(Closed) Bridesmaid not coming to Bachelorette – hurt & need a sanity check

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Your friend is prioritizing her world trip over a bachelorette. Its understandable, I think you just need to get over it. Theres nothing to forgive!

Post # 3
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Yes you are ridiculous for feeling hurt. Being in a wedding is expensive as is, and you really can’t judge her on how she decides to spend her money.

Just because your bachelorette is a priority to you, doesn’t mean it is to her. She is standing up with you on your wedding day; which is what you asked her to do as a bridesmaid – not all the frills that come with it.

Post # 4
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You have a right to your feelings – you are disappointed she won’t be joining. However, (and I’m giving you some tough love here) I think you need to let this one go. She agreed to be your bridesmaid and is (presumably) going to your wedding. That is all you can really expect. For whatever reason, attending your bachelorette party weekend is not something she wants to spend her money on. Just because she has shared with you info about her finances, doesn’t mean you truly know everything that is going on with her. She could have other reasons for not going (she doesn’t care to go to that destination, doesn’t enjoy bach parties or girl trips, etc) that are nothing personal against you. 

Please don’t ruin a friendship over this. If I were you, I wouldn’t discuss this with her. It will just make her feel bad. 

Post # 5
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
kacey1226 :  This sounds like a once in a lifetime trip that she has been planning and SAVING FOR TWO YEARS to go on and it’s perfectly reasonable for her to prioritise it over your bachelorette.  You think your party is the most important but the reality is people are asked to attend a number of bachelorettes over the years and you have to put your own goals above them. 

I wish she would have told me when I asked her to be a bridesmaid

So you would not have made her a Bridesmaid or Best Man if you knew she couldn’t afford an out of town bachelorette?

 

 

Post # 6
Member
7625 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Feelings are feelings and I can understand being disappointed but not being hurt. I didn’t even read the whole post because I quite frankly don’t think it matters how much money she has or how “cheap” the trip is. It’s her money not yours and you don’t have any right to judge how she spends it.

I wouldn’t bring it up again. 

Post # 7
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
kacey1226 :  If it’s that upsetting, maybe have a bachlorette party instead of a bachlorette vacation. These vacations — in addition to the actual wedding and often an out-of-town shower too — have gone beyond ridiculous. She’s fulfilling a life goal/dream. That takes priority over a vacation-slash-party-in-anticipation-of-another-slightly-later-party. As to why she didn’t back out sooner, she probably was really hoping to do both and trying to see if it was possible. Now that it’s down to the wire, she realizes it’s not possible. If people would stop planning these absurd bachlorette weekend blowouts, they would also stop being disappointed when people can’t attend because it conflicts with their real life.

Post # 8
Member
2177 posts
Buzzing bee

I just want to know how SO MANY BRIDES know the personal finances of ALL of their friends/bridesmaids/attendees. I see it all the time on the Bee. Maybe I’m just a super private person but I don’t know what every friend of mine makes, their savings, their total net worth, how much vacation time they have accrued, etc

 

Post # 9
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m going against the grain here because if I were a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my friend’s wedding, and had agreed to all of this, then backed out at the last minute, then continued bragging about excursions? I’d totally expect my friend to call me out. If she were truly dropping out because of money, it’d be one thing. But…come on. I’d be annoyed if I were you too. Everyone will tell you it’s not a big deal because your wedding is only important to you, but my friends made my wedding a priority, just as I would theirs, because we’re friends. If you don’t want to be part of all of that, don’t agree to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, let alone agree to a trip that now others will likely have to account for the cost of.

Post # 10
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

You have a right to your feelings, but I would not take it personally. Sounds like you both have big life events coming up. Allow her to enjoy hers as well.

Post # 11
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’m sorry you are hurt but you need to let this go. Going on that long of a trip is probably stressful financially. She wants to make sure she doesn’t run out! Also, a week in New Zealand is way cooler than a bachelorette in Chicago. I’m sorry, it’s not personal. 

Post # 11
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

How much is the bachelorette?

I sympathise with you. I asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids because I consider them my closest friends and think they feel the same. To expect some effort and commitment to a bachelorette isn’t unreasonable, a good friend should want to support you if she can. I cannot imagine doing anything other than move hell and high water to try to be on a Bach for someone who asked me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

But it does depend on her finances and how much the bachelorette is, because attendance is not always possible.

ultimately it is her life and her money, so I wouldn’t say anything, but I get you feeling a bit hurt.

Post # 12
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d be hurt, too. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid is agreeing and knowing money will be spent on things like the dress and bachelorette party. Sounds like she talks a lot about her future life and is treating your wedding like a birthday party. This is a big, important step in your life and she’s not giving it the respect it deserves. Did she buy a bridesmaid dress yet? Are you sure she will? Maybe she’ll claim she cannot afford it and drop out completely.

First I would stop all money talk. And if you don’t want to talk to her much tell her you’re busy planning your wedding. When she talks about traveling and her life say “cool, that’s good for you, you’ll have fun”- respect goes both ways in friendship, you are not solely her cheerleader.

Post # 13
Member
8381 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ehh I think you need to manage your expectations a bit here.

-Just because you give someone notice doesn’t mean they are required to do anything

-Just because she has $1M saved for the rest of her life doesnt mean she needs to spend $0.01 on you. You said it yourself, you aren’t her banker, you don’t get to spend her money.

-You picked a TRIP for a bachelorette. Change it to a dinner, and I bet she’d be there. But no, you/MOH wanted something more extravagent, and can’t get mad when that doesnt fit with someone elses budget.

-Being a bridesmaid doesnt depend on paying $1000 to attend a bachelorette

Post # 14
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You’re not ridiculous for feeling hurt – I’d be a bit hurt too esp since she waited so long to tell you. But ultimately it’s not the end of the world. As long as she shows up to your wedding and is there for you on the actual day, that’s the main thing. The bachelorette will still be awesome, and by the time your wedding rolls around and you’re surrounded by all the people you love most in the world, you will have long forgotten this sting!

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