Post # 1
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been is this situation, so hopefully someone has some insight. I’ve been trying to decide on my bridal party. The trouble I’m having is with one friend who…is hardly a friend anymore. We were pretty much best friends for a long time, but I’m realizing more recently that our friendship was mostly based on hanging out and partying when we were younger. We definitely enjoyed each other’s company but that’s what it was for the most part. Which is why, in recent years, since we’ve gotten older and I’ve settled down for the most part (she hasn’t really), we have drifted apart…a lot. We do still have the same group of friends and see each other a lot (including working together!) but it’s just different, and to be completely honest she usually annoys me in one way or another.
But since we were so close for so long and still are in each other’s lives, I think it is assumed that she will be a bridesmaid. Another thing is that we have been in multiple weddings together in the past. She is not the best bridesmaid. She is a pretty selfish person in general, so anything that is asked of her that she doesn’t “feel” like doing is a huge burden and she will complain about it (behind the bride’s back). I just don’t think she enjoys being a bridesmaid, which I get, it’s a lot of work and money.
The bottom line is, I feel obligated to have her in my wedding because I think deliberately not asking her will cause an issue and it will basically be the nail in the coffin of our friendship. But I don’t really WANT her in my wedding. HELP!
Post # 2
ericav : Don’t do it! If you are having reservations with the “thought” of her being in your wedding, chances are you are saving yourself from a lot of drama.
Editing: Your wedding is about celebrating with the people who you genuinely care about and vice versa. If the friendship has faded, leave it where it is. Include the close women in your life.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t have her as a bridesmaid. When I selected my bridesmaids, I chose women who I am currently close with and who are excited about the responsibilities of being a bridesmaid.
There’s women who I used to be close with but we have drifted apart and I didn’t ask because 1) I would feel weird having somebody stand up for me at my wedding who I am not super close with and 2) I want to limit any drama.
And with a large wedding party (mine is 7 ladies) there will be logistical issues that cause stress during planning even if we love each other and everything else is great.
Why give myself (extra) stress as a bride? I try to only surround myself with positivity.
Post # 4
ericav : Asking someone to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man out of obligation or whatever you want to call it is never a good idea. It never ends well. Don’t do it.
Post # 5
Thanks bees! You’re all probably right. I can also tell that she really doesn’t even care about the fact that I’m getting married. Despite seeing each other every day at work, she never asks anything about the planning process, never shows any interest whatsoever. Even when I first got engaged, when I came into work after, everyone was all “Show me the ring!” and when I went to show her because she was sitting right there, she says “yeah, I saw” (on facebook). Just shut me right down! Lol Yikes.
Post # 6
Ya don’t even like the girl. So, no.
Post # 7
If you don’t really want to be friends anymore, then it will be the nail in the coffin 🙂
Post # 8
ericav : I actually had a similar situation. I have a friend who was my best friend until high school, but we drifted apart a ton lately. I wound up not asking her to be a bridesmaid but invited her to the bachelorette. I think this arrangement was best for both of us 🙂 Because she certainly is fun and it was a blasy partying with her, but I don’t feel close enough to her anymore to have her helping with intimate details of the wedding.
Post # 9
When first reading I was about to vote that you just have her as a bm, maybe think of her as a “legacy bridesmaid” instead of “obligation bridesmaid”. BUT then I read that she isn’t interested in weddings, both in general and yours specifically, and she hates being a bm! So definitely don’t have her as one. You are doing both of you a favour. If she asks you, you can say honestly “oh I didn’t think you would want to be, you didn’t seem to enjoy it all those other times, now you can enjoy yourself as a guest”.
Post # 10
WeddingBee is full of threads by brides who asked the old-friend-they’d-drifted-apart-from to be a bridesmaid, and regretted it.
Post # 11
There’s no obligation! Either you want her or you don’t. And it sounds like you don’t.
Post # 12
Please no. Do not let her ruin this time for you! There is no obligation, and from what it seems the friendship is already done. If you cannot see yourself going out to lunch, a double date, or someone who will be missed from your side then she should not even be considered.