Bridesmaid Not Attending Rehearsal

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 18
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

That sucks patchm. Honestly,  she didn’t sound like that great a friend. She’s down a pattern of being inconsiderate and taking advantage of you. 

Why are you still her friend?  If I had a friend that used me and lied to me,  I’d let that friendship die.  Just because you were friends in the past doesn’t mean you have to be friends in the future.

I’d not be so worried about her not showing up for the rehearsal dinner,  even though,  you’re right,  its not like its a party the night of her graduation, is the next day.  I’ve got my undergrad and grad degrees,  so I’ve been through multiple graduations and I just don’t see that they are that big a deal,  so I’m side-eyeing your friend. 

TBH,  I’d let the rehearsal thing go and start ghosting her after the wedding. She doesn’t sound like a good and supportive friend and you deserve a friend that cares about you.

Post # 19
Member
6580 posts
Bee Keeper

I feel like you’re just finding reasons to be mad at her. If you didn’t want to collect sea water for her, you could have said no. If you didn’t want to rent a camera and take pictures you could have said no. You should grow a backbone if you dont like being walked over, but no one can do that but you. 

A rehearsal is optional. And yes, in a catholic mass there is a bit more to “know”, but if this is so totally new is she actually to memorize it in one day? She is just going to follow along with what everyone else is doing. Its not rocket science, she will be fine, she won’t mess up your wedding. 

Post # 20
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

patchm :  Honestly, graduation is a huge deal.  I remember my graduation night.  It was the last time i saw a bunch of my friends.  The ones I got to see after, it was never the same.   And graduating is a huge achievement.  She should be allowed to have her moment.  Even if that means celebrating multiple times.   Seriously, her life and relationships are about to all change, and she deserves time to savor that last moment.

And with the medical school interview thing?  Some people can only handle so much at once, and chances are if she is applying to medical school, she has a tough degree.  That means limited time.  I can’t count the amount of times I had to bow out of various family events during college because of my course work.  I rarely made it home for thanksgiving or easter!  I had a demanding degree at an expensive demanding school.  She made the choices she needed to make for herself.

And remember you can always say no when someone asks you to do something.  She can only take as much of your time and energy as you are willing to give.  And I’m sure she has been there for you too, you just might not see it.

I’m sure she’ll figure out when to stand or sit and kneel by watching your other bridesmaid.  I never know what the heck is going on in catholic wedding cermonies, so I jsut watch what other people are doing.

Just be happy that you and your friend have so much to celebrate!

Post # 21
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

patchm :  I think you have valid reasons for being upset at your friend, but like others have said, you’re allowing it. You did all that stuff for acne water and still remained friends with her! 

Sometimes you care more about the other person than they do you, and clearly it’s upsetting to you, so why remain friends? After the wedding, maybe just drift away, let the friendship naturally die and find new friends who won’t take advantage of your graciousness.

ETA: Just let the whole rehearsal thing go. It’s not worth creating bad blood before the wedding.

Post # 22
Member
6805 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

patchm :  I think the person you should be angry with is yourself for letting this woman walk all over you and never having the courage to put your foot down. 

Post # 24
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t think the other bees are actually listening to what you’re saying.  This isn’t about her not attending the rehearsal but more about her treating OP as like a personal servant running “important” errands under the guise of friendship only to find out later it was a bs request and yet when OP asks something of her that she views as important, the friend blows it off as not worth her time.  At least that’s how OP perceives it.  One of the other pp’s touched on this but basically, you’re more invested in this friendship than she apparently is bee.  Her antics would make me seriously question whether or not she’s an actual friend.  Stop being so available to this girl and lower your expectations.  These are the type of people I keep at arms length and maybe you should too.

Post # 26
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

patchm :  

 You might be letting yourself look back at things through a negative lense because you are stressed.  I know wedding planning hasn’t always brought out my best side and has made everything seems wayyyy more intense than it is. 

I think you have fallen victim to being a “yes” person.  I’ve been there.  You over exert yourself and don’t set healthy boundaries, then are hurt when people aren’t willing to do the same for you.  But I think you need to have realistic expectations of others and set healthy boundaries for yourself.  I think you are internalizing and making a villian out of a good friend.  if something is inconvenient to you, say no.  If you feel like she tricked you, call her out on it.  If someone asks you to do something when you are too busy say no.  Proctect yourself.  If you constantly put yourself out, people won’t think they are putting you out when they ask you for things.  I know for myself I’ve bent over backwards for people, and they just though “wow Honey is so capable!  She’s got it all figured out!  If I ever need help she’s who I go to!”  meanwhile, I’ve let grade slip or missed a work deadline and am stress eating through panic attacks.  And then when a friend comes to me because they need help, I do it all over again.  Until I had a nervous breakdown and had to re evaluate everything.

Some of her actions suck, honestly, no one is perfect.  We’re all shitty to each other at some point.  Put down the tally, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.  Chances are, that’s what your friend is doing.

Post # 27
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

patchm :  Just reading your last post.  Big hugs bee, I am glad you got counselling.  Uncovering forgotten memories isn’t easy (going through that myself in therapy at the moment).  Do you think you could get in contact iwht your counsellor to talk through it?  I think you are internalizing, and your negative lense is magnifying your feelings.  It’s ok to feel how you feel, just try to figure out if your mad because of what she did, or what happened to you.

Work through these feelings.  Don’t end a friendship until you have figure it out, you may regret it later.  Breathe.  Practice some self care.  Let yourself remember things and have a good cry and feel miserable.  My therapist at least says it helps, especially long term.  

You can get through it, and try to remember the positive when you spiral. 

Post # 28
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper

So she’s graduating the weekend of your wedding? This is probably a pretty big deal to her and it’s reasonable that she wants to take a moment and celebrate this major life event just as you want her to celebrate yours. Rehearsals are optional. So are bridal showers. Unless she skips your wedding you should congratulate her and chill. 

Lying to you to get you to do things for her–that’s a separate issue. Did you call her on it? I would have. And I would have stopped playing servant to her and reevaluated the friendship right then and there. 

Post # 29
Member
13590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sucks that she can’t come, but personally I think the bigger issue is how you let her walk all over you and not prioritize your friendship, ever, yet continue to think of her as a good friend.

Post # 30
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like this isn’t just about the rehearsal and is more about a generally shitty friend. Seems she’s been walking all over you for the majority of your friendship, so it’s not really surprising that she’s still being disrespectful at your wedding. 

Major life events can often cast a new light on relationships and either make or break them. Based on what you’ve posted about your friendship, I would probably start distancing myself from her after the wedding. 

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