Post # 1
I’m looking for some advice on how to handle an awkward situation to could potentially get ugly…
One of my bridesmaids is having some financial trouble. A few days before I got engaged I found out that she was fired from her job. I had already planned on asking her to be one of my bridesmaids. So I sat down with her and first asked her if she would be able to handle the financial aspect of being a bridesmaid before I officially asked her to be a bridesmaid. She was so happy i asked her and she said she will find a way to pay for everything and for me not to worry. In about a month she found another job, so it seemed as though things would work out..
But when it came time to order bridesmaid dresses, she didn’t have enough money (shes also in two other upcoming weddings for her friends). Since we needed to order the dresses by a certain day, I decided to front her the money, with the understanding that she will pay me back ASAP. Well its been 2 months and I still haven’t seen the money. As it turns out she was hiding the fact that around Christmas time, she got fired again from her job!!
I talked to her again and told her to seriously think about whether she wants to be a bridesmaid or not and explained all the additional expenses that will be coming up for her. I wont be offended if she chooses not to because I understand her situation isn’t the easiest. I was trying to make this her decision so that it didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings
But now I’m thinking that it would just be easier if she wasn’t a bridesmaid. My future hubby and her don’t really get along as it is. She is one of those people who always trys to prove that shes better than you. and she tries to be this tough girl. and can really rub people the wrong way. Plus my older sister (my MOH) already made it clear that she will not tolerate any bridesmaids not holding up their end of the financial obligations. So I’m worried that if she remains in the bridal party, I’m just going to be dealing with more headaches down the road.
What would you do in this situation? Keep her in the party and pray she decided to step down on her own? Or do I go a head and kick her out? If you think she should be kicked out, how do you suggest I go about doing that without creating too much drama??
Post # 3
Well she already has the dress even though you paid for it. 🙂 I have a feeling I am going to have this problem with my younger sister for my wedding. So I am budgeting for it. If you knew she had money troubles you should not have asked her to be a bridesmaid to begin with. Now you will have to just bite the bullet and hope that she can pay for herself. What else does she really have to pay for? Hair and make up? Shoes? She can so her own hair and makeup and wear shoes she already owns. Weddings are expensive and times are tough. You might have to give her a break.
Post # 4
I was in this situation a few months ago. I actually had the finance talk with two of my BM’s and thankfully both of them stepped down, it was hard to have the talk but ended up being great for all of us. The friendships weren’t hurt and we still talk all the time. They thanked me for bringing it up and basically letting them know I understood. Your situation sucks since you have attempted talking to her and she still feels the need to be in your wedding. Kicking her out will cause lots of drama and most likely ruin the friendship depending on how she takes it (kinda sounds like she wouldn’t take it well) If youa re okay with that then by all means. If you want to remain firends I would kindly bring the finance issue up again….. I’d let her know that you can’t afford to cover any other expenses for her and still need the money for the dress since you are putting your money towards the wedding (regardless if you are or not). What I did with my girls was laid everything out that they may or may not need to pay for with a total so they could see it.
Hair 55.00 (I’m paying for but they don’t know that yet)
Nails 30.00 (optional, I’m not requesting)
Hotel 135.00 a night (I’m paying for one night but they also don’t know that yet either) Since it’s out of town most will stay two nights cuz of rehearsal so 270.00 total
So to them it was 530.00 if they did everything.
That was the nicest way to put it so they could see the whole picture.
Hope that helps and sorry you are dealing with this.
Post # 5
don’t forget added costs of bachelorette and bridal shower. add at least another $200 for those…
Post # 6
@mamadingdong:“ don’t forget added costs of bachelorette and bridal shower. add at least another $200 for those…”
Good thinking but I didn’t list these because I don’t expect them to go or participate if they can’t afford to.
Post # 7
What else are you expecting her to buy? Are you requiring that they purchase specific shoes and have their hair and makeup done on their own dime? How much was the dress that you purchased for her? If she chooses to step down, I assume she probably won’t be eager to pay you back for the dress (why would she if she’ll never wear it?). Then you’ll still be out the money and down a bridesmaid.
