(Closed) Bridesmaid told me she is TTC…what should I do?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I keep her as a bridesmaid?

    Yes, you can't un-ask someone to be a bridesmaid

    No, you can politely explain why she can't be a bridemaid

    Other option (please explain below)

  • Post # 151
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I voted other because while I think it’s ruse to ask someone to stand down, this also sounds miserable and I would want an out of I were her.

    It’s none of anyones business if someone is TTC, but she chose to tell you for some reason. She may not even get pregnant at a time that’s “inconvenient” for you, but brides should not be trying to control their bridesmaid’s bodies IMO. This is supposed to be a fun time people. 

    I don’t even know why bridesmaids exist in modern times. It seems like a great way to start hating your friends. OP, I’d take a deep breath and think about why you are having a wedding – to marry the person you love…not to have identical lady props. 

    Post # 152
    Member
    6033 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

     

    xxmegbugxx:  It is most definitely not disrespectful to keep living your life, incuding trying for a baby, because you are in someone’s wedding party. I would end a friendship with someone who was more concerned about how my potential pregnant belly might affect their wedding plans than they were about including me in the wedding. Anyone who thinks in such a self centered manner needs to really get over themselves. that’s insane to think someone would honestly put off trying to concieve if they had agreed already to be in someone’s wedding. Screw that nonsense. Someone else’s wedding plans shouldn’t dictate those kinds of choices.

    Post # 153
    Member
    2729 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I had my best friend actually tell me my wedding screwed up her plans to have a baby and that it’s all my fault she had to wait another year and put her life choices on hold because I decided to get married. Mind you, I had NO IDEA she was thinking of having children so soon (She’s 25, single, works as a nanny for waayyy less than she should be making and often asked me to wire her $20 for gas so she could get home from where ever she was… IMO, she was in no position to be TTC through sperm donation in her financial situation. She also didn’t know where she was living in the up coming months). Anyway… I never once told her to put anything on hold and said I would accomodate whatever she needed. Since she was doing it through artificial insemination, she had more control over when she were to get pregnant but told me “Well, my bset friend is getting married, I don’t want to pregnant during your wedding. I wanna be able to drink. But I’m just letting you know you completely effed up my life plans now”. Uh, what? For other reasons, her and I are no longer on speaking terms but that’s besides the point. I think people put way to much emphasis on weddings being the be-all-end-all event of the year. Like life must be put on hold or altered for this one day. I know you aren’t asking her to put her plans on hold. I’m just saying, don’t stress about it. I know you’ve come to that conclusion already but, seriously, don’t let things that can or do go wrong or differently than you envisioned discourage you during the planning. It’s extremely stressful and things will get in the way that make you change your vision regardless. It’s nothing to get worked up over (though hard not to), you just have to let life happen. It’s one day… one, hopefully, amazing day. But one day just the same. Whether she’s in the wedding and pregnant, not in the wedding at all, or in it and not pregnant, your wedding will still be wonderful. Just have frequent conversations with her. Let her know that you’re super happy for her to be TTC but to keep you up to date on how she’s feeling or what’s going on. Tell her you don’t want the wedding to get in the way of her plans and that you would understand if she needed to step down at any time. That way she doesn’t feel obligated to be 9 months preggo and trying to fulfill Bridesmaid or Best Man duties and  you don’t come across like the bad guy asking her to sit out.

    Post # 154
    Member
    366 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    stardustintheeyes:  ok…not sure why you’re attacking me . I literally said I was concerned about dresses and having to find find a new plan, but would never voice that to her or force her to not get pregnant or ask her to step down because of it.

    I was more focused on it being rude in general to make a commitment to someone when you have something that may stop you from being to able to follow through. In any situation I see this as rude, not just relating to weddings. Don’t say you’ll for sure do something if you are not 100% sure you can.

    And like I said surprises or emergencies may pop up but if it’s something planned and something thats controllable, be respectful of the people you made a commitment to and their time and money. Especially if they are footing the bill for something.

     

     

    Post # 155
    Member
    1003 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    well… I don’t want to jump on the “get over yourself” bandwagon… but seriously is it that important?

    Get her a different dress, make sure she can wear comfortable shoes, you have tons of time to accomodate this and frankly it’s a non issue. You should be thrilled to have a pregnant bridesmaid.

    The only reason I would say “no, ask her to step down” is if she’s going to be 8 and a half months pregnant during the ceremony. But it’s ENTIRELY POSSIBLE it will take them months to even get pregnant (if at all)

    THAT SAID, you should make sure she’s comfortable being a bridesmaid if she does get pregnant. pregnancy can be hard without juggling bridesmaid duties. if she’s happy and energetic, you should be too. 

