Post # 1
So the immaturity I’m dealing with in this situation is unfathomable. I asked all my bridesamids in July and everyone seemed so excited and happy for me. Since then one of the bridesmaids who is a newer friend has started acting very weird and suddenly started hanging out with other people in our class (we are in a program track together in college). While I thought this was weird we still kept in touch. Then, I get to hear from someone else in my class she is planning on going to someone else in our class’s bachelorette party the same weekend as mine! I was so incredibly upset at this point that I just texted her and asked her if she just really didn’t plan on coming to mine since I had to find out from someone else. She then said she didn’t feel comfortable going because all of my friends are my lifelong friends and she didn’t know them. Then she said she didn’t feel comfortable being in the wedding because we’re just not as close anymore. The biggest problem is I had to find out she was planning all this stuff behind my back instead of telling me first and I have never been so hurt by a friend before.
Now on to the next order of business, do I ask someone else to step in? We’re 7 months away from the wedding so it’s plenty of warning but I feel like there’s no real tactful way to ask someone to be a replacement bridesmaid but I really really would like to have an even number and have someone I know I should have asked in the first place instead of this girl. Please help!
Post # 3
Have you guys gone dress shopping yet? Does your alternate friend know you picked your BMs and then one dropped out?
I think if you haven’t been shopping and you friend won’t know she’s an alternate, I’d ask her!
Post # 4
@bhambride: I think you are being overly judgemental. It was probably really hard for her to tell you that she had changed her mind about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Maybe she knew you wouldn’t take it well. Unfortunately, you found out from someone else first.
If the “someone you know” would handle it ok being a B list bridesmaid, then go ahead and ask her. Otherwise drop your idea that you need even numbers.
Post # 5
@bhambride: She sounds like quite a flake. Yeah, I get what PP’s saying that it would be hard and awkward to tell someone they wanted to drop out – because dropping out for no other reason than “well your other friends have been there loooonger so awwwkwardddd” is stupid and infantile. So she bloody well should have felt awkward. Doesn’t make making plans behind your back and less wrong than it was.
But in any event, as you are finding more about her true flaky character, you’re prolly better off.
As for a new bridesmaid, I echo what pp said: has dress shopping happened? Will the girl know she is an alternate/be the type to mind? What are the pros and cons of being a bridesmaid short vs. asking someone late?
Post # 6
@arabbel: I am in the process of choosing between three dresses a bridesmaid and I went to pick out today. I honestly think she would want to step up to the plate and be there for me on my big day, I just don’t want her to feel like she’s less than the others. It’s one of those deals where we all moved off after undergrad and since she is furthest away we haven’t had much opportunity to see each other in recent years but when we have it’s like no time has passed at all. Unfortunately I posted a pic of me and all my bridesmaids after I asked them so she did see that 🙁
Post # 7
It all depends on the person you’re going to ask; since she’s so far away, she will probably understand why you’re asking her late (since she saw the picture).
Just in case it helps – I was asked to be a replacement bridesmaid a few years ago, and I didn’t mind at all! The groom was a lifelong friend of mine, BMs/GMs were exclusively family and a best friend (four on each side) and then, two months before the big day, the bride’s sister dropped out of the wedding. Luckily, she wasn’t the Maid/Matron of Honor so filling her shoes was a little easier (though still painful for the bride, of course.) When they asked if I could fill in, I was still flattered and didn’t feel “any less” than the other BMs because I knew the circumstances. I think if you do ask your friend to fill in, just be honest with her. She’ll get it and she’ll know you care about her and value her friendship 🙂
Post # 8
I wouldn’t replace her at this point. Your other friend would know she wasn’t one of your first choices. Maybe she could do a reading?
Post # 9
I would tell your friend you made a mistake and should’ve asked her in the first place. If a friend said that to me I wouldn’t be offended at all!
Post # 10
Just be honest about it. “I realized the true color of one of my BMs and now I feel like I should have asked you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man the first time around. I made a lapse in judgement and I wish you would stand by me on that day. If you still want to be my number one guest, I understand.”
Let her say no, and if she does, reassure her that you are so excited to see her on your big day and you hope she can make it to the bachelorette party.
Post # 11
I personally wouldn’t be offended if someone asked me to be a bridesmaid only because someone backed out. That kind of thing happens. I agree with PP – just be honest with her and allow her to say no if she isn’t comfortable with the idea. If you made it a special experience when you asked the other girls though, make sure you make it just as special for her. You’re lucky this other bridesmaid flaked early enough on that you have the option to replace her! This will all work out, promise