Post # 1
Can anyone help me with some advice. I chose 4 bridesmaids who are all friends of mine rather than family. Three are fine and cause no problems at all. They are happy to wear whatever colour and style dress I say and have their hair however I want it. If I asked them to wear a sack and dye their hair green they would do it with a smile!
The other bridesmaid has caused me and the other bridesmaids no end of grief and I know now that this is due to some serious problems in her family. She has finally admitted this is due to the fact that she found out a member of her family is dying. I am horrified that she has been going through this and I totally understand that she is struggling to be involved but (I know this sounds very selfish) we are trying to move on with the day. She has said she can’t guarrentee being there for any appointments although she hasn’t gone as far to say she doesn’t think she will be there for the wedding. I certainly can’t expect her to put her family aside and be devoted to taking part in the wedding. At the moment she hasn’t been able to go and get shoes, she has declined to come and view the dress which was bought 4 months ago, she won’t tell me a date she is free to see the dressmaker, she won’t help me to set a date for the wedding rehearsal and family and friends who are part of the wedding ceremony keep asking me when it is going to be. I am worried about finances too and I can’t pay for flowers shoes etc for a bridesmaid who might not be able to be there on the day.
I have tried so hard not to be a bridezilla and for most of this wedding organisation I have deferred to the bridesmaid wishes not wanted them to be uncomfortable in dresses, shoes, hair and makeup. However I can’t bear it for this bridesmaid to turn up on the day and also not having been part of the dress alterations, makeup and hair trials etc and have everything go wrong on the day.
I am thinking of suggesting she step down but I know this is hard to do. I think she is finding it very difficult to take part at the moment and the easiest thing for everyone is the pressure being taken off her. I have two grown up bridesmaids and two younger flower girls and a pageboy so I feel that there are plenty of attendants. How does someone resolve this?
Post # 3
Asking her to step down will most probably be a friendship ending move. In my opinion you are being completely insensitive about your BM’s situation. Sorry but to me family member dying trumps wedding. I also find it a big stretch to say she is causing you no end of grief for the few simple things she has been unable to find time for. If the dress is bought and paid for and all she needs to do is have alterations then drop the dress off to her and give her the dressmakers details and let her get the alterations done. If you have picked the shoes then just ask for her size and buy them for her and drop them off.
As for the rehearsal- i am not sure why she would need to help you decide this. You and your Fiance decide when it is and just let her know. If she can make it great but if she cant due to the family member then I am sure that will be fine as well. One of the other BM’s can run her through the setup whilst you are all getting ready!
I think you are making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. She also is probably extremely stressed right now and adding this to her worries is not really what a friend would do.
If she wants to step down she will tell you!
Post # 4
This is a terrible situation, for both of you. It sounds to me like she has already sort of told you she is stepping down. She has admitted she probably won’t even be at the wedding, that pretty much gives you the answer.
You can ask her to step down in a different way. Call her to see how she is doing and kindly mention that you feel it’s best that she focuses on her family right now and not the wedding. I’m sure she will agree.
Post # 5
This is what I would do (and since I don’t know you or your friend, it might not work for you, so take it with a grain of salt)
I’d tell her not to worry about anything but showing up the day of in the dress already chosen. Leave her in the wedding program, let her off the hook for pre-wedding events, rehearsals (I mean really, all she has to do is WALK… I’m pretty sure someone can point her in the right direction.)
If she can’t make it to the wedding, that is ok. She would still be listed in the program, but I’m guessing people would be pretty understanding of the whole “family emergency” situation.
Your friend is going through something right now, and if you want to keep her as a friend, I’d focus on being a good friend to her, all wedding stuff aside.
Post # 6
@beabride12: I think you should call her and make a time for your to get together as friends. During that time, express to her your concerns and that, as much as you’d like her to be in the wedding, you want her to feel free to do what she needs to do and not obligated to be in the wedding if it will lift a weight off her shoulders. Let her be the one to say she can’t do it, but open the door for her to say so should that be the case. She might turn around and realize how much she’s retracted, or she might get defensive and say she is done with the wedding planning, or she might see your point and respectfully step down. Either way, yuo will have your answer early. I think she didn’t say she couldn’t be in the wedding because she didn’t want to disappoint you, or cause trouble too early, or whatever, but I think you need to trust your gut here that in fact that is exactly what is likey to happen. Get to the bottom of it, gently.
Post # 7
To J_Jaye – Thank you for your comments. I wouldn’t normally reply but I just wanted to say that you have got the situation wrong. This of course isn’t your fault. It is due to the fact that I gave a VERY brief overview of the situation with the emphasis on the wedding factors – after all this is a wedding forum.
I could have written for ages about the things that this bridesmaid has put me and the other bridesmaids through – believe me it is by no stretch of the imagination that she has caused grief BEFORE her personal problems happened. To give that amount of detail though I might as well have just announced who she is and where she lives!
I know that my post read as very ‘bridezilla’ – I should mention a ‘bridezilla’ would have shown her the door ages ago when other bridesmaids were reduced to tears over her behaviour and she stopped speaking to them completely – If we ignore the fact for the moment that like any bride I want my day to be wonderful, my concern IS for my friend despite the tantrums and negativity that have been had. I don’t hold any grudge against her for anything as I don’t think there is a bride anywhere in the world that hasn’t encountered a difficult bridesmaid. My focus right now is ensuring that she is able to concentrate on what she is going through at a really difficult time and I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle a wedding and a bereavement at the same time.
I was in a position where I didn’t know what to do for her. And yes, I admit like all brides I am feeling the pressure of organising the big day and at the risk of sounding insensitive – my wedding day will go ahead despite all of this, so for some part I do have to concentrate on things in my life. Do I back off and give her space, let her go in the hope that that she is then free from the possible stress I was putting her under, carry on as normal and hope she doesn’t buckle under the pressure?
And to just finish off, let’s go for a ‘bridezilla’ moment!!! After all, I am asking her to be a bridesmaid and a bridesmaid’s responsibilities are to help support the bride before the wedding…let her sort out the dress, shoes and be directed where to be on the day, or perhaps not show up? There is a name for someone who does that…A wedding GUEST!!!!
Thank you to Lyndzo and Cornflakegirl for not judging and actually letting me know what I could do in this situation. I do appreciate it x
Post # 8
@j_jaye: I agree with everything you said here.
Let her know what she needs to know. Let her take care of herself. If she doesn’t get it done, she has taken herself out of the wedding.
And I also think you should imagine how this would sound. “She kicked me out of the wedding because her wedding was more important than my family member’s terminal illness.” It’s pretty much how it sounds. No matter what else you think is going on, it’s all a lot of people will take away from it. It’s what I took away from your post.
Post # 9
Honestly! I would sit her down and talk to her. Explain that you understand what she is going through. Then ask her ” do you feel you can also be in my wedding and able to enjoy the day with the rest of us?”
As you stated there is more to the story, but this way you are giving her an out if she needs it.
Post # 10
This is an unfortunate situation for both parties. I think it’s best to have a conversation with her letting her know you sympathize with her situation completely and think it would probably be a lot easier for her to not have the stress of your wedding and the responsibilities that come with it on her plate. Tell her you totally understand her situation and you’re there for her if she needs you but it would probably be in th best interest of the both of you if she stepped down.