(Closed) Bridesmaid troubles

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Kimberly M: I think you need to let it go.

You are asking a TON from her. 1 week of vacation for the rest of the year is not a lot, especially if she has family to visit for the holidays etc.

Also, just because she makes more and pays less rent doesn’t mean she has unlimited money to spend. She spent the money on her wedding and will be spending in her honeymoon and may really be strapped for cash.

I think the only real requirement of a bridesmaid/MOH should be to buy the dress, and be there for the wedding on the day. If she can do the rest shower, bachelorette, spend longer over the wedding weekend, etc that’s great, but if she can’t it’s not fair for you to get mad at her for it.

It sounds like she wants to be there for you and be a good friend to you, but she simply doesn’t have the money and vacation days to do it all.

Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you. 

I’m sorry this is upsetting you so much, but I’m sure your insiting on her being at all these things might be upsetting her and straining your friendship as well.

Post # 4
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Honestly I think you should give her an out. It just seems like she cannot be there and everytime she gives you an excuse, it doesn’t help her back out of the wedding. 

Post # 5
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry for you.

It would be nice if she had just been HONEST and just said if she was REALLY coming or not. Now, everything is sort of done and she’s involved in it only she isn’t which causes the bride stress.

She is probably still cash strapped from her wedding (but would’ve been nice if again, she had told you in advance).

On the other hand, she is flying all the way(granted, you are paying for her ticket but she probably still has other expenses and has to put in some effort) for just a weekend. After all, isn’t the actual wedding day the most important to you? If she skips the pre-wedding party, would it be such a huge deal?

You can choose to not pay for her ticket and demote her but understand that this will be the end of your friendship (not saying that you are in the wrong here, sounds like it’s a case of different expectations).

Post # 6
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@KatNYC2011: Agreed. If she wasn’t interested, she wouldnt have agreed to the international trip. Try to be more appreciative of the sacrifices she has made- using vacation days for your wedding, traveling for your wedding, throwing you a bridal shower (regardless of the cost which is kinda rude), coming to try on dresses before her appointment (which regular visits generally are hard to move). She does want to be there for you. Remember what PP said about your wedding and the priorities of others.

Post # 7
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - The Chapel of the Sir Christopher Wren Building, 2007 Legacy Hall

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this drama. You must be feeling very stressed and disappointed. That being said, I’m going to agree with some of the other ladies and say maybe just give her an out if you truly believe that is what she’s looking for. I’ve had my share of Bridesmaid or Best Man drama and I know how stressful it can be, but being