(Closed) bridesmaid that fiance cheated with=/ should i ask her to step down?

posted 11 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 47
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am sorry that you are going through this…it is definitely an uncomfortable sitution. But its interesting that everyone’s focus is just on the "best friend." This is just my opinion, but it seems like if you really trusted your FH it would not matter whether or not she was ever around.  I can’t imagine living my life always trying to keep my FH away from someone else that is so close to me.  It seems clear that even though it has been 9  years and you have "forgiven" both of them, you still have some insecurities.  If you felt that he was 100% trustworthy and dedicated to only you, then you wouldn’t feel so  uncomfortable with him being around the so-called "friend." 

Post # 48
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

 

*Hugs*

Just wanted to say good luck! 

Post # 50
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

OH, hugs!

I think seeing a counselor is great.  You can sort some of this stuff out.  I don’t get a good feel for your Fiance.  But I can see how you might forgive him before her, IF you feel like he’s sorry and has changed, but she still  continues in her old ways.  It would be even better if your Fiance would go with you to therapy.

It would be hard to really get rid of her if she is still "chumming" around with FIs brother.  Man!

I think reevaluating your relationship with her is a good idea.  It’s sad that her mother abandoned her.  That sure could be part of the problem.  But she has an incredibly unhealthy attachment to you.  Whatever her reasons, I think she is clearly trying to grasp at ways to inflate her low self esteem.

Post # 51
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I second Tanya123. Hugs, hugs!

Post # 52
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

This ‘friend’ sounds toxic.  For your own mental health and well being, I think you need to stop associating with her.  The things you describe are not things friends do to one another.  Take care of yourself and get rid of her.

Post # 53
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I am so sorry for you! I’ve read through all fo your posts, and I do have to agree with the others in that therapy will help out tremendously! Look at how much you got out just talking to us! You eased your fears a little by asking her to step down from being a bridesmaid, and you’re letting go of a lot of pent up feelings. You would absolutely benefit from keeping that going! Even if your Fiance for some reason doesn’t want to go to counseling with you, you would still benefit going yourself. You sound like an extremely kind hearted person, and very forgiving. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you forget in most cases, and you absolutely need to protect yourself from getting hurt by your "friend" again. She also sounds as if she would benefit greatly from counseling herself. She’s supplementing her low self esteem by showing herself and everyone that she can have whoever she wants, whenever she wants. It makes her feel better about herself even though she’s being quite possibly one of the worst friends in the world. She’s copying you b/c she wants to show you that she’s "better" at anything you attempt, that the hairstyle you have looks "better" on her, and the clothes she copies also looks "better" on her. None of that is true of course. You have to love yourself before you can see anyone else loving you.

You’re a great person and keep your chin up. I hope things only get better for you from here on out and you have a great wedding day and marriage. Good luck, and always remember that the bees are here to listen anytime you need us

Post # 54
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

wow you’re totally an awesome person for staying with your baby’s daddy and for staying friends with her… i would have personally dumped them both from my life and they could have been happy together for all I care.  but that’s just me and I have been told that I’m mean.

i agree with everyone here… i think she should not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and yeah she probably shouldn’t go to your wedding at all.  it also seems like she’s burned you more than once… and I would watch out for that.  

*Huggles* be strong… what ever you do, is probably the right choice.

Post # 55
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Wow… you’re a better woman than I am – I don’t forgive easily, and I don’t think I could have stayed friends with her, or forgiven him, even if he was the father of my child.  I applaud you for being the kind-hearted person it seems you are.  

That said, I am not going to offer any advice, just say that my heart hurts for you.  You are in such a difficult situation, and I wish you the best.  

Post # 56
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Forgiving is a long and hard process, it difficult to let go of the effects of someone’s violation of trust and friendship and companionship but recognize those pains belong to you Fiance and your friend and give them back.  Let them know the consequences of their actions, the emotional fall out, the mistrust issues, the insecurities, the self confidence problems.  They need to understand what their actions did. Forgiveness is not as much for the perpetrater as it is for the victim.  If you can forgive them then you can give up the hurt and start regaining trust and resolving the other issues.

