(Closed) bridesmaid need advice about bride (very long)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think if you are going to help a bride that decided not to make you a Maid/Matron of Honor, it’s your perogative, but you can’t be huffy about it. At that point, you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart and to be a friend. It automatically negates everything you do when you make the title the issue, and even though you may be hurt, your friend was reacting to you being “pissed” so to speak, which adds drama to an envirnoment which is already probably pretty stressful for the bride.

Your friend interprets drama to be anything that cause an imbalance in her happiness for no reason during her planning. And the way it spiraled out of control very quickly during your text battle probably reaffirmed for her (even though it was not your intention) that there is drama coming from your direction.

Honestly, if she wanted, she could have had two MOH’s. It’s a very touchy subject for you obviously, but she probably felt you might be busy with appointments, getting ready for your baby, etc. during her planning process. She doesn’t think you can’t do anything because you’re pregnant, but that you won’t be able to focus on her.

I think you need to take a step back for a little, take a breath, and reevaluate the situation in a few days, but I think if you are going to be involved with the wedding, you have to accept your responsibilities with grace and not really say anything. Or maybe you should just be as a guest since the whole experience is tainted thusfar. It’s something you would have to discuss with her, obviously.

Post # 4
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@hurtfriend:  I don’t think so. She seems out of line.

Post # 6
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

On to the topic at hand…I think there were some over-reactions on both sides, to be honest. I think her immediately “demoting” you was a drastic move so soon after finding out about your pregnancy, yes. She could have at least thought about it for a few days and asked you, so in that instance that was her over-reacting. But I also think that the words exchanged more recently involve you over-reacting (i.e. saying “no” you wouldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore before working it out.)

I think that it might have been best to just keep your feelings in about being the Bridesmaid or Best Man and not the Maid/Matron of Honor but doing everything to keep the peace. I’m sure you understand that this isn’t just normal drama and your friend is under a lot of pressure. Weddings aren’t always fun to plan. I agree with PP that it seems “drama” is her interpretation of “not going just right.” So no, an unexpected pregnancy wouldn’t be going as she’d expected. Ya know? Though admittedly she could have handled it better.

Honestly it just sounds like a massive amount of communication and understanding issues. I think that also you are perhaps having an emotional time in your life following a MC on top of being “demoted” and that may have played into it also, though I could be wrong. It seems she forgot that she still has to be your friend during her planning if she hasn’t been supportive of either the pregnancy or the miscarriage news. At the end of the day, you guys have to decide what’s more important to each of you and decide what kind of feelings you will have going forward (after the wedding) if the wedding becomes encased in drama. If you don’t end up being in her bridal party, how will you feel? How will she feel?

Post # 7
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t think you’re out of line.  Honestly, this is what happens when brides put the princess crown on for the entire 6-12 months before the wedding instead of just the wedding day.

She should have asked you how you felt about your Maid/Matron of Honor duties while being pregnant before she “demoted” you.  Such a demeaning thing, to put one’s own desires before a best friend’s feelings.  It’s cause and effect- you are reacting to feeling disrespected and possibly taken advantage of. 


Post # 8
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I can def see both sides.  About a week after I gave my best friend the title of Maid/Matron of Honor she had an unexpected move to France.  I was very very happy for her because it was something she had been waiting for for several years.  It just so happened to work out right when wedding stuff would be starting.  I definitely felt scared and panicked at first.  I often thought about whether she would be able to be a Maid/Matron of Honor being out of the country and often feel like I’m alone in planning because she’s not able to be with me in the process.  But I didn’t demote her and she has been super supportive from far far away.  I feel grateful that she’s still my Maid/Matron of Honor and I just pray that she DOES make it back to the states by the time my wedding rolls around.

It does seem like a lot of pain and fear is flying back and fourth between you.  It’s most likely not at all about the Maid/Matron of Honor title but more about what is going on in both of your lives and how much you mean to each other and how scary it is to not know how things will work out if one of you gets consumed by your life events.  It sounds like you both care a lot about each other and like you still have an opportunity to be a part of this if you want. 