    Post # 156
    Member
    906 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

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    MrsAK14:  Look, I don’t think you’re a villain but I think you are really overreacting at this point.  First off, she is not pregnant.. yet.  I do think she is interfering if she thinks you should select a style based on the fact that she MIGHT be pregnant.  I think you just need to let her know that you won’t be doing that (if she hates that so much, maybe she’ll drop out on her own accord) and hold off on ordering her dress. 

    For what it’s worth… your comment that she should have told you her plans when you asked her to be a bridesmaid is totally off-base and makes you sound incredible selfish.  She had no obligation to tell you that and I think that’s what caused so many people to go off on you.

    For the record, my Maid/Matron of Honor was extremely pregnant and she looked gorgeous. 

    Post # 159
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    MrsAK14:  so sorry about all the disrespectful, rude bees who don’t read. I would just have a mod close the thread to stop the bullshit posts.  

    Post # 160
    Member
    455 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    View original reply
    MrsAK14:  You do nothing but support her.  She’ll let you know if you need to change your plans for her.  I have exceptionally low tolerance for Bridesmaid or Best Man drama because there’s always the option not to have bridesmaids.  Or have a small bridal party of people who you know you can count on.  It’s less expensive and so much less drama. 

    Stop telling people how much things cost if you don’t want comments.  You shouldn’t be discussing your budget with her anyway.  

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  seeker.
    Post # 161
    Member
    699 posts
    Busy bee

    I think if you decide not to have her, it should be for the other reasons you mentioned, not the ttc. It sounds like she can say rude things to you and she’s more your fi’s friend.

    Personally, I’d wait and see if she gets pregnant and order her a different dress. I probably wouldn’t have asked her in the first place though, to be honest. I don’t think you can ask her to step down now – won’t it ruin the relationship between your fi and her?

    Post # 162
    Member
    6516 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    MrsAK14:  i think what 
    View original reply
    gelaine22:  is trying to say that you shouldn’t be annoyed AT ALL. 

    No bride ever has a right to be annoyed bc one of their BMs is TTC. Life does not stop bc you are getting married. 

    She accepted to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man bc she wants to be there for you, however, she was polite in telling you “hey By The Way we are TTC” – I am sure she will try to be there for you in every which way. 

    I was in a similar situation- I asked my cousin to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and she accepted and a few months later told me she is pregnant and due 2 months before the wedding. I was so excited for her. Never once did it cross my mind “omg what am I going to do! she is supposed to be a BM” I simply said to her that it was up to her what she wanted to do regarding her dress bc it had already been ordered, (I suggest we order extra fabric which was an option). Ultimately she was no comfortable with not knowing how much weight she was going to gain and loose quickly after so she stepped down. But she was still there for me through my fittings, and just being there for me for support. 

    I can’t understand how you can be annoyed at something like this. 

    Post # 163
    Member
    57 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    MrsAK14:  Full disclosure, I am pregnant and probably hormonal. The thought that someone would not want me in their wedding because I would look different than the other bridesmaids is a head scratcher for me. I can totally understand why she would not tell you this information immediately upon accepting, because it is totally private information. It is thoughtful that she told you in advance. When we were trying to conceive, the only people who knew were the two people directly involved.

    I am trying to deliver this information with the greatest tact I possibly can, but your post does not reflect consideration for both sides here. 

    From my perspective, there is no real middle ground. Either you can accept that she may (or may not) be pregnant at the time of your wedding and she may (or may not) require accomodation in terms of the style of her dress, or you cannot have her in the wedding. The choice is yours.

    ETA: I know that you have explained that this is not the primary issue with your bridesmaid. As an fyi, I would feel hurt and/or offended even if the thought crossed someone’s mind that my body was an issue for them. 

    Post # 164
    Member
    9126 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    [content moderated for snark]

    Post # 165
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee

    Get at maternity dress that is the same colour with matching accessories to the other bridesmaids? You can wait to get her dress closer to the time when you know how big she’s likely to be. At the end of the day everyone will be looking at you not the bridesmaids and the big bump will surely explain if the dress isn’t a total match!

    My step sister in law had her pregnant sister as a bridesmaid, she ended up having the baby two days before the wedding and a seriously adorable mini grooms man!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  roseharp.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  roseharp.

    The topic ‘Bridesmaid told me she is TTC…what should I do?’ is closed to new replies.

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