(Closed) Bridesmaid self esteem issues – LONG

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
4 posts
  • Wedding: March 2018

Wow 😳 that is really rough! 

I feel for you! 

I don’t really have any good advice but I do have a friend that sound very similar. Unfortunately, there is probably not a lot you can do to help her with her self esteem (except maybe point her in the way of a good Psycologist that could help), however it is probably worth having that awkward conversation that is bound to come up sooner or later. I would be tempted to make it sooner so you are prepared, calm and able to be sensitive. If it happens later it may not go down the way you intended it to?! 😧

I think its importiant to let to let her know that you love her, but it is also importiant to protect your own personal boundaries and tell her that you don’t feel very supported right now either. You have already made a big compromise for her in changing her dress colour (and therefore probably your whole colour theme) she needs to know that her negative comments are bringing you down and she might have to compromise on the way she expresses her need for affirmation.. and how much she really needs from YOU. 

The whole change in job thing is out of your hands. It is not reasonable for her to ask you to change your job just so you can hang out more! Perhaps you can suggest that due to your being on different schedules that you will both have to accept the fact that you won’t see eachother as much but you can still make time for each other and make each time as meaningful as possible. 

I think you are right that she probably has some codependency issues, all you can do is your best to be a good friend, but just remember that good friends need healthy boundaries or it gets messy! 

It’s a really tricky one! Let us know what happens. Good luck! 

Post # 3
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
annegirl :  what she said!

That’s super tough and you sound like an amazing friend. I probably wouldn’t have changed the dresses, part of being a bridesmaid is wearing what the bride wants. But I would also keep any negative comments to myself and buy a blush dress for you. 

I had a friend also that sounds like this, but we’ve grown apart. She would make shitty comments like that that are negative about herself, but bring me down with her. sometimes adding JK afterwards which infuriated me. Maybe someone who has experienced depression or low self esteem can chime in to give the other side’s perspective, but it is exhausting being on this side. I feel for you!

Post # 4
448 posts
Helper bee

I can understand her actually, it’s tough when suddenly a good friend who has been your roomate has moved out, got a different job (or a diffrent schedule) and got engaged. From seeing that person every day you feel that you don’t see her at all and not only do you feel that you don’t see her she’s not coming to celebrate your birthday with you – I’d be a bit upset too.

I can understand your point of view but I can understand her too. A weeding is a joyous time but in a way you feel like your friend is moving on and leaving you.

I’m not saying you need to change your job now and spend every second with her but perhaps try to make some time for her and when you do try not

Post # 7
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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anoneebee1234 :  Does she not understand the financial stuff? I mean you do have a wedding coming up. 

The self-esteem stuff, i’m not sure, thats tough. I would just reminde her that she is beautiful and she really needs to learn to love herself. Honestly though, is she overweight? A 10 in a bridesmaid dress can really just be the fit of the dress, especially if she is curvy and has hips, etc. Maybe you could set some time aside and plan gym or workout dates if you think it could help her to feel better.

Post # 8
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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anoneebee1234 :  there’s nothing to do except to stick to your guns: “I won’t be able to make it. I’m sorry to not be able to attend but happy to do something with you locally”. Repeat as needed. And the next time she brings out the I’m-fat-you’re-not card, which sounds like a form of manipulation, say: “It makes me uncomfortable when you say that let’s focus on (the dress, the night, the conversation, having fun, etc.).” People get away with this self-deprecating emotionally manipulative bullshit because you let them. When you stop being endlessly reassuring, they will stop using it to control you.

Post # 10
4801 posts
Honey bee

A size 10 at 5’9″ is amazing. Sounds like she has body dysmorphia.

There is nothing you can do if she doesn’t understand why you cannot go. But I would have a nice bottle of champagne delivered to her room as a gift. 

Post # 12
2333 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I agree with pp just be honest about the financial situation and not being able to afford it. As far as her body shaming she does to herself, I’d say “you know what, stop talking about my friend like that. Yes I know you’re talking about yourself, but you are my friend and I don’t let anyone speak poorly about my friends, even if it is you talking about yourself.” That might help her realize it’s not just affecting her when she talks like that. 

Post # 13
1519 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
anoneebee1234 :  I think you have been an excellent friend and I can see why you get annoyed. I have low self-esteem too and body shame myself ALL the time but I don’t do it in front of my friends, because I’m conscious that there is no “right” answer to “I feel like my thighs are fat” and after a while it comes across whiny.

Re the Vegas trip, “I’m sorry. I cannot afford it. I hope you have a brilliant time!” and repeat as necessary. She should not be able to guilt you into making a bad financial decision. About the body shaming, try to disengage by changing the topic but also drop compliments at random like “wow, are those new shorts? Your body looks amazing!”.

Post # 14
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

your friend sounds like my fiance… before he had me he was single forever, so it was always him and his best mate. When we first got together, he didn’t see why he couldn’t do everything with the friend, until we became closer and he finally got that a partner is your new priority…

I would just be honest and blunt about Vegas. No point giving vague answers and then trying to back out after it’s been misinterpreted… Nothing you can do really about the comments about appearance, it sounds like you’ve tried so much!

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