
Looking at it through a different lens, sometimes what someone is complaining about, is not always what they are actually upset about. I have noticed around weddings, a lot of insecurities come out (especially with close friends) and she may be complaining about the hotel and the price, but it may actually be the idea of you getting married that is making her feel insecure.
I do not know who this is at all, so I could be completely out in left field here…but maybe ask her if this is really about the wedding or if it is something else that she is upset about?
Anyways….good luck! Remember….this wedding is a celebration of YOU and YOUR PARTNER. Your bridesmaids should be there to support you, and although you want to show your gratitude, you are not there to serve them.
I hope this helps!! Good luck!!
Post # 5
Ugg, your mom sounds pretty difficult! Has she looked into a Zipcar or tried to find a rideshare with another guest?
You really don’t sound like you’re asking for a lot!
Post # 6
I don’t know I can kind of see why she might be upset about spending so much money and being asked to decorate for the reception and not being invited to the actual wedding. It is kind of like saying you are important enought to me to spend hundreds of dollars and save me money on hiring a decorator but not important enough to witness our wedding. She may also feel that you are using her for free labour especially given that you are going on a world trip.
Post # 7
Don’t feel guilty! She only lives two hours away. She could drive back home if she wanted to do so. I think she is overinflating it anyway. If it were me I would spend $100 on a dress, $150-200 or less on a hotel, and I assume less than $100 on car rental. The total would be around or less than $400. She is just trying to make you feel bad.
Post # 8
I think you need to let her know that although she is not going to stand by your side when you get married, you chose bridesmaids to let people know how much you care about them. If she doesn’t want to come don’t make her, and probably stop talking about your plans with her too TBH.
The only things you can do to convince her are to try and find a cheap hotel/friends spare room, or try and organise a car share for her.
Don’t be sad about the demands you are making, because really they aren’t much. You are asking your friends to help set up for a party! You didn’t specify what sort of dress or what colour did you?
Post # 9
Exactly what I was gonna say. I think I’d feel pretty shitty if I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man and my job was to decorate…that’s not what BMs are for, get staff of the place for that…Think she’s making up excuses becasue she’s hurt.
Post # 10
@j_jaye: I understand this but if she’s bitching about money already, don’t you think she’d bitch even more if she was asked to spend WAYY more than that traveling to a DW?
I think she’s overinflating her costs…why does she have to rent a car if she’s not flying in? does she not own a car? also, you’ve let her pick whatever dress she wants & she’s only 2 hours away so she definitely doesn’t need a hotel unless she wants one.
Post # 11
@soontobemrsm11: It’s impossible to know really but if she was invited to the wedding she may decline becasue of money but maybe she would be more inclined to celebrate with her friend at home.
Now all that”s happening is that the bride is basically rubbing it in her face that she’s going abroad and then wants Bridesmaid or Best Man to set up for her reception. She is no more than a manual servant for the bride. Somehow I fail to see how Bridesmaid or Best Man is supposed to be excited about this.
It is exciting to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man becasue you get to partake in a friend’s wedding day and be there to support them. This Bridesmaid or Best Man is a worker.
People sometimes find things to bitch about when they are upset even if that isn’t what they are upset about and this seems to be hapening here. Seems like Bride is treating Bridesmaid or Best Man quite badly and Bridesmaid or Best Man don’t feel like partaking.
Post # 12
I honestly don’t understand the point of bridesmaids. It seems like a lot of bridesmaids hate being them, so why do we even have them?
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds to me like she’s making excuses. Maybe money really is an issue and she’s just exaggerating on the cost because it sounds more reasonable than the actual amount she can’t afford. Or maybe there’s something else bugging her.
Post # 13
Garg. On the one hand, if she can’t afford it then she shouldn’t come and it’s as simple as that. However, I don’t think you’re asking for anything unreasonable. I’m guessing you’re asking them to come earlier on the day or the reception or possibly the day before to help decorate? I might not be thrilled about decorating, but I don’t think it’s that big a deal. I also think it’s really nice that you’re letting her pick her own dress. And of course she’s going to have to pay to get herself there – was this in some way a surprise to her? Was she expecting to teleport? And it is defiantely not unreasonable to expect her to get a hotel room. There are probably reasonably priced ones. Or maybe a hostel or YWCA? Or she could share with someone?
Post # 14
@MissKit: +1 After seeing all the drama other brides are having, I’m not having BMs. I’d like my best friends to STAY my best friends after I’m married =/
Post # 15
I think this friend would like to spend a bit less money on your reception. Maybe it’s because she’s not a real bridesmaid anyway, so she doesn’t want to spend money being a reception bridesmaid, or maybe it has nothing to do with your wedding/reception at all, finances are just tight.
Look at it from her point of view. If she were a guest she could wear something out of her closet and catch a ride with another guest. As a bridesmaid she feels she needs to come up with a summery dress, rent a car to show up early to decorate, get a hotel because she can’t leave the reception early to get home that night, and perhaps she also feels she needs to throw a shower and or bacherlorette party even though you don’t expect that of her.
If I were you I’d let the whole bridesmaid thing go. Your friends are your friends. They will be there for you in the planning stages and show up to help if they can without an honorary title.