Post # 1
Typing this out on my phone because I don’t have access to a computer right now, and I need to get it out.
I found out yesterday that 1 of my 2 bridesmaids cannot make it to the rehearsal / dinner. At first she said it was because of her graduation. Last night I found out that her graduation is the day before. I messaged her about it, and she said she cannot come because of “graduation stuff.” I suspect it’s because she is going to one of her friends graduation parties.
I feel so hurt. 🙁
Post # 2
It’s not a big deal. The rehearsal is totally optional. She will still be there for the wedding day and that is what is important.
Post # 3
Ummm to be honest maybe she wants to go out and party and celebrate her achievement and rot in bed with a hangover the next day. To be honest. I think that is totally fine!
I am sure someone can brief her the morning of the wedding on what she needs to do. People’s lives don’t grind to a halt and their own achievements don’t stop being celebrated because their friend is getting married.
I would just shoot her a text with what is expected of her.
Post # 4
Nothing to be hurt about. Sometimes schedules conflict and we can’t do everything we are invited to do. I’m sure she will have no problem figuring out how to walk in a straight line down an aisle at the appropriate time.
Post # 5
If plans have been on the books for a while, I would be hurt. If your rehearsal stuff came together at the last minute, it is a little more understandable that she may have other plans.
Post # 6
I think you’re too wrapped up in your wedding to see this situation for what it is. You should definitely prefer that your best friend celebrates her graduation on graduation night with her friends and classmates than attend your rehearsal dinner. She will still be attending your actual wedding, which is your day but her graduation day is about her.
Post # 7
Totally understand the frustration. Our Best Man says he’ll probably need to leave our wedding early because of a big thing going on at work that weekend. He’s usually only on call over the weekend, it’s not his standard hours. Fiance is frustrated/annoyed because our wedding is on Saturday so this thing will be happening during our wedding and we’re worried he’s going to flake on us with work stuff. But it is what it is.
Post # 8
Most people on this site think that the only job a bridesmaid has is to wear a dress and show up on the day of the wedding. That is not the case where I am from. It is the norm for them to plan the bachelorette, shower, and attend all wedding weekend events. (Not everyone can always do everything, which is fine, but this is how it usually goes.) I would also be disappointed if I was in your situation.
I would just let her know you wished she would make it, but unfortunately that is all you can really do. Don’t take it personally. Her graduation is probably the biggest event in her life at the moment, as your wedding is yours.
Post # 9
I am literally always going above and beyond for this person. I don’t mind – she is my friend. Looking back at it all, it hurts. I have been to so many of her events. And at least half of these events, I end up helping her the entire time. Just this past semster, I went to an award event she was honored at and took pictures for her (with a camera she had me rent, download the photos, return the camera), pictures of her at a football game she was honored at, helping her with writing so many drafts of this write up for her award, helping her with her personal statement for medical school, ect.
I ask her advice on course schedule sometimes, but that is it.
She didn’t come to my Bridal Shower. That time it was because she was driving back from her medical school interview. But the interview was the day before… She could have just gotten up a little earlier and made it.
I have tried being understanding and if it was an isolated thing, I would be okay with it. Maybe the interview went bad and she wanted to be alone. Maybe she was really tired, ect. But looking back, it feels like a pattern.
Post # 10
It’s not her graduation night. Her graduation night is the 3rd. The reception is the 4th. Her party (that I went to) was the 1st.
Post # 11
But she let you know in advance she was busy, I totally get that expecting bridesmaids to just show up in a dress on the day is a massive exaggeration and most of us have certain inbuilt expectations of how involved our bridesmaids should be. I would say that in most cases bridesmaids should
attend the rehearsal dinner, but in this case she has a very clear and understandable reason as to why she can’t.
I suspect it’s because she is going to one of her friends graduation parties.
I feel so hurt.
You say this like the graduation parties the night of her graduation are no big deal, have you graduated college? You don’t sound understanding of this massive stage in her life at all. You can make it out that it is just a party, but at the end of the day so is your rehearsal dinner. The parties on the night of graduation are a big celebration and a big deal and she is allowed to enjoy this moment in her life. I honestly don’t think a good friend should expect their close friend to skip out on this for one of many wedding related events, if it was your wedding I would understand but the rehearsal just isn’t that important.
Post # 12
honestly you don’t have to do so much for her, especially if you are starting to resent it. But nothing she has done sounds that egregious, just disappointing. I wouldn’t get up at the crack of dawn to drive to a wedding shower either. A med school interview and driving safely are far more important. And while I’d prefer people to attend the rehearsal (despite what bees say it’s not all as obvious as you’d think, as my bil can attest), it’s not the end of the world if it isn’t feasible. Do you really want her there hungover? Do you really want her to miss celebrating graduation? Just don’t have her walk down the aisle first on you’re wedding day and she can work it out based on what the others do.
In summation, it’ll all be okay and stop going above and beyond for her if you expect the same in return. You’re not going to get that from her and it’s only upsetting you.
Post # 13
To give another example of what I mean by a “pattern.”
Back when we first started being friends (probably a year into the friendship). She said she was doing research and needed sea water and could I bring her some from the beach. At the time, I was visiting my parents every other weekend and they live 10 minutes from the beach. I said okay. It turned out, it couldn’t just be a bucket of water. I needed to go to the store, get an ice chest, ice, a bottle of Dionized Water, dump out the DI Water, go get the water put it right in the ice chest, and drop the water off to her on campus. Sand in my car from the beach, ect.
I figured this was important for her research, so, alright. She is my friend.
I did all that at least 4 different days for her. She never gave me any money for the expenses.
Come to find out months later… It had nothing to do with school. She was using it on her face for acne treatment.
Post # 14
She doesn’t drink, so she won’t be hung over.
And she has celitrated her graduation at 4 different events already. The day of her graduation is the day before the rehearsal. It is a Catholic Wedding part of the Mass, so there is more for her to know about when to sit, kneel, stand, ect. Then at other types of weddings.
Post # 15
My Maid/Matron of Honor was unable to attend my rehearsal.
A family friend had gone missing 2 months before- and 3 days before my rehearsal- they had found him deceased. She was- to put it mildly- distraught- and called me in a panic crying.
I had to keep repeating myself that she didn’t have to come to the dinner- or even the wedding- if she didn’t feel up to it. The whole disappearance was traumatic for herself as well as her family and friends.
She didn’t come to the rehearsal- for fear of bursting into tears randomly and I understood.
She was able to come to the wedding- which I was very grateful for. She didn’t know what was going on- and neither did those who actually did a walk thru the night before. I had an amazing officiant who guided everyone with head movements and hand gestures. Sure- I knew that we messed up in a few places- but my guests- not a clue.
Let her celebrate her graduation. There could have been a much more darker reason why she could not attend.