(Closed) bridesmaid not getting ready with us at all?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

lpk2016 :  This exact thing happened to me. My bridesmaid was a pill through the whole process, but the thing that finally set me off was when I tried to confirm that she still wanted to use my MUA and she said no, that she’d be getting ready alone at the hotel. I very polietly expressed that I was really looking forward to the ladies getting ready together at the house I’d rented (which I had stated for months prior) and she still brushed me off. I made it clear she didn’t have to use the MUA at all- just bring her stuff over and get ready… or even get ready alone but come an hour before we leave so we could get pictures together. It got pretty bad as she basically implied she didn’t give a shit what I wanted, she kept saying things like “I was only going to use your MUA to be involved and supportive but it’s easier to just get ready on my own so that’s what I’m doing.”

We ended up having a long drawn out discussion and she did come get ready with us. But… that all happened a couple weeks before the wedding, so there was time to get over it. I think in your case since it’s so close I’d just say “The photographer will be here at 11:30 so I’d like you there at that time. If you’re not there at that time you can meet us at the venue but you will not be in any bridesmaids’ pictures, which is a bummer.” Then just let her do what she’s going to do. Focus on the people who are being supportive and not on her. It sucks, but honestly you’re going to be surrounded by so much love you can easily forget her nonsense if you let yourself. It’s going to be a great day. 

Post # 4
Member
3450 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

lpk2016 :  Let it go. I say this bc I think doing so will decrease the stress and frustration this situation will bring if you keep thinking about it. Personally, I prefer getting ready on my own even if its among friends so I understand that. But I would have shown up ready at the time requested rather than make a fuss. If you’re having photos at 1 and she says she’ll be there before 1 then there doesn’t really seem to be an issue except you want her there for all the girly bonding crap that I personally am not that fond of unless everyone involved is like family so can also understand skipping it. It might be better for her to simply show up for photos and the ceremony with a smile vs. possibly coming earlier when she clearly doesn’t want to with an attitude. At this point it seems like she’s fulfilling her obligations. 

Post # 5
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I totally get being upset about this, but before you question your friendship, maybe there is a legitimate reason? That is a long time to be in “wedding and party” mode. Is she feeling a bit sick and therefore need the extra quiet time? Maybe it’s not a physical illness but depression or being overwhelmed with other things in life that would mean that long would be tough to handle. Does she have a child that being away from for that long would be tough? Maybe she hasn’t been able to see her husband all week and that morning is the only time? 

It could be none of those things, but if she is that good of a friend, I would give her the benefit of a doubt before you write off the friendship. But I would also be a bit upset too if I were in your situation. I would just try to understand that she may have reasons and not let it ruin the day or our friendship. 

Post # 6
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Just because she won’t be there till 1 doesn’t mean she’s not a good friend. It’s not like she’s canceling on you. She will still be there for pictures and the entire wedding. I just don’t see how it’s such a big deal that she miss getting ready. Cutting her out of the wedding party would be petty, overdramatic, and a completely bridezilla move.

My bridesmaids all showed up when they felt like it to get ready. It wasn’t a big deal. I had a blast with everyone who was there and it didn’t really matter that some of them couldn’t get there till later. They were there for everything that is important.

Post # 7
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

lpk2016 :  I’d personally say it’s too late to can her. I assume she’s bought a dress and all. And if there is ANY hope of a friendship after this, you can’t fire her. I think you’re in a very emotional place right now and that makes it not a good time to be making friendship-altering decisions. 

My bridesmaid was fine the day of. She came, we were both busy getting ready. Things are chaotic in the morning, so it’s not like there was time for things to be horribly awkward anyway. But she smiled and got ready with us and it was fine. 

I’ll be honest- things are different between us now. We are not nearly as close as we once were, but the issues were WAY beyond just the getting ready thing. That was just the final straw that made me demand we hash it out. She was HORRIBLY critical of every aspect of my wedding the whole planning period and seemed to actively find exactly the worst thing to say (Like when she was being particularly horrible and it caused me to say I would be happy when the wedding was over because I hated all this time leading up to it (only true when I was talking to her really), she responded saying I was only at the beginning of my “wedding season” and it would get much more intense from this point on). 