  Just because you need to/ want to forgive doesn not mean you need to or should forget.  Whether its a mistake or a character flaw or a mean spirited-ness her actions tell you that you do need to be wary.  There is nothing wrong with that, with taking steps to prepare yourself.  If you continue your frienship with her without that preperation then when she hurts you ultimately you can only fault yourself for trusting her too much.

  As for your Fiance I think it is wise to approach your continueing relationship with him with great trepidation.  There are probably many reasons to trust him and love him and value him but there are also reasons against that.  If you choose to move forward I think it would be very healthy to make it clear to him exactly how your trust in him has been weakened and explain what you need for him to start rebuilding that trust.  In my opinion, after all he has done, he should be willing to agree to whatever ultimatums you provide.  Explain they are the consequences for his actions. 

  And don’t rush yourself.  These complicated feelings and trust issues can take a long time to pick apart and understand. They are multifaceted.  They can seem resolved and suddenly pop up in another fashion. Take it a pace at a time. Find people to talk to–clergy, therapist, bees 🙂  The first step is articulating your feelings the second is deciding what to do about them.  The one thing you should not do with them is hide them and hope they will go away.  I think you are doing real good.  You’ve made many hard choices, right or wrong, nieve or wise, thats not for anyone outside of the situation to say. Just make sure you know what you are really feeling when you make a decision, that will help make sure its the right one for you.

  I wish you the very best of luck and if you need to chat please feel free to vent at me, being able to say something to someone compltely on the outside can sometimes make things easier, or at least ease your mental state. (-Hugs-)

Post # 57
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

So if there is a time in a woman’s life to have people who care for you BE THERE and HELP, it is either 1. during pregnancy or 2. during a wedding. 

Since your best friend and partner flubbed up BIG TIME on #1, time to get them on track for #2. 

I can really empathize with you because I want to be a peacemaker, I endeavor to diminish conflict and see the best in people.  However, in trying so hard to love others despite their flaws, I sometimes neglect myself and look back on situations and realize I should have advocated for myself more.  This is what I think you can do now, if you even want more advice.  MAKE IT ABOUT YOU.  IT IS ABOUT YOU.  They betrayed your trust and it has been like the elephant in the room for years.  You need to let them know it still hurts and it isnt and wasn’t okay.  You love them and forgave them to a point, but that doesn’t make what they did okay. Just speaking that aloud to them may be really helpful.  They need to know, especially your Fiance.  That is AWESOME that you’re wanting to go and see a counselor, this will help so much!!!

As for your friend, she does sound VERY toxic.  But perhaps there is a history there that is too important for you to give up.  As her friend, you can help her see how she’s suffering in her life because of her jealousy, competitiveness.  Whatever attractiveness she’s seeking from men, well she’s going to really suffer as she ages and the men are looking at someone else.  It is just part of life.  There must be more to her than this, or I don’t think you’d be so loyal to her.  Help her see that and be there for her, but let her know where your limits are.  She’s done so many heartless things that she can’t even stand with you at your wedding.  This should resonate with her and if it doesn’t then she isn’t ready to face reality but at least you voiced your truth.   

Post # 58
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I know I am late to this post but first let me say that you are a better and much more forgiving person than I am. I never would have forgiven either of them and would have called it quits with the both of them.

 That being said you absolutley have every right to ask her to step down and you are completely justified in the way you feel and your thoughts. Good Luck to you!

Post # 59
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Like the gal who posted just before me, you are far more forgiving than I would be. I would have rid them both from my life immediately. I read quite a few comments, but I hope I’m not repeating, but I’m going to ask something I hope doesn’t upset you. Are you sure you want to marry your FI? Look what he put you through! Before you walk down that aisle just make sure you are absolutely sure because these feelings you are having have not gone away. Hope things work out for you.  ::hugs::

Post # 60
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

i would not have stayed friends with her. i would not want her at the wedding either!

Post # 61
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

You sound like a person who is too nice for their own good.  Sometimes you just have to recognize that a person (whether that person is your friend or your fiance) has proven themselves to be untrustworthy and unloving towards you, and remove them from your life.  A failure to do that doesn’t make you a "better person," but just someone too afraid to do what is needed.

My advice, for your own good?  End the friendship.  Consider ending your engagment and calling off your wedding.  Neither your friend nor your fiance are trustworthy or have your best interests in their heart.  And that’s a dealbreaker both friend-wise and fiance-wise.

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