Post # 9
103 posts
Blushing bee

I think she was definitely wrong to demote you with no consultation… If my Maid/Matron of Honor called me to say she was pregnant I would have absolutely no thought of my wedding, that’s a time in your life when you are absolutely the most important person. There is plenty of time later on to talk about your role as Maid/Matron of Honor.

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, and it sounds like through a challenging time in your life you have been more than fulfilling your role as a bridesmaid! In a private gripe… My own bridesmaid hasn’t even been to visit me since our engagement and I’m getting married in 3 weeks!

I think it’s up to you if you want the title of Maid/Matron of Honor back… And you need to be clear about what you want from your friend. At the moment you’re being a little bit passive aggressive, you’re angry about being demoted but now you don’t want the title back because the other girl will be inconvenienced. You need to know what you want the outcome to be from talking with the bride, and then you’ll have a much more productive conversation with her instead of fighting!

Post # 11
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@hurtfriend:  Wanted to add, you are NOT “making things all about you.” She is doing that and projecting it onto you. She wants it to be all about HER, or so it sounds, and quite frankly she has a bit of “princess bride” syndrome. The fact that she is disregarding your pregnancy and then miscarriage because she is engaged is pretty terrible in my opinion.

Post # 13
8430 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You are a bigger person than most- most people would have dumped this so called friend when she demoted you.

I think you have been a good friend- good friends talk to their friends when they are feeling hurt and don’t bottle it up inside being resentful. I think she took advantage of you which is not what friends should do.

I also think she was out of line to bring up your pregnancy and miscarriage (sorry to hear about that) as causing drama for her wedding. A true friend would have embraced your pregnancy and supported you through your miscarriage.

I actually had a chuckle when you started writing about how the new Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t meet this brides demands- karma is a bitch!

True not to feel too hurt by your friends actions and if you feel like still being her friend 9which honestly i wouldn’t) then maybe wait til after she comes out of the bride bubble. She will probably have more prespective on her behaviour by then!

Post # 14
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

And this is why we tell brides not to demote or kick-out MOHs and BMs.  It’s extremely rude and hurtful.

OP, you are not over-reacting nor did you make the wedding about you at any point.  Your bride is wrong and frankly, she is acting like a bridezilla.  Demoting or kicking-out a BM/MOH is a friendship ending move and I’m impressed that you are still trying to remain friends.  If I were in your shoes I would have declined to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man after the demotion and would take a good long look at the friendship to decide if it was something I wanted to keep.

However, please, for the love of god, STOP TEXTING AND CALL!  Texting is a terrible way to have a fight or any intense conversation.

Post # 15
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage.  That must have been really difficult for you and your husband to go through.  

As for your post and the situation you’re dealing with for the wedding…I think you both are over-reacting a bit.  It’s easy to do…I’m finding this out myself.  Somehow these titles and roles seem to mean so much more then we all tell ourselves they do.  

Your friend acted hastily by demoting you upon hearing you were pregnant.  But as hard as I’m sure that was for you to deal with (I’d be upset)…I think at that point, you should just do what you want to do for your friend (as her friend…not a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man or anything else) and not let bad feelings fester and get the best of you.

The bride is right…this is supposed to be a happy, drama-free time for everyone.  I think your only fault here is that you probably should have just left the situation be what it is and not bring it up to her.  It only escalated things and your friendship will suffer as a result.  

I hope you two figure it out… a wedding is a great day…but it’s not worth ending friendships over.

Post # 16
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

She said that I’m the one that got pregnaant and I’m the one that had a miscarrige and that all she did was react to my changes. She said she was getting upset and that she would call me later.

Was she there for you at all during your miscarriage or has she just been all about the wedding? If she hasn’t been there for you as a friend during this difficult time for you, I wouldn’t bother trying to save a friendship.

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