Again– you are so close to your wedding day I don’t think now is a good time to really resolve all this. Just make sure she knows you would really enjoy having her there early and then let her do whatever she’s going to do and don’t focus on it. Start taking pictures without her if she isn’t there. Just accept that you can’t depend on her that day and focus on the people you can count on. Really, you can choose to focus on the good things because there will be LOTS of them. Don’t let one friend being pissy ruin it. It’s your choice. 

Post # 8
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

One of my bridesmaids did something similar. I offered to pay for hair and makeup for all the bridesmaids and everyone took me up on it except my cousin (who I’m not close with and was in the bridal party because she’s family, but we aren’t close). She asked if she could do her own hair and makeup and show up a little later. I didn’t care because she was still going to be there for the pictures and I knew she would look lovely no matter who did her hair/makeup.

It sounds like you need to talk to your friend. Don’t come to her upset, but make sure you maintain an open and friendly line of conversation with her. Why is she coming before 1? Does she know your photographer is taking pictures at 11:30? Does she know how important it is to you to have all your bridesmaids in your pictures? Before you start writing off the friendship, have that conversation. It’s okay to tell her you will be hurt if she chooses to skip the pictures just because, but if she has a pressing issue that is keeping her from being on time, you need to be prepared to be understanding.

Post # 10
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

lpk2016 :  no, it’s not that important. I’m assuming she knows how to walk in a straight line. Just review the important points (when to enter, where to stand, etc) and you should be fine. 

Post # 11
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

lpk2016 :  Unless you have a really bizzare ceremony site, not really. Adults can figure out how to walk in a straight line.

Post # 12
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

I’ll take the alternative angle – you’re going to have a ton of photos with her. She’s meeting you at 1 for photos and then there’s the ceremony and reception. I know the days before a wedding are stressful, but I’d let this one go and not worry about it.

Post # 13
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

lpk2016 :  I think you can let her know that you would really like her to be there with you , why can’t she be there until 1? She is being crummy but I think you have enough to think about you can’t really push this one. I’d be disappointed too.

When me and my girls were getting our hair done my stepsister Bridesmaid or Best Man was finished first. She muttered something to me about needing to go buy a lipstick and she took off, left the salon. We all finished getting ready and she still wasn’t back yet. We had to GO. I was calling and texting her saying ‘are you coming back???’ and she finally came back waaay late with no explanation. We were standing around in the parking lot waiting for her. I have no idea what she was thinking and I didn’t have any time to ask or make an issue. I just let it go.

My other Bridesmaid or Best Man (BFF of 20 years) was also a huge let down. She was late to the rehearsal because her daughter ‘wouldn’t get up from her nap’ and she left early to go to a baby shower. She also left our wedding early and in a whole year of planning said that she might not even be coming at all because she couldn’t find a babysitter. You didn’t line up a babysitter when you had a year’s notice of a wedding that you were a Bridesmaid or Best Man in? Friendship fail.

This does suck and I think you have every right to be disappionted. But you are going to have to just carry on, for goodness sakes your wedding is in 2 days. Give her the plan, and then focus on yoru other things. Hopefully she shows up for you, but it sounds like she may not. Make your peace with it now so it doesn’t ruin your day. People suck what can you do? Go have the time of your life because you it is your weddng, the rest (honestly!) is just details. F your high maintenance friend. Don’t waste another minute of energy trying to reign her in.

And btw – yes most adults can walk in a straight line. The rehersal is important because it’s nice to have people show up for you, it shows they care. Period.

Post # 14
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

It sounds to me like there might be something else going on with her. Maybe she’s having money problems and is embarrassed that she can’t afford some of the wedding related things so it’s easier for her to get defensive and just skip out. Not that that is the right way to handle it, but just a different perspective.

Also, maybe she’s an introvert. If so, it’s incredibly exhausting to be social and talkative all day with people if you’re not 100% comfortable with everyone there.

It’d be worth asking her about it in a nice way. Perhaps she is just being a shitty friend, but maybe not (or at least not trying to be). I get why you’re bummed, but if this is out of character for her, there is probably something else going on.

Post # 15
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

lpk2016 :  I’m sorry bee, that’s such a bummer. Got no advice for you, just wanted to say I think you have every right to feel disappointed. 

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