(Closed) Bridesmaid making EVERYTHING about her VENT/RANT

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

If it were me, I’d have the talk before the wedding so that if you lose them as friends, they won’t be in your wedding photos! Also, have another bachelorette party that’s actually fun for you, if you have the time and even if it’s just one low key evening painting pottery with some of your bridal party. I’d hate for you crying at a strip club to be one of the few memories with the people you love in the run up to your wedding.

Post # 3
47292 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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snowflake8:  She does sound a liitle self absorbed, but you are also playing the victim.

If you didn’t want to go to the stripclub, you could have done a U turn when you saw the destination.

I definitely wouldn’t confront her before or after the wedding. The time to tell someone they are hurting you or making you uncomfortable, is right when it happens. If you can’t be confident enough to do that,  confronting her later is only going to ruin the relationship between your Fiance and his best friend.

Post # 4
9022 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Did anyone throw Tiffy her own shower or bachelorette party?

Post # 5
32 posts

View original reply
snowflake8:  I am so sorry bee, her behavior has been very damaging to your friendship. It would seem that she has made your friendship into a competition. Without knowing her personally, she may be jealous of you and her jealousy is causing her to act abnormally crazy, or if that’s not it, then this is just who she is and you’ve become the unlucky recipient of most of her recent chaos. If she has a dramatic personality, their goal is to create “problems” to feed their own need for drama. Drama keeps things exciting for these types of people. Trashing your wedding, or stealing your experience makes her feel important or superior. 

It is very apparent she wants to take this wedding experience away from you in some way. You have every right to feel uneasy about what may happen in 3 weeks’ time at your wedding. You have a few options:

1) You confront her before the wedding. This may be a friendship ending move but it seems that you have your Fiance and friends there to support you. If you are not concerned about her and the Best Man’s attendance, this may be the way to go. Be prepared that this confrontation will be quite a show. Rehearse your preconceived lines and state what you are looking for in order for her to continue to be a part of your wedding

2) You have the wedding without confronting her and are prepared for the suspected shenanigans she may cause on the day of. Don’t feed into her behavior and have friends/family to distract her. Confront her after the wedding and state what you did not appreciate in regards to her behavior. Tell her, moving forward, what you would like to resolve and how she can be a better friend. If this is unreasonable to her, then you can consider calling it quits.

3) You talk to the best man first and see if he can be a buffer. It’s possible he could remind her that they’ve had their wedding, now it’s your turn. From what you wrote, they should be having their wedding in the next week. Maybe after they had theirs, you could approach him then. How effective this would be is dependent on his personality.

Whichever you choose, I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 6
1311 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that you should talk to her before the wedding, so in case there’s a fallout, they won’t be in your wedding photos. She sounds like a huge brat. Also you say that you wouldn’t really care if she wasn’t your friend, so just bring everything up front now instead of later.

Post # 7
312 posts
Helper bee

I see nothing wrong with her getting engaged after a year, after gettin divorced (adults know if and when they have moved on and it is not your place to judge) or planning her wedding 2 weeks before yours. I don’t think you have any reason to be pissed about any of it.

Also, if you weren’t that close to her and you knew she could be like that you probably shouldn’t have asked her to be in the wedding. She doesn’t have to be in it just because her fi is.

Anyway, regardless her behavior stinks. She obviously has something going on that causes her to be an attention whore. Id be super pissed too. I would say something between the two weddings knowing they may drop out. I agree with not wanting her in pics…too bad you’ll probably loose your husband’s friend too

Post # 8
3902 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Not to sound bridezillaish but I would have kicked her out of the wedding party after the bachelorette and not attended her wedding, and probably not have been her friend after that. I know her Fiance Ed is the Bridesmaid or Best Man, and if you kick her out he will be upset and will most likely not be the Bridesmaid or Best Man and they will most likely not come to the wedding and will nor be your friends anymore. If your Fiance is ok with that, I would do that. I hate narcissistic self absorbed bitches. Good riddance. 

If your Fiance is not okay with that, just grin and bare it till the wedding day. And if she starts ruining it for you ask her to leave. I would hire a security guard, and have him escort her out if she starts drama after you ask her to leave. Or have some designated friends and family take care of it. I know it all sounds harsh but she is being an obnoxious biatch and narcissistic attention whore, not a good bridesmaid and friend. 

Post # 9
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

If you and your fiancé agree on this matter, why not kick her out now? 

