Post # 1
I’m recently engaged and so excited!
My Fiance and I have selected April 2019 to be our wedding day.
I have a few questions that I really need your advice on.
1) I have a friend who I wish to select as Matron of Honor but she’s pregnant now and is expected to deliver in October. I’m not exactly sure if she’s up for it as she would most likely be breastfeeding etc but I would like to give her that choice – if she wants to turn it down or not (with no hard feelings) If you’re pregnant now, would you be okay or is it sensitive matter that I assumed after giving birth and having a 7+ month old baby, she can handle being a MOH?
2) How long before the wedding did you ask the ladies to be your bridesmaids?
3) How did you turn someone down as your bridesmaid? I say this because I have a friend who kept assuming she’s going to be mine when I never gave her any indication. Even before I was engaged. She kept saying she wanted to be my bridesmaid and I kept saying “I don’t know who is going to be my bridesmaid yet”. I’ve known her for 14 years but I only got close to her for a few years and the past 2 years, we’ve grown apart but it didn’t stop her from saying it.
I really need help cos I don’t want to hurt her, I still want her at my wedding.
Post # 2
1) Ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor and let her know you know she’ll have additional challenges and will understand if she can’t commit to the role. That being said, you should adjust any expectations you have about a lavish bachelorette party or huge bridal shower (if this is part of your plan) because she’ll probably have other responsibilites. Some ladies can juggle things flawlessly, others may have a harder time. You’ll never know how she handles it until the baby is here since everyone is different, so you just need to be understanding and supportive.
2) I wouldn’t ask any more than a year out. Relationships change and you don’t want to be in an awkward situation where you’ve asked someone super far out and the relationship fizzles.
3) You don’t turn down a bridesmaid, because they aren’t applying for the role. You ask the girls you want to be in your bridal party, and that’s that. If this girl asks about it again after you’ve selected BMs, all you have to do is say you’ve already picked your bridal party and look forward to celebrating with her at the wedding.
Post # 3
1) If you want your friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor, give her the choice to be. If she is worried about being overwhelmed she will tell you. She can handle it, but she may not want to depending on her circumstances.
2) I would not ask them over a year out. Relationships change and people change. I think 8-9 months is ideal.
3) You don’t have to turn her down, just don’t ask her. If she has the gull to ask why just tell her you are keeping your bridal party between your closest friends and family.
Post # 4
JiminyCricket : Thank you both for your advice.
Where I’m from, we don’t have bridal showers only bachelorette. And she and I are pretty alike, we like something really mellow. When I was hers, all we did was rent a place and have dinner and chit chat all night. So I don’t expect anything more cos I’m that way too 🙂
And I guess the sentence “turn her down” wasn’t used rightly, sorry. I just don’t know how to say no to her, she’s quite persistent lol.
smalltownbigworld : Wouldn’t she be hurt though if I outrightly say “close friends”? Cos she definitely thinks we are. Honestly, so did I at some point but it fizzled.
Post # 5
1. Ask the Maid/Matron of Honor and leave it in her court. At six monhs of age, breatsfeeding should be more predictable. All she has to do is get a dress. As Maid/Matron of Honor she doesn’t even have to wear the same dress as the BM’s.
2. I would ask about 8-12 months out.
3. Don’t tell the one who wants to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man that you are not going to ask her. Also don’t tell her that you are limiting the bridal party to your closest friends. That is unnecessarily hurtful. Just say you have already chosen your bridal party if she raises the subject.
Post # 6
julies1949 : Thank you!And yes, will have Maid/Matron of Honor go with whatever dress she’s comfortable in and will make her know that it’s an option if she wants to be 🙂
Definitely do not have the intention to hurt her. I may not be as close as I used to, but definitely don’t want her to feel anymore hurt that she would be once she finds out she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Thank you for your suggestion 🙂
Post # 7
1) If you really want this friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor, then just ask her. But let her know that there are no hard feelings if she decides not to do it or if she accepts but later down the track needs to step down. Your wedding is a long way off, so there’s no telling how she will be feeling as it draws closer.
2) It’s generally not recommended to ask anyone until you’re about a year or less away from the wedding. However, I asked my bridesmaids at 14 months out when we’d booked a date (we got married in December so felt we should let people know sooner rather than later considering how much holiday stuff happens in December).
3) I just wouldn’t say anything to her. You shouldn’t tell people that they won’t be asked or why, so just don’t bring it up with her at all. If she says anything once you’ve asked your bridesmaids, I would just say that you’ve already asked them but that you look forward to celebrating with her at the wedding.
Post # 8
1. My mom was Maid/Matron of Honor for her best friend a few months after having me! Everything was fine! So I’d say yes you should ask her, just know that she might not be able to spend a lot of time with you after the baby comes
2. I asked my bridesmaids 14 months before the wedding, but I had been engaged for 2 years already at that point so I had plenty of time to make sure I was sure about who I was asking
3. I didn’t. Since I’ve been engaged for so long no one continued to ask if they’d be in the bridal party. I didn’t post on social media or anything when I picked my bridesmaids so most people probably don’t know that I picked a bridal party. So I’d say as long as you don’t post anything about who your bridesmaids are on social media, you really don’t have to give her an answer until she physically sees who they are at the shower or even at the wedding. In which case just say you wanted to keep it as small as possible
Post # 9
1. Ask her! My Bridesmaid or Best Man will have a 6 month old breast fed baby at the time of my wedding and it has not affected anything further than she may have difficulty fitting into the dress she bought.
2. I asked mine early (15 or 16 months out) but it’s generally recommended to do 8-12 months.
3. I didn’t have this issue but I think the previous posters have good advice. 100% do not initiate that convo. with her.
Post # 10
1) + 2) In the case of (a first) pregnancy, there’s no way for someone to know what their situation will be like at that point. Knowing my close friends, If I asked them 14 months out and they were pregnant, they’d probably be hesitant to commit to something like that. Maybe wait till summer.
3) Sorry, I don’t know what to do in that situation :(. For me I’d just be so excited that someone wanted to be a bridesmaid that badly so it’s hard for me to fathom telling someone no.