- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2017
Reg bee gone anon for this one.
One of my bridesmaids, I hate to admit, is driving me up the wall to the point where I almost snapped this evening. I didn’t, but could use some perspective.
We were housemates before my fiance and I moved in together, and I got some grief for moving out. It was mostly along the lines of you can’t leave me, what am I supposed to do now, etc. Stuff that made me think she was getting to be codependent on our relationship in a way that I wasn’t. Around this time I also got a 9 to 5er, so our schedules are complete opposites. We don’t see eachother as much as I’d like, which she reminds me of all the time. “Just get your old night job back so we can hang out, what am I supposed to do now that we don’t have the same schedule?”
She’s always had serious self esteem issues that I’ve really tried to help her with to no avail. She’s always made me feel bad if she thought I was better looking when we went out or whatever. Comments that tend to make me feel guilty and uncomfortable. If we were out for drinks it was awesome to hang out with her, I don’t care what she looks like! But she would make these comments on hers and mine appearances all the time and it drove me mental.
Now that I’m engaged it seems to have magnified this stuff. I asked her to be co Maid/Matron of Honor with our other best girlfriend. Later on when I shared the programs I’d designed, she asked me to make her name first before the other Maid/Matron of Honor (it was in alphabetical order because I just knew she’d have something to say). So there’s been a few petty things like that.
Then, we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses and I think I made it pretty easy on them. I didn’t have a style in mind, just that I wanted long blush dresses. She nixed every blush dress they tried on and made all the “I’m so fat, none of these look good on me, I look horrible in blush” comments, to which I of course said she did not. I offered to change the color if that was the biggest issue, so they both tried on lovely gold dresses that I actually really liked. It was by far the most flattering dress, and I said we can absolutely get them. When it came down to measurements, my other friend measured to an 8 and she to a 10. She got really upset and didn’t want to order a 10 and hopelessly begged the sales woman to put down 8. I tried explaining that it really doesn’t matter and to just get what fits, and she ended up getting the 10 but was almost in tears.
She is my friend first but I don’t know what to say anymore. The reason I almost snapped tonight was because she was upset that myself and other Maid/Matron of Honor can’t afford to attend her birthday party in Vegas. She said “I guess its nice my skinny friends aren’t going, I wont look as fat.”
I really want to help her with her self esteem. I don’t know what I can do to make her feel better about herself, and having to validate her all the time is making me resentful, I hate to admit. I also selfishly realized these comments on the wedding day will annoy me. I feel so bad for thinking that but it’s true.
If you made it this far, thank you. I can use any advice, especially if it’s critical of me. If I’m being a bad friend and there’s something I can do better, I want to know.