yes, they will still be attending which is still going to be hard for me to be honest. but atleast they won’t be speaking that night. i just honestly didn’t ever think about them seeing eachother again and so i wasn’t ever faced with my true feelings…or fears…?
i guess i’m sifting through emotions and finding surprises even about myself. i can say on one hand that i trust that he doesn’t want her cause i believe he loves me BUT it seems like she’s stolen so many men from others and from myself in the past that it’s a big fear of mine that it could possibly happen again…or that he’d still find her attractive or like her. another bothersome issue is that he knew how she was with me. he knew, i had told him how she was and all she had done to me. what hurts too besides just the cheating is that he let her have a piece of me, of us… that i thought was so special, my child’s dad. out of all the guys, why him…? i was mad that he let her use him. i was mad that he let her get her kicks or whatever it was against me. i was so angry that he let her prove she can even have my child’s father while i’m at home sick and pregnant with his baby.
she and i have such a big past but still worked through our friendship because we really cared about eachother. i’m so confused now because maybe that was the wrong decision. as i said before, i hope she’s changed and in many way she has, but i get little hints and notice things sometimes that tell me otherwise.
i do know that she definitely 100% has issues with wanting to turn heads and wanting to be wanted by everyone. she’s always been that way and i’ve tried to talk to her about it and she just thinks it’s harmless. she’s always competed with me and tried to mock my life,my taste, personality to the point where it is kind of creepy. i’m not the only one who has noticed this but i’ve never asked her about it because i figured it had something to do with her mother. when she was little her mother ran off and left her with her dad. her mother hasn’t ever wanted to have a relationship with her and i just figured that my friend had issues because her mother made her feel unwanted…?
so, i have just kept my mouth shut. and like i said before,she’s always had the same hairstyle, bought the same clothes, same music, has the same email address tag, many many things. if i find a new hobby,interest, or goal in life, she wants the same things i do. i recently bought a sewing machine because i’ve always wanted to make my own clothes, accessories, i want to make my own jewelry etc…now she has bought one and wants the same thing. and it’s not like she’s doing it to be around me and to have something in common, it gives me the feeling that she is just taking all my ideas or wanting to decrease any uniquness i feel that i have?
so many strange things have happened. even the guy she’s married to was a guy i knew before her and had a crush on for years but was too scared to ever talk to. she randomly brought him over one night out of the blue and to my surprise had been talking to him for a few weeks and she never told me. then she brings him over like she’s trying to get us to talk eventhough i told her i was happy with my fiance. they made out the whole night and barely said a word to me. it was like she wanted to show me she could get him and i couldn’t? or maybe she just wanted to bring him over and prove he’d pick her????…but they’d already been talking for weeks and she kept it from me. the guy i dated for 5 years before my fiance now, she slept with him after we broke up. the first guy i ever loved she slept with him when we were trying to work things out and get back together but i guess she decided that she liked him and i didn’t find out until he told me what had happened between them.
theres so many things that have happened and WAY more than i have mentioned…but it is in the past. sometimes i think it’s JUST the past but sometimes i feel i shouldn’t be blind because of the past…?
another thing i don’t think i mentioned is the fact that she has had threesomes with my fiance’s brother and his friends many times. it’s like i haven’t really been able to heal cause that is a problem too. my fiance’s brother tells him everything and i hate the fact that he told him all those stories about her and him with his friends. it upsets me cause i don’t want him hearing about her in that way especially cause of what they did before. i don’t want that in his head. so i also have that haunting me. we all know our men are freaks, it’s how they are made…so him hearing that, and the girl being HER…it’s very upsetting. and "frenemy" is exactly what she was but i’ve been hoping all that is over with.
i guess to shorten this because clearly i have come to realize that i do need therapy and yes, i’d love to have therapy with my fiance, i’m not over what happened. or maybe i’m not ok with all the things that have happened eventhough i thought i was and thought i could handle it. not only have i realized my fiance and i need someone to talk to, but i don’t know if i want her even as a friend anymore. and, thats a big deal, it’s a huge thing for me.
i don’t even know if i trust my fiance now…maybe i don’t! ouch. we’ve had other bumps along the way but i’ve always felt that we loved eachother and would make it through. i’ve always thought of us as married already, maybe thats why i’ve forgiven him so many times. i love him very much and i hope it never happens again with her or anyone else.