@mamadingdong: While every bride would like to have these pre-wedding events, they are not mandatory. There are tons of brides on here who didn’t have either for one reason or another. It’s sucky, sure, but sometimes it’s just not possible if finances or distance gets in the way. Also, while $200 may be a fair estimate, they could easily be done for much less. I can’t speak from experience since whenever I’ve been a bridesmaid, I spent a FORTUNE (but also because I hosted the events and ultimately decided what was going to be spent) but I know that a lovely at home shower could be thrown for $50 p/person and a bachelorette is only as expensive as you make it. A night out on the town could be relatively inexpensive if you don’t go crazy.
Post # 8
certainly not mandatory, but i think most bridesmaids feel that they should participate in these events. i know i did when asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in the past. and $200 was a guess- don’t shoot me!
Post # 9
I think there are a lot of assumptions about what brides maids need to pay for that aren’t always clear to those who are asked. Different brides also have different expectations. You said you explained all the expenses that go along with bring a bridesmaid, which is good, but I think if you are going to require anything beyond the dress that should be communicated up front.
It sounds like you did that, and she is just not in a space to be there in the way you want. I would cut her loose. People often don’t want to say no to a friend, but not everyone can afford to spend $300+ to be in a wedding.
Post # 10
I’m not requiring any of the girls to get their hair, make-up or nails done. Some of the other BMs do hair themselves. And as far as shoes go, they just need to be Silver. so if she already has silver shoes then shes good to so. Im pretty relaxed about everything.
My sister is already starting to plan the bridal shower and i think she’ll be looking to get about $100 from each Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I havent put much though into a bachelorette party yet. But I certainly dont plan on going crazy and requiring a big party-bus to take us all around the city to different clubs.
Post # 11
Also, I actually LOVE the bridesmaids dresses, so I figured if she did decide to back out, I would just keep the dress for myself. Shes only one dress size larger than me so I can probably get it altered and wear it to my cousins wedding later this year. 🙂
Post # 12
I had this exact same problem! Two of my bridesmaids couldn’t afford the dress in time for it to be at the shop at a decent timeline for alterations, etc…. I went ahead and fronted BOTH of them the money. Then came shoes, and I fronted both of them for that, too (though I found everyone a super clearance sale one them)….
One of them called me and said she appreciated it so much and she was SO sorry that I had to be doing this because she felt like she just couldn’t get her head above water financially. But she started making $50 payments per paycheck and had it all paid off before the wedding, and she paid for her own alterations ($30) at the cleaners. (it was $150 dress and $30 shoes on SUPER sale)
The other one (who’s daughter was also my flower girl–my mom bought ALL of that stuff, which came out to be like $250) made vague comments about paying for the shoes, so I was headed to her house to pick up the cash and she texted that she wasn’t going to be home after all. Since then, she hasn’t mentioned in the least about paying one dime of money back. The wedding has now come and gone, of course. But she’s been on really hard times for a while, on top of being a single mother, so I haven’t had the guts to ask her blatantly. (Before ordering the dress, she’d assured me that she’d be able to make small payments on it.) Maybe I should mention it again, but it doesn’t really bother me as much as it REALLY irks my mother. Once she gets a better job, I told my mom that maybe I’ll ask, but at that point it’ll be weird because it’ll probably be months after the wedding. So I probably won’t ask, after all. Ha.
In the end, I knew I valued each one being there MUCH more than I valued ~$200 each. And the one that hasn’t paid me still? She was the one that was the MOST FUN EVER at my reception, constantly dragging me out on the dance floor and making sure I had a great time…. 🙂 So I was definitely glad I didn’t kick her out due to financial reasons. 😀
Post # 13
I paid for four of my bridesmaid dresses up front out of five. One paid me back right after that… The other not long AFTER the wedding. One has never mentioned it and I don’t think she remembers she owes me money and the other said she’d give it to me when she had it and I told her not to worry about it because shes pregnant. I knew they had financial difficulties when I asked them. I asked them because they were important in my life not because I thought they had enough money. My shower was held at my parents house and they all made food for it. My bachelorette was dinner and a movie (none of us drink) and everyone paid for their own. They all could wear any silver shoes and could do whatever they wanted for their hair and makeup. So I guess my point is that if you want her in the wedding and shes important to you I wouldn’t worry about a hundred or two dollars. It’s not worth ending a solid friendship over. If she’s someone that causes problems and you don’t care to remain friends then I guess you should boot her. Just think carefully what’s more important to you, a little bit of money or the friendship.