Post # 1
Member
29 posts
Newbee
So one of my bridesmaids had started using cocaine. She supposedly quit in february, but she has given up custody of her child, and is still acting extremely strange. Then I find out she has essentially scammed the medical field to get prescriptions and is on like 4 different pills. She works in the medical profession and is apparently using a friend in the field to give her the prescriptions. She is quoted saying they do for her what street drugs do. In the meantime she will admit she is doing these pills but swears she needs them. I do not like the way she acts while on these drugs regardless if she needs them or not. She is not the same person I have been friends with for years, and I disagree with essentially everything she is doing in her life. Her daughter is extremely important to me , i care about her alot and it kills me to see what her mom is doing to her. I am friends with this bridesmaids parents who have taken custody of her daughter, and they were all going to be invited to my wedding. Now I dont want her to be a bridesmaid anymore and I’m not even sure if I want her to come to the wedding. She is all drama and unpredictable now. I do not want to completely throw our friendship out the window though. I have told her that I am here for her and I want to help her get through this, but she acts like everything is under control already. I have faith that things can change but in the meantime what do I do?
Post # 3
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
Perhaps you can have an honest conversation with her. maybe offer her a different special part of your wedding but one that won’t hurt your plans too much if she can’t attend.
Post # 4
Member
29 posts
Newbee
I’m debating actually about telling her she is not a bridesmaid and if by the time I’m sending invites out in august, if nothing has changed I may not invite her at all. her behavior is absolutely crazy. She yells out as if she is a child having temper tantrums, is not friendly with anyone (and there would be noone else at the wedding that she knows), and it all happens unpredictably. I definately wouldnt give her any part in the wedding. This saddens me so much because it all happened so fast and I really hope things go back to normal. I miss her. I just dont want her to feel that I have given up on her, or that I dont love her anymore. Thats not the case but frankly I dont like the way she is acting while on these drugs. Its forcing me to not be her friend.
Post # 5
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
This is one of the few times I’d advocate for forcing a maid to step down. Honestly, I’m pretty vicious about that because for me, associating with someone who does that would put my career and my husband’s career in jeopardy. I’d tell her that she is not welcome in the bridal party or even at the wedding unless she gets 100% clean. Period. I’d say it nicely, obviously, and tell her that I’m willing to do what I can as a friend to help her get and stay clean. But I’d make it clear that I do not approve of her current behavior, that I think she needs to quit, and that I will not be a party to her bad lifestyle choices.
Post # 6
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
Addicts who are insulated from the consequences of their choices by those around them have much less reason to get clean. If her behaviour on drugs makes her unfit to stand with you as a bridesmaid, you should ask her to step down.
Post # 7
Member
23 posts
Newbee
Agreed, Geekspice. You will do her no favors by avoiding the issue. You may actually help her reach her bottom by asking her to step down, and being very honest about why.
Post # 8
Member
29 posts
Newbee
Thank you guys for your responses. I really needed to know I was not being a horrible friend or person. I know she started using after a fit of depression, and well the drugs have made her lose many important people. I guess I just worry that if things keep getting bad and she gets more depressed, she will just rely on drugs more or something. But your probably right that I definately should not shield her from her consequences, which happens to be not being able to attend a good friends wedding. 🙁
Post # 9
Member
1748 posts
Bumble bee
I know this person is your friend, regardless of her behavior, but not only would I tell her that I’d like her to step down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I’d also stay away from her. She’s doing a lot of illegal stuff and I wouldn’t want to be around that.
Sorry, girl. Good luck.
Post # 10
Member
4436 posts
Honey bee
I lost a bunch of friends to coke- some died, others just went way downhill. Drugs totally changed them- permanently. It was really sad to see happen, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I hope your friend will turn things around and get out of the drug scene, but you also have to think about yourself and the negative effect her drug use can have on you. Sorry you have to go through this:(
Post # 11
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
@smetivier26: I don’t think this is about her being a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not a Bridesmaid or Best Man. She needs some serious help.
I think you need to focus more of figuring out ways to get her into a program and less about how to kick her out of your wedding.
Post # 12
Member
29 posts
Newbee
@MangoSong: Myself, some of her other friends, and her parents have all tried this. Like I said though, she has stopped illegal drugs, and technically she is legally doing these pills because her friend that is a psychiatrist has prescribed them to her. Trust me my biggest concern is not my wedding, it is her getting her life back. This is a wedding site though and I was trying to gauge others opinions if it was a bad idea or rude of me to tell her shes not a bridesmaid and possibly not invited to the wedding until she is clean. So far everyone has said that is what I should do, and that in fact it may help her hit her bottom faster therefore give her a reason to get clean quicker. If my only concern was my wedding I wouldnt even think twice about it, I don’t like her right now and I know she would embarass me, stress me out, and probably piss other people off. But because I am so worried about her and what might happen when I tell her, I was considering having her come anyway. I am talking with several people elsewhere, where it is appropriate, about ways to get her help, and I talk with her all the time about what she is doing and how she needs help but that is useless because she swears nothing is wrong. Sorry if this comment is long winded but honestly I was hurt by your comment, which felt as though you were saying I am just a selfish bridezilla that doesn’t care about whats going on in anyone elses lives. Just so happens these 2 events collide at one point and I need to make a decision and didnt think anyone would be so rude about me asking for opinions. Lesson learned.
Post # 13
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
I would look into getting her help. But if you can’t, or she resists, and you just don’t have the energy for it anymore, that doesn’t make you a bad person.
Regardless, if she continues to use these drugs, you have to cut her out of your life. It’s only going to bring you down.
(I know from experience, and other people who know from experience).
Post # 14
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
@smetivier26: That’s how your question came off to me as, and I responded.
Member