(Closed) bridesmaid making bride feel guilty? overreacting bridesmaid?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

If she’s spending $1000 on a hotel, car rental, and a dress, she’s doing it wrong. She sounds like a brat, or sounds like she has some issue that she doesn’t want to tell you about (money issues, probably).

Post # 4
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think it is important to remember that this is YOUR wedding. 

I know it is very hard not to let others make you feel bad and guilty. You feel like you need to be accomodating everyone. Although you do want to make it easier for them it sounds as though you have. 

By allowing her to pick her own dress you are already saving her money and it is expected that guests usually pay for their hotel if they are not from the area.

Maybe suggest some inexpensive hotels in the area? Other than that, it sounds as if you have done everything you can. It shouldn’t matter how extravagant your wedding is to her…because at the end of the day, it’s your day to celebrate your love.

Looking at it through a different lens, sometimes what someone is complaining about, is not always what they are actually upset about. I have noticed around weddings, a lot of insecurities come out (especially with close friends) and she may be complaining about the hotel and the price, but it may actually be the idea of you getting married that is making her feel insecure.

I do not know who this is at all, so I could be completely out in left field here…but maybe ask her if this is really about the wedding or if it is something else that she is upset about?

Anyways….good luck! Remember….this wedding is a celebration of YOU and YOUR PARTNER. Your bridesmaids should be there to support you, and although you want to show your gratitude, you are not there to serve them. 

I hope this helps!! Good luck!! 

Post # 5
Member
12248 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugg, your mom sounds pretty difficult! Has she looked into a Zipcar or tried to find a rideshare with another guest?

You really don’t sound like you’re asking for a lot!

Post # 6
Member
8438 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t know I can kind of see why she might be upset about spending so much money and being asked to decorate for the reception and not being invited to the actual wedding. It is kind of like saying you are important enought to me to spend hundreds of dollars and save me money on hiring a decorator but not important enough to witness our wedding. She may also feel that you are using her for free labour especially given that you are going on a world trip.

Post # 7
Member
3226 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t feel guilty! She only lives two hours away. She could drive back home if she wanted to do so. I think she is overinflating it anyway. If it were me I would spend $100 on a dress, $150-200 or less on a hotel, and I assume less than $100 on car rental. The total would be around or less than $400. She is just trying to make you feel bad.

Post # 8
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you need to let her know that although she is not going to stand by your side when you get married, you chose bridesmaids to let people know how much you care about them. If she doesn’t want to come don’t make her, and probably stop talking about your plans with her too TBH.

The only things you can do to convince her are to try and find a cheap hotel/friends spare room, or try and organise a car share for her.

Don’t be sad about the demands you are making, because really they aren’t much. You are asking your friends to help set up for a party! You didn’t specify what sort of dress or what colour did you?

Post # 9
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@j_jaye: +1

Exactly what I was gonna say.  I think I’d feel pretty shitty if I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man and my job was to decorate…that’s not what BMs are for, get staff of the place for that…Think she’s making up excuses becasue she’s hurt.

Post # 10
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@j_jaye:  I understand this but if she’s bitching about money already, don’t you think she’d bitch even more if she was asked to spend WAYY more than that traveling to a DW?

I think she’s overinflating her costs…why does she have to rent a car if she’s not flying in? does she not own a car? also, you’ve let her pick whatever dress she wants & she’s only 2 hours away so she definitely doesn’t need a hotel unless she wants one.

Post # 11
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@soontobemrsm11:  It’s impossible to know really but if she was invited to the wedding she may decline becasue of money but maybe she would be more inclined to celebrate with her friend at home. 

Now all that”s happening is that the bride is basically rubbing it in her face that she’s going abroad and then wants Bridesmaid or Best Man to set up for her reception.  She is no more than a manual servant for the bride.  Somehow I fail to see how Bridesmaid or Best Man is supposed to be excited about this. 

It is exciting to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man becasue you get to partake in a friend’s wedding day and be there to support them.  This Bridesmaid or Best Man is a worker.

People sometimes find things to bitch about when they are upset even if that isn’t what they are upset about and this seems to be hapening here. Seems like Bride is treating Bridesmaid or Best Man quite badly and Bridesmaid or Best Man don’t feel like partaking.

 

Post # 12
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I honestly don’t understand the point of bridesmaids. It seems like a lot of bridesmaids hate being them, so why do we even have them?

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds to me like she’s making excuses. Maybe money really is an issue and she’s just exaggerating on the cost because it sounds more reasonable than the actual amount she can’t afford. Or maybe there’s something else bugging her. 

Post # 13
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Garg. On the one hand, if she can’t afford it then she shouldn’t come and it’s as simple as that. However, I don’t think you’re asking for anything unreasonable. I’m guessing you’re asking them to come earlier on the day or the reception or possibly the day before to help decorate? I might not be thrilled about decorating, but I don’t think it’s that big a deal. I also think it’s really nice that you’re letting her pick her own dress. And of course she’s going to have to pay to get herself there – was this in some way a surprise to her? Was she expecting to teleport? And it is defiantely not unreasonable to expect her to get a hotel room. There  are probably reasonably priced ones. Or maybe a hostel or YWCA? Or she could share with someone?

Post # 14
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@MissKit:  +1 After seeing all the drama other brides are having, I’m not having BMs. I’d like my best friends to STAY my best friends after I’m married =/

Post # 15
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think this friend would like to spend a bit less money on your reception.  Maybe it’s because she’s not a real bridesmaid anyway, so she doesn’t want to spend money being a reception bridesmaid, or maybe it has nothing to do with your wedding/reception at all, finances are just tight.

Look at it from her point of view.  If she were a guest she could wear something out of her closet and catch a ride with another guest.  As a bridesmaid she feels she needs to come up with a summery dress, rent a car to show up early to decorate, get a hotel because she can’t leave the reception early to get home that night, and perhaps she also feels she needs to throw a shower and or bacherlorette party even though you don’t expect that of her.

If I were you I’d let the whole bridesmaid thing go.  Your friends are your friends.  They will be there for you in the planning stages and show up to help if they can without an honorary title.  

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