(Closed) bridesmaid problem

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Asking her to step down will most probably be a friendship ending move. In my opinion you are being completely insensitive about your BM’s situation. Sorry but to me family member dying trumps wedding. I also find it a big stretch to say she is causing you no end of grief for the few simple things she has been unable to find time for. If the dress is bought and paid for and all she needs to do is have alterations then drop the dress off to her and give her the dressmakers details and let her get the alterations done. If you have picked the shoes then just ask for her size and buy them for her and drop them off.

As for the rehearsal- i am not sure why she would need to help you decide this. You and your Fiance decide when it is and just let her know. If she can make it great but if she cant due to the family member then I am sure that will be fine as well. One of the other BM’s can run her through the setup whilst you are all getting ready!

I think you are making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. She also is probably extremely stressed right now and adding this to her worries is not really what a friend would do.

If she wants to step down she will tell you!

Post # 4
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This is a terrible situation, for both of you. It sounds to me like she has already sort of told you she is stepping down. She has admitted she probably won’t even be at the wedding, that pretty much gives you the answer.

You can ask her to step down in a different way. Call her to see how she is doing and kindly mention that you feel it’s best that she focuses on her family right now and not the wedding. I’m sure she will agree.

Post # 5
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is what I would do (and since I don’t know you or your friend, it might not work for you, so take it with a grain of salt)

I’d tell her not to worry about anything but showing up the day of in the dress already chosen.  Leave her in the wedding program, let her off the hook for pre-wedding events, rehearsals (I mean really, all she has to do is WALK… I’m pretty sure someone can point her in the right direction.) 

If she can’t make it to the wedding, that is ok.  She would still be listed in the program, but I’m guessing people would be pretty understanding of the whole “family emergency” situation.

Your friend is going through something right now, and if you want to keep her as a friend, I’d focus on being a good friend to her, all wedding stuff aside.

Post # 6
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@beabride12:  I think you should call her and make a time for your to get together as friends. During that time, express to her your concerns and that, as much as you’d like her to be in the wedding, you want her to feel free to do what she needs to do and not obligated to be in the wedding if it will lift a weight off her shoulders. Let her be the one to say she can’t do it, but open the door for her to say so should that be the case. She might turn around and realize how much she’s retracted, or she might get defensive and say she is done with the wedding planning, or she might see your point and respectfully step down. Either way, yuo will have your answer early. I think she didn’t say she couldn’t be in the wedding because she didn’t want to disappoint you, or cause trouble too early, or whatever, but I think you need to trust your gut here that in fact that is exactly what is likey to happen. Get to the bottom of it, gently.

Post # 8
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@j_jaye:  I agree with everything you said here.


Let her know what she needs to know. Let her take care of herself.  If she doesn’t get it done, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

And I also think you should imagine how this would sound.  “She kicked me out of the wedding because her wedding was more important than my family member’s terminal illness.”  It’s pretty much how it sounds.  No matter what else you think is going on, it’s all a lot of people will take away from it. It’s what I took away from your post.

Post # 9
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly! I would sit her down and talk to her. Explain that you understand what she is going through. Then ask her ” do you feel you can also be in my wedding and able to enjoy the day with the rest of us?”

 As you stated there is more to the story, but this way you are giving her an out if she needs it.

Post # 10
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

This is an unfortunate situation for both parties. I think it’s best to have a conversation with her letting her know you sympathize with her situation completely and think it would probably be a lot easier for her to not have the stress of your wedding and the responsibilities that come with it on her plate. Tell her you totally understand her situation and you’re there for her if she needs you but it would probably be in th best interest of the both of you if she stepped down.

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