(Closed) Bridesmaid said she can't make it, is she being rude?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

She is just not that into you. Dont be upset. One of my cousins like real cousins…I thought we were close she never picked up her dress and then she got mad at me for not asking her to be a bridesmaid…my best friend paid for her dress and told me to ignore her.

If you really want her at your wedding. Tell her to bring a plus one and find accomodation for her. Maybe another bridesmaid????? It is your choice in the end. Dont suffer people who love you and want to be there for you will make it happen. Maybe you are more her friend than she is yours. Dont feel bad it happens to all of us.

Post # 4
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@misslala:  I would definitely be really disappointed, but I wouldn’t be at all offended by what she wrote. I think she was kind and gracious and honest. Though you see the effort as “only” this and that, to her it’s obviously not “only”. It seems that she thought about it and let you know right away that it wouldn’t work, and that she’s disappointed, too, but she’s not going to be able to manage it. She could have been distant and not told you until closer to the wedding, etc. 


All taht said, I do understand your disappointment. It’s hard when you feel that way about someone / something and it doesn’t work out. I’m sorry for that.

Post # 5
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@misslala:  I’m sorry that you feel so disappointed but I think she was just being honest and straight to the point.

You are obviously not as close as you thought which is sad but happens to all of us.

I do think that she should have at least made an effort to come to your wedding and this would probably hurt me the most.

Post # 6
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Her message seems very sincere and appears she did not want to hurt your feelings. It’s understandable that you are upset, but I think that her message was straight forward and you really don’t have a reason to look in to it further. 

I know some times we say, “I would never…” but you have to remember she is not you. She does have a choice and who knows, she may have some anxiety disorder or underlying issues preventing her from going.

Post # 7
7519 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If she can’t afford the gas to get there and back as a Bridesmaid or Best Man then she can’t afford the gas to get there and back as a guest right? A friend wouldn’t put another friend in financial difficultly.


I think you are overreacting. You have the right to be disappointed that she can’t be there but you have no right to be angry at her about it. She was upfront and honest with you about the situation. That is what friends do.


Post # 8
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I would be hurt too, more so that she’s not even going to come to your wedding at all. I’ve have been broke as hell, but I’d still come up with the $200 or whatever to drive to a friend’s wedding. I think PPs are right that she’s not as invested in the relationship as you. Sorry girl 🙁

Post # 9
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’d be bummed too, and it sounds like it’s really important to you that she’s there. If it’s financially feasible, you could help pay for some of her expenses.

Post # 10
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@misslala:  I don’t know her situation, but I’ve been unemployed for a year and the only reason I’m able to go to my best friend’s wedding (also about a 4 hour drive) is because my boyfriend is paying for the hotel. You said you asked her last week? On my budget, there is no way I’d be able to save for a dress, much less gas money & a hotel, in that amount of time. I’ve known for 2 months where my friend’s wedding was going to be and I am still scrounging money together for a dress.

Post # 11
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

She’s not being rude at all. She honestly just can’t afford it. Even with cutting corners, she probably can’t. Four hours of driving takes up a lot of gas, she wants to have a great dress for a good price without looking tacky or out of place, and she is definitely being courteous and sincere. I can definitely empathize.

If it was my best friend, and this was the situation, I would be in no way financially up for doing a wedding such as that. I would maybe ask her for some help on the expenses, and I know my Fiance would help, but if she has no SO, or no one willing to help her, I don’t think she’d be able to do it herself.

She was being very reasonable imo. Give her a little more credit.

Post # 12
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@j_jaye:  +1.

It’s unreasonable to think that if she can’t afford to come as a Bridesmaid or Best Man that she’d be able to come as a guest.

Post # 13
34 posts

At least she told you early on and didn’t wait until the last minute and bail on you. I’ve seen that happen and that sucks. She sounds sincere in the message and it’s probably a financial thing plus maybe not feeling close enough to you to make the commitment of standing up. You gotta give her credit for being honest. 

Post # 14
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@misslala:  It’s natural to be disappointed, but I don’t think she is any less of a friend. Some people can’t afford it, period. If your date is correct, she’s only got about 6 weeks to save.

I think she’s being realistic about how much time she could spend with you: given the choice between spending a whole day with you, or witnessing your wedding and maybe talking to you for 10 minutes, she’d choose the former. Not what I would choose, but I can understand the reasoning.

Also, is there someone’s house she can stay at, to avoid any hotel costs? As in, “I’d still love you to come, you could stay at (e.g.) my mom’s house”.

Post # 15
1203 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think it’s a pretty classy note — except I think I would have called and broken the news to you verbally. I’m sure she really wants to be there, and I know that you want her to be there too. Don’t let this get in the way of your existing friendship.

If you think it’s a possibility, maybe email back with some possible “hacks” — do you know anyone who is coming from that direction with whom she could carpool? Maybe Greyhound or Megabus would be a more affordable option for travel? Someone she could split a room with or whose spare room she could crash in?


Post # 16
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… so perhaps another point of view…

First and foremost, I don’t think she was rude at all… as another Bee said she was being dead honest and sincere with you.

Now from an Etiqutte point of view… I think that if you wanted to, you might still be able to salvage this situation… maybe even so far as having her as a Bridesmaid.

From a traditional Etiquette stand point (North America Standards) … as the Bride YOU are responsible for the following expenses for your Bridal Party

* Accommodations – as a MINIMUM that would be the Hotel… more extensively that could include the cost of meals as well (this no doubt is a HUGE part of what she is looking expense wise)

* Transportation once in the Wedding Destination… so if you aren’t providing group transport for your Bridal Party (Limos, Trolleys etc) then that could mean some gas money / parking expenses while she is in your city.

* She is responsible YES for the Dress.  Transporation from her city to yours… and buying the dress.  As well as getting a Wedding Gift for you & your Hubby… and usually going on a group gift from the other Bridesmaids to you personally (but that can be optional).

* She is reponsible to be caring and helpful… supportive and a friend to lean on.  She is also responsible for providing the basic necessities for “the look” you are going for at the Wedding.  BUT IF YOU WANT a co-hesive look… ie everyone in the same shoes, hair, makeup, jewellery, etc.  Then that is your burden to provide to the gals… and it shall not count in anyway towards their “thank you gift” from you because you are making it a Wedding Day Requirement.

So long story short… if you are a kind and caring Bride, it probably would work out cheaper for her to be your Bridesmaid than it would for her to be your Guest (in that she wouldn’t have the cost of the weekend… Hotel, Food etc to bear)

Something to think about as you muse this situation over,

Hope this helps,


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