Remove her from the bridal party now so that she’s not able to pull more of her attention-getting antics on your wedding day. Solve the problem before it starts. I doubt there are any good reasons not to. Heck, even the other members of your bridal party are over her nonsense, so you shouldn’t be getting any flack from them.

Post # 10
7640 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Rhopalocera:  There’s a very good reason not to: if she kicks Tiffy out of the bridal party, there’s a good chance the best man (Tiffy’s fiance) will drop out too.

With hindsight, it was a mistake to put her in the bridal party, a mistake to entrust her with the bachelorette, a mistake (on the part of the other bridesmaids) to not help with the bachelorette, and a mistake to walk into the stripclub. But those things are hard to undo when the wedding is so close.

Keep her in the bridal party and seat her as far away from you as possible. (So if you have a head table, seat at the furthest position). I don’t see how she make your wedding day about her if you do that.

Or kick her out if your fiance is happy to risk getting a new best man.

Post # 11
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

aussiemum1248: That’s actually not that good of a reason, in my opinion. According to OP, her fiancé said that if they lose Tiffy and Ed as friends, “so be it”.

If it’s fine to lose them as friends after the wedding, it’s probably just fine to lose them as friends before the wedding. What will the bride gain from tolerating her “friend’s” awful behavior? Probably nothing. If she doesn’t tolerate it and removes Tiffy from the bridal party, she might just gain peace of mind about how her bridal party will act, and I think that’s pretty darn important. If the enabler of Tiffy’s bad behavior has to go too, well, so be it. 

Post # 12
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

This sounds oddly familiar. (Especially the part about the bachelorette party.) Have you posted this before?

Honestly, no one cares about your wedding after the fact. By the time your own wedding rolls around, absolutely no one at your own wedding will care about her and probably won’t even give her any attention. Most people will probably think she’s tacky for even bringing it up. Just hang in there.

Post # 14
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
snowflake8:  I understand not wanting anymore drama before the wedding. Keeping her at arm’s length is definitely a good idea.

I hope everything works out well and that you have a great, nonsense-free wedding day.

Post # 15
13891 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Here’s what I got while reading your post:

– You chose to ask someone you didn’t really know well to stand beside you on the most important day of your life simply because her boyfriend (now fiance) is a groomsman. Just because your social group is “inclusive” by including SOs of people in the group (which is less inclusive, and more just good manners), this is now how you pick your bridesmaids, and this is how issues like this come up.

– She’s having a small, lowkey wedding two weeks before yours. That’s not stealing your thunder – that’s scheduling. She didn’t pick your wedding day, she didn’t copy your ideas. She’s getting married. Be happy for her, end of story. Also, the timing of her engagement and divorce shouldn’t matter too much to you. People wait and get engaged when the timing works for them, and it’s not for you to judge their circumstances. Like I said before, just be happy for her.

– The comments about butting in about her wedding would annoy me a lot too, but at the same time, she’s probably just excited. She’s having a small ceremony for whatever reason, and probably feels like her day is overshadowed by yours because I gather you’re having a more elaborate event. She’s excited about her wedding, too.

– The bridal shower thing was rude on her behalf and out of line. Wearing white is not okay, and neither is making the day about her. However, she is not obligated to help with anything, nor is it expected. If a Bridesmaid or Best Man wants to throw a shower or help in any way, they will.

– I’d be pissed about the bachelorette, too. The only reason I can think she did this is because maybe she wasn’t having one herself and this is what she wanted? Either way though, it’s bad form to make the bride do something she doesn’t want to do at her bachelorette party, or at any other event, for that matter. Why didn’t any of your other BMs speak up when she was planning this? Certainly they would have known you didn’t want to do this and should have defended you.

– As for Ed having to work late – shit happens. She’ll get there when she gets there. I promise you, rehearsals aren’t that important, and I am confident that an adult woman can figure out how to walk down the aisle when told to do so.

So, to sum it all up — I think some of her actions have been rude and inappropriate, but there may be reasons behind them and you may be reading too much into some of them. Some are indefensible (the shower and bachelorette), but some of them could literally be as simple as her not recognizing how her actions are making you feel. Some people are clueless about that. After her wedding and yours are over, perhaps it’s time for a one-on-one for the two of you to discuss these things and other issues you may have, and decide then if the friendship is worth continuing. Your mind, and hers, are in full on wedding mode so you may not be thinking as clearly as you would if weddings weren’t involved.

Good luck!

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