Post # 1
This is my first post (total newbie!!!)
I recently got engaged and it’s already turning into an absolute nightmare – from family members telling us to get married abroad so they can have holiday (wasn’t invited to their son’s wedding abroad aha!) to having too many guests!
My main problem at the moment is bridesmaids!!!!!!!!!!! Firstly my cousin who actively dislikes me and I mean really doesn’t like me has asked if she’s going to be bridesmaid at my wedding. I wasn’t bridesmaid at hers and I never dreamt in a million years that I would be – you know down to that little fact that we don’t get on…… Thankfully this wasn’t to my face but has since added me on facebook etc so I’m waiting for the inevitable question!
Secondly two of the girls I’m having as bridesmaids I met at exactly the same down to the second. They’ve been friends since they were kids so they kind of come hand in hand. Now one of them is really really into weddings – has offered to help with my bunting etc etc whereas the other is currently abroad with no clear date as to when she’s coming back (gah another stress), and couldn’t organise for anything and is rather flaky! Well my issue here is that I want to ask the first to be my Chief Bridesmaid (I’m not having a Maid of Honour) but I know for a fact that it will hurt the friend abroad. Personality wise I probably do get on slightly better with the one abroad but there really isn’t much in it.
I’ve mentioned to my mum that I put their names into a hat (just filled with the first ones name) and pull one out to seem fair. My mum is saying that we are just childish – the one abroad for being hurt and me for suggesting ways to placate her. Or that I’m overreacting – and this girl won’t be hurt. Am I?! Should I just be honest and say I’d rather have first girl as chief bridesmaid?… I’d rather not lie but I also don’t want to hurt her feelings which I know it will!
Now the first friend is also getting married and considering having us both as Chief Bridesmaid – I don’t want two. I’ve openly said that she can have the other girl as Chief Bridesmaid as they’ve known one another longer etc but she just doesn’t want only her due to reasons I’ve mentioned.
Gah this might seem a little confusing and it may not make much sense but not really sure what to do!
Post # 2
You have to do what’s best for you — I went through this struggle of bridesmaids as well. You want your Chief Bridesmaid to be someone who is dependable, organized, and easily accessable… it does not sound like the second friend is that person. I would definitely pick the first girl. You can always have the second as a bridesmaid. The second friend should definitely understand. And if she doesn’t, then you have to reconsider the relationship you have with her… a true friend understands these things and should realize the wedding isn’t about her. You know?
Post # 3
If choosing titles is this much stress why do it? Why do you have to call one a chief bridesmaid? Just call them bridesmaids and privately give a special thank you to the one doing most if the work.
Post # 4
livsylivs : I stopped reading at the cousin who doesn’t like you…so, very early on. I went through drama and have decided on no bridesmaids. I feel like it will be the best decision I will ever make
Post # 5
Bridesmaids can be drama cant they.
Dont have your cousin you dont need to.
I think two chief bridesmaids is fine. Otherwise you need to decide in your heart who is closest to you.
Who do you ring when you need advice?
Post # 6
livsylivs : Don’t have a chief bridesmaid. Just call them both bridesmaids.
As for your cousin (and anyone else rude enough to ask), learn the word “no”. “Sorry, no, I’ve already chosen my bridesmaids”. It certainly takes some cheek to ask, when she didn’t have you!
Post # 7
It seems like you are the one creating drama and you may have some unrealistic expectations going on as well.
The cousin is an easy fix, if she asks just say no she isn’t a bridesmaid or are only have your closest friends as bridesmaids.
As for your two friends well you seem to be picking a cheif bridesmaid (a silly title to me) based on who can do the most for you and your wedding. Your bridal party is supposed to be the people who have supported you in life to the point of you getting married and not who is willing to do all the tasks you want.
Just have bridesmaids and lower expectations.
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I think it’s too early to start picking bridesmaids based on the wedding date you have listed. A lot can change between now and May 2017 (which would still be a year away from your listed wedding )
Save yourself the stress and wait to pick bridesmaids for now.
Post # 9
I would nix the cousin. Why have someone there who doesn’t like you?
If your wedding is actually in 2018 I think it’s a bit premature to be picking bridesmaids at all.
As for the chief Bridesmaid or Best Man dilemma, just talk to them both. I live overseas and when my best friend got engaged, it just didn’t make sense for me to be the maid of honour as I could only be there for the wedding. She picked another close friend who could help with the shower and hen’s, etc.
It’s part and parcel of living abroad and I’m sure your friend will understand!
Post # 10
Why do you need a chief bridesmaid? I have never even heard of them.. I am having five bridesmaids (no maid of honour) solely due to the fact that if I asked one person over another there would be hurt feelings. Some are excited to help with the wedding and some are less so, but all are just happy with being regular bridesmaids!
Post # 11
I think you’re causing yourself unnecessary stress. Why chief bridesmaid? Isn’t that basically a MOH? And for what reason? Just because you expect her to do more work for you? That’s not what bridesmaids are for. The situation with your cousin, just don’t make her a bridesmaid, she doesn’t need to be just because she asked. The destination wedding suggestions from family, I’m sure everyone gets those, I did. When people hear “wedding”, they like to put their two cents in, if you don’t like the idea and want to stay nice just say “good idea, we’ll think about it” then change the subject.
I don’t see how any of these are real problems, so maybe you’re getting overwhelmed with the planning. Step back, breathe, take a little break and do something non-wedding related and then get back at it.
Post # 12
The cousin is easy, just say no! If you aren’t friends and don’t get along already then there is going to be no love lost when you tell her that you’re just having a select few who are really close to you be in your bridal party.
I don’t think you need to stress over having a ‘chief bridesmaid’, just lose the title altogether and then nobody will be offended. I can see you already have the ‘bridesmaids arent there to help with the wedding’ comments – I think what you meant was you would be risking offending the friend who IS really into weddings and WANTS to help if you choose your friend who is overseas, I don’t think you meant you expected them both to do your bidding haha (j_jaye loves making this a huge issue on every single thread).
Just make them both bridesmaids and let them know you’d love for them to be invovled only as much as they want to be, and you’re happy if they’d like to help and equally as happy if they don’t. Then nobody gets offended and you don’t have the stress of ‘choosing’ a friend.
Post # 13
j_jaye : Oh God no – I don’t expect them to do anything lol. Heck I haven’t even got that far into planning aha! It is mainly as fairybread052 articulated far better than me – the friend who is into weddings has offered to help with bunting (I’ve not asked her to), asks me to go to wedding fairs, wants to help with the paper flowers and has offered to come to my house to do so. This has not been through any prompting by me whatsoever. She loves helping and part of me thinks if she’s willing to do so much (again not me asking) should she be made Chief Bridesmaid? If that makes any sense?
However, I am also in her bridal party (next September) and offered to help her with anything. I’m not at her bidding and nor is she at mine. I just think we’re two close friends who love weddings wanting to help one another out.
Post # 14
mcmeow : Ahh need to articulate myself better aha! Definitely not expecting anyone to do any work for me. This friend is really into weddings and has offered to help a ton (with things non wedding related such as helping me decorate our new house) – this is through no prompting on my part. I want book flowers (book themed wedding) and mentioned it in passing and she says ‘Oooooh I’ve always wanted to try them I’ll come and help you make them!!!!’ I was after buying them on etsy aha! I am not crafty at all. Part of me thinks if she’s so willing (again not after her helping) should she be made Chief Bridesmaid?
But yes definitely reeling from wedding stress – waiting for the registrar to email me to tell me if they’re available or not!
Post # 15
livsylivs : I understand wanting to reward your friend’s enthusiasm by giving her a different title but I think you’d have less stress by omitting that title completely and sticking to just bridesmaids if you’re not having a maid of honor. It’s ok to make them all bridesmaids, having a new title like “chief BM” is completely unnecessary and can cause a divide in the wedding party, it’ll seem like you assigned a leader for your group. Good luck!