- Kimberly M
- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I need advice.
My only sister and I weren’t on speaking terms just after I got engaged. I still wanted her to be my Maid of Honor, but I waited until things settled out to put my bridal party together. Even then, things were a bit tense, and also my sister lives overseas, so I decided to go with having two Maids of Honor, a close friend who lives in the same city as I do, and my sister. Both girls were/ are cool with this. Chapter 2- My fiance’s family lives overseas, and we decided to have our wedding there (where it would be gorgeous, but half the cost as well). I had already put my birdal party together when we came to this decision, so I went to each girl and told them the decision and that I understood that the travel was a big committment and everyone might not be able to do it, but please take some time, look into it, talk to their partners and let me know. My sister said she’d definitely come, and my stateside Matron of Honor was all excited and said she and her husband would come, and so then I allowed myself to get really excited.
Two months later, out of nowhere, my stateside Matron of Honor tells me she cannot afford to come to the wedding. I was really upset, but talked to my fiance and we offered to pay for her plane ticket to join us. I should pause and let you know that my Matron of Honor has a good job, and she alone brings in more income than my fiance and I (and pays less in rent), and that her husband also is doing well for himself. She explained that with her wedding earlier this year (which she and her husband paid for themselves entirely) and saving for her honeymoon, plus some other expenses, she just couldn’t commit to it. So even though I thought it was a little crazy for us, who are in a less secure place financially, to pay her way, I decided what was important was to have those close to us there on our big day. I realize now I probably should have let her back out then. But she agreed to come (sans her hubby) and that’s when things started to go wrong.
When we went bridesmaid dress shopping, she told me she could only come for less than an hour because she had a dentist appointment (it was all I could do to say, “REALLY? You can’t re-schedule a dentist appointment for this?” Note- It was tough to find an evening when my sister was in town and the shops were open late after work, and my other Bridesmaid or Best Man took off of work to be there- which I think was above and beyond). I tried to talk to SMOH and tell her this really stressed me out and I was ready to confront her and say if my wedding wasn’t a priority for her, maybe it was best if she didn’t participate, but then before I could, she was really nice and normal (her old self that I knew before all this nonsense and I remembered why I’d asked her to be my MOH), so I just let it go.
We were all positive and luckily found a dress that all the girls liked. But then, SMOH was difficult about ordering it. I emailled her the dress style # and color and info she needed to send in to the shop to place the order (since she had left early and didn’t have time to be measured at the shop). I also let her know that the dress was backorded and if we wanted it in time for the wedding we had to order it within three days. The last day possible to order it, I got a call from the woman in the shop, saying “What is up with your bridesmaid, SMOH?” Then she read me an email from SMOH where SMOH asked what the color and style of the dress (also, why would she ask this when I already confirmed it with her on email?) were and a thousand other questions, but didn’t confirm her order. The lady from the shop, who knew nothing of the earlier drama, said, Ï have to tell you; I’ve seen a lot of weddings and wedding parties and this screams out ‘red flag’ to me.” So the bridal shop woman pulled some strings, because SMOH didn’t get her order in until two days after the deadline. My whole body was racked with stress; my neck was sore and my upper arms ached from thinking about the situation.
About the same time, my sister was getting really frustrated dealing with stateside Matron of Honor (let’s call her SMOH from here on) as they discussed planning my shower. My sister didn’t want to upset me with it, but started asking me questions like, Äre you sure you want to pay for SMOH’s plane ticket? I am not getting the sense she is committed to this.” But my sister didn’t want to upset me with details. Then I find out from another bridesmaid that SMOH is being very stingy about my bridal shower, which of course hurt my feelings tremendously. It’s not that I need some lavish event, but the fact that we are flying her overseas and now she is being parsimonious really stung. So basically, all the bridesmaids spoke with her and she came around on that. But all my other bridesmaids have told me they are annoyed with her because they think she is being a bad friend. 🙁
So I have been feeling sad and frustrated with this situation, but figured, okay. The bridesmaid dresses are done, the shower is under control, we’re done, right? No more drama. THANK GOODNESS. But no. I sent out a list of dates to the wedding party to add to their calendars (the shower date, bachelorette, bachelor party, traditional pre-wedding party in my fiance’s country, and wedding). So she emails me and says she doesn’t know if she will be able to be there two days before the wedding because she is short on vacation time (she knew what the commitment for my wedding was BEFORE she planned her honeymoon, and I know for a fact she should have a week of vacation time left after her honeymoon), so she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to make the pre-wedding party (in my fiance’s country they throw this awesome traditional party with all these fun cultural traditions, and it is bigger than the wedding and it is in lieu of a Rehearsal Dinner). Now, the pre-wedding party is on a Thursday, the wedding is on a Saturday, and most people will fly home Sunday night (arriving Monday morning before work). Most guests are coming a week early, we are arranging sightseeing and fun things to do, etc, but EVERYONE else understands that when you go to a different country, you respect their culture, and that this pre-wedding party is a part of the wedding there. SMOH had said she only be able to come for the weekend of the wedding and would take a day off on either side of the weekend. I wrote her back that there is no need for her to be there Monday, but we really do need her there for the pre-wedding party. I am now waiting to see how she responds and I am really upset.
I am on the verge of telling her I’ll pay for the deposit on her dress, but I can’t pay for the plane ticket because it’s clear to me that my wedding is not a priority for her, and only a sick person prioritizes someone who doesn’t prioritize them.
Before all of this she was a good friend, and I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I am starting to lose self0respect for putting up with being treated this way.
What do you think I should do?