Post # 1
OK, I do not have a ring yet, it is for sure coming, so like any other girl I am already imagining my wedding. My Boyfriend or Best Friend says he plans on having 3 -4 groomsmen but right now I only have 2 that I KNOW I will ask (my sis and his sis). Boyfriend or Best Friend and I don’t have many friends, we had to distance ourselves from old friends for legal reasons not to mention they weren’t too great of influences. I have about 2 girlfriends, GF#1 I would go to in a second if something were wrong (will most likely ask her to be a BM) but the other, Girlfriend #2, is really just someone I hang out with occassionally, can’t really trust, is sort of a drama queen and someone who I can’t see being in my life 10 years down the line.
Reason I am posting on this board; GF#2 has recently cheated on her Boyfriend or Best Friend of 6 years, a guy that is also a good friend of mine as well as a future groomsman for my Boyfriend or Best Friend. This has added even more to the distrust. GF#2 is really close with GF#1 so it’ll be hard to ask GF#1 and not GF#2 to be in the wedding. How can I make a commitment before God to be with the man of my dreams forever and have her stand up there with me? I despise cheating in relationships, whether married or not, it is a sin. I figured I’d post this here because I’d get more opinions from people who maybe feel the same way I do.
But I have to ask, am I unfairly judging her?
Any advice would be amazing, thanks!
Post # 3
Would he feel he were leaving someone out if you asked him to keep it to two guys? Then you could just have the two sisters and avoid the whole row..
Post # 4
I would say just have unmatched sides. There is no reason for you to add someone you’re uncomfortable with or for him to cut someone who is important to him just for the sake of matching sides. I say you should each just choose the people you want and not worry about how many of them there are.
Post # 5
I definitely understand why you wouldn’t want her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. The best reason being that you’re not really great friends with her. So I don’t think you should feel pressured into making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man just because she is friends with GF#1 or to have more people in the wedding party.
But to answer your other question- I do think you are unfairly judging her. Let God be her judge. You can still be her friend.
Post # 6
From a Christian perspective, possibly. The Christian thing is to forgive her, not meaning you need to approve of her behavior. But I think the fact that you’re not really comfortable with her in general, nor do you trust her or like her THAT much is I think a bigger reason for not having her in your party. And don’t feel bad if she isn’t! You need to have the people that you love most standing next to you.
Post # 7
I agree with aunt pol. Otherwise, you could always just have 2 Bridesmaid or Best Man and he could still have 4 Groomsmen…lots of people choose to have uneven bridal parties. If they don’t mean a lot to you (it sounds like you may still want GF#1 as a Bridesmaid or Best Man though), then you certainly don’t have to ask them. Stand up for your beliefs and don’t let something like “one/two less BM” get in the way of sticking to your morals.
Post # 8
I would feel bad asking Boyfriend or Best Friend to cut one of his groomsmen. 🙁
I should have added that GF#2 and I WERE close at one point but this whole cheating thing has weighed heavy on my heart, I have been prying about it for a while…
While deep down I know that I cannot judge her I am also faced with the wuestion of; how can I trust her if she’d do this to the man she says she will marry one day?
Maybe cheating is just one of lifes mysteries I will never understand.
Aside from the cheating, though, she is a gossiper and that is also why I don’t trust her, it isn’t all about the cheating.
Post # 9
Take some time to think about it. You don’t need to figure out who’s in your wedding party right away. I took some to think about it after I got engaged. I agree that you don’t want someone in your wedding that you will not be friends with in 10 years.
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re unfairly judging her. You already said that you’re not that close to her and don’t envision her being in your life for years to come. That’s a pretty good reason to me! Just because she’s Girlfriend #1’s friend does not mean she has to be your bridesmaid. She can be Girlfriend #1’s bridesmaid. I have close friends who I don’t necessarily think will be good bridesmaids, so I will find another way to involve them. My fiance only wants 3 groomsmen, so I am going w/ 3 groomsman too. If your fiance is cool w/ 3 (which you said… 3-4 guys), then having 3 girls should be just fine. This is YOUR wedding, not hers. Have who you WANT up there, not who you think you should have.
Post # 11
Just because GF#1 and GF#2 are close doesn’t mean that they are a package deal. You can chosing people who you are close to be involved in your wedding, it’s not a pity party on your part.
Why don’t you discuss the situation with your Fiance and see if you can come to an agreement to maybe just having 3 on each side. I was dealing with a very similar situation when I chose my bridal party, struggling to figure out how to exclude someone I wasn’t too crazy about but had expectations to be involved in the wedding. After speaking with Fiance, he told me that he doesn’t care how big our bridal party is, he will just go with however many I want. Maybe Fiance will understand your situation and be supportive of your decision to only want 3. Just talk to him… you’ll be surprised how things can be worked out.
Post # 12
Take some time to think it through. No need to rush…most events that BMs are a necessity for (BM dress shopping, bridal shower, bachelorette party/Jack-n-Jill party, rehearsal) aren’t until a couple months before the actual ceremony.
Reflect on what you posted: 1) you don’t feel close to her, 2) you don’t trust her, 3) you don’t condone or approve of her action, 4) if it were up to you, she wouldn’t necessarily be part of your life in 10 years. All of these things are good, solid reasons NOT to ask her.
If you must make a decision now, I say go with uneven bridal party (or if you can’t stand uneven numbers) or ask another family member, someone you enjoy & want to share the events with. But there really is no need to rush. Case in point: Fiance & I originally decided to have just a Best Man & Maid/Matron of Honor. He chose his best friend of 27 years & I chose my friend of 13 years & sponsor into the Catholic Church. Then, months later, Fiance felt a wee bit guilty for not including his brother & decided to add him as a Groomsmen…which meant I needed to add a Bridesmaid or Best Man…I picked my friend of 9 years who I had wanted to include earlier but didn’t want to have an uneven party. She was great about being asked later, & was added to the party well in advance of ordering dresses, planning pre-wedding stuff, & loved being part of the bride’s entourage for all my attire & what-not. It was no problem.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your wonderful advice, I truly appreciate you all taking time to respond. 🙂
I know GF#2 will be hurt if I don’t ask her, because as I said we were close before. She doesn’t know how I feel about her now, I just simply don’t share information with her that I wouldn’t want others to know and I treat her respectfully despite how I feel as I don’t feel the need to start drama with her, no reason to… She also doesn’t know that I know she cheated, her Boyfriend or Best Friend (my good friend and future groomsman) told me. I know that if I don’t ask her and I do ask GF#1 our friendship will likely be over. As I said, I don’t expect her to be in my life years from now but I never wanted it to end badly, I am moving away after the wedding and I just figured our friendship would simmer out smoothly. I guess this is just one of those “suck it up and do it” times, right?
Fiance knows how I feel about her being in the wedding, he simply says, “dont ask her.” LoL, I love him.
I may just keep it at 2 BMs for mine and we will be uneven, I don’t mind that. I honestly didn’t even want a wedding party at all but my sis was really excited about it and I think Fiance really wants his guys up there with him.
Anyway, this is all just future talk, like I said I don’t have the ring yet but when I do it is going to be a short engagement so some things are already having to be thought up.
Once again, thanks for the advice ladies!
Post # 14
I would not feel bad about not including a girl that you aren’t really good friends with… being a bridesmaid is an honor and you really should only have people who are close friends with…
Post # 15
Seriously, just because you were close doesn’t mean that you are obligated to include her. Your sentiments toward her aren’t very warm and you obviously don’t really want to continue a relationship with her anyway. Not including her would just be speeding up the inevitable. Weddings can really force you to make these decisions and it sucks to not have things work out as smoothly as you want them to. Things just happen this way but you won’t regret making this decision at all. J
At the moment I’m experiencing the backlash from my decision to step down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and not go to someone’s wedding. It really is for the best given the really messed up situation but it doesn’t make things any easier. Even through all of this I don’t regret going with my gut b/c I know I made the best decision possible, even if it wasn’t popular w/just a few people. 🙂 As long as your Fiance and your closest friends have your back you have nothing to lose. Best of luck!
Post # 16
I can understand why you don’t want to include her because you don’t feel close to her and it would be arkward for all the bridal party knowing that two of them broke up in such bad circumstances.
As for you not sure about standing on front of god with her beside you because she cheated….well in my opinion the cheating thing is between her and her ex, not between you and her. I understand that you feel strongly about cheating. But you shouldn’t let it weigh so heavily on your heart.
I also feel strongly about cheating. But thats because I cheated in a past relatonship. I never thought I would be in the situation, but I was. It was a one night stand and I had to look deep into myself for why. I cired right after it was finsihed. I cried that the person I had cheated with told me how much he desperatly loved his girlfriend minutes after being with me. It was horrible. (and 4 years later he still denies to his Girlfriend now wife that it happened). I soon realised though it happened because I was unhappy, and my Boyfriend or Best Friend was unhappy. Although we didn’t want to admit we were. We both wanted it to work, but it wasn’t. We cared for each other but really didn’t love each other. I confessed everything to him, we tried to work it out for 3 months, then we went our seperate ways. I cried for weeks after he left. I felt ashamed and despised myself for hurting him that way.
I still feel strongly about cheating, i believe most cheat because deep down they are unhappy with where they are. I am sure your friend feels bad enough within herself about what happened. I am now engaged to a wonderful man, and we communicate with each other regularly about how we feel, where we are at, and if something is bothering us. I do not want to find myself in another unhappy relationship where we dont tell each other we love each other for months at a time, and go over 6 months without being intimate.
I’m not saying you should sympathise with her, i’m just saying don’t let her cheating become an issue in your wedding, when it really isn’t. God doesn’t believe you are responsible for her cheating.
I am sure you will find the solution that works best for you.