- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
Looking for a sanity check here!
One of my bridesmaids is not coming to my bachelorette. She sent me a text (ugh) telling me that she can’t handle the cost of the bachelorette along with some other things she has going on. I didn’t really know how to react (I’ll explain why below), so I just said that sucks and I’m disappointed she won’t be there.
A few things…
She has been saving for the past 2 years to quit her job at the end of this year and take a year traveling the world. We’ve been close for a long time, and have very similar interests, motivations, life goals, have taken many trips together, etc. so we have talked openly about money, what we make, save, etc. to fund our plans for life! So I know she has plenty of money saved, but understand it’s not my place to tell somebody what is/isn’t possible -I’m not their banker and am not trying to be!
BUT – where I’m really struggling is this:
My Maid/Matron of Honor has been planning the trip for a long time. Maid/Matron of Honor threw out lots of options to the girls and picked the lowest cost trip for all.
- Bridesmaid knew there would be a trip involved for months before she dropped out. I wish she would have said something way earlier
- It is still a trip to Chicago, so flights & hotel is involved, but I have a frugal Maid/Matron of Honor who I know is doing it on a budget.
- All of us are older-20s + 30s, gainfully employed — I wanted to make sure I didn’t get invested in a bachelorette trip that was going to put anybody in an uncomfortable spot financially, but still understand none of us are millionaires – again, who am I to talk about somebody else’s finances?
In the meantime, this bridesmaid who dropped out of the trip has gone on and on about other money things….
- She moved apartments and was so excited that she got her $400 deposit back – YAY! This news came a few days before she told me she couldn’t come to the bachelorette because of money
- She’s texted several times about excursions she’s added to her upcoming trip, like a helicopter pub crawl in Australia that cost $750 a person (!!), and adding a week in New Zealand to her itinerary
- I actually had a yard sale & she dropped off some clothes, which I sold for her & made her over $200
- She has no conflicts that weekend, and is only not going because of the cost
I’m trying to be reasonable but I feel very hurt. If this upcoming world trip was so important to her that it was going to be #1 priority, no matter what, and she couldn’t make an effort to come for my bachelorette, I wish she would have told me when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I don’t think she realizes how ridiculous it sounds to go on and on about all these other expenses when she has told me she can’t come to a relatively low cost bachelorette (compared to the other options & the initial inputs of the group). I may not be overflowing wish cash, but I’m always excited to make an investment in bachelorette parties, showers, whatever for my close friends getting married. Also, she is not married, so she has not had any events.
Now she’s sensing that something’s off. I have not ignored her, but have just been less connected and am having a hard time going about ‘friends as usual’ when I feel the way I do.
First, am I being ridiculous for feeling hurt?
Second, what can I even say? I’m not going to force her to come – boy, would that attendance feel disingenuous – but I feel like I need to let her know how I feel.