(Closed) Bridesmaid not coming to Bachelorette – hurt & need a sanity check

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 106
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Helicopter pub crawl in Australia > Bachelorette Party!!!! (That sounds amazing, I don’t think I’d be offended if a friend prioritized that over my bachelorette party). 

In all seriousness though, I think you might be getting dragged a bit more heavily than usual as this has been a common theme on the Bee lately with a lot of out-of-preportion bridezilla reactions. You have every right to your feelings of being sad that she can’t make it, but as you’ve recognized you have no say in the way she spends her money. I’d recommend that you stop focusing on how she’s spending her saved/earned money – you may feel that you know her finances intimately but I guarantee that you don’t know everything or how she feels about her money.  (For example, I make a great income and life comfortably but if I’m about to drop a lot of cash on something I freak out and feel total guilt over any minor expense, due to my upbringing). 

Post # 107
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee

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thunderboltsandlightening : So basically you wouldn’t feel bad because it’s their decision but you’re also forcing their hand because if they don’t do it you’d consider them a “sucky friend” because it’s “seriously sad” that they wouldn’t? So either do it and suffer hardship or don’t do it, and be a bad friend. What a lose/lose situation.

My friends and I would jump on a plane to travel halfway across the world on a few hours notice if one of us needed it but if it came down to choosing to pay for that flight or pay rent, we’re good enough friends (and decent enough people) to understand.
We do enough for each other to know that if on a rare occasion they say no, they must have a pretty good reason.

Post # 108
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Why the hell are bachelorette parties now destination trips? You get one night to have fun with your friends, get a bit silly and feel like the bride to be.

WHY are people now pressuring their friends to go on weird trips with them?? Take your husband to Chicago if you want a holiday so much

Post # 109
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

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sunnyland :  you’re not picking up what I’m putting down… I’ve already said several times that it’s the EFFORT that counts. I never once said I was forcing their hand. All I can go off is my own experience and as far as I know, none of my friends were ever to the point of financial instability that they couldn’t attend a bachelorette weekend. If they were at that point, I don’t know it because we don’t discuss finances. So if they sacrificed going into debt over a bachelorette party/weekend, that was their choice and no one made them do it. If they were that concerned, they could have said so in the very beginning instead of backing out after they made a commitment. 

Post # 110
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

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TeresaBenedicta :  I’m not saying every bride has to have ALL of those parties, I was just listing off parties that I think are important for friends to attend, that’s all. 

Post # 111
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

I stopped reading after you started trying to count your friend’s cents in order to validate your feelings of disappointment. I don’t know what anyone else has said but you are the worst kind of entitled: the one that instead of admitting it, tries to rationalize it.  

Post # 112
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee

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thunderboltsandlightening : …and you’re not drinking what I’m pouring.

You kind of are forcing their hand if you automatically assume that not attending would make them a sucky friend. They’re doomed if they do, they’re doomed if they don’t.

“It makes me seriously sad to see so many of you commenting that your friends wouldn’t be willing to attend some of the pre-wedding events.”

It’s not that they aren’t “willing”, sometimes it’s just that they simply can’t.

“These events celebrate the bride! It just makes me sad to see so many of you have such sucky (for lack of a better word) friends. My friends and I would be willing to move mountains to be able to make it to such events, and we have.”

Again, sometimes they can’t even if they wanted to and that does NOT make them a sucky person.

I’m happy for your friends that “they were never to the point of financial instability that they couldn’t attend a bachelorette weekend” (even though you’ve said multiple times, you don’t actually know that), I truly am. But that is exactly my point. Just because that is how it is in your circle and everyone is fortunate enough to be able to afford it every time, it doesn’t mean everyone on the planet has the money to splurge on that stuff.
You pretty much said anyone who can’t attend is a crappy friend which is really unfair.

You talk about effort but you never clarify just how much effort is enough in your books.
If I invited someone to my bachelorette party and she said, “I’m sorry, I can’t make it”, I wouldn’t automatically think, “She didn’t even make an effort, what a sucky friend”. I would simply assume she had a good reason to decline. Sure, I would have preferred her to be there but I certainly wouldn’t judge her on it. Who the f*ck am I to determine what her priorities should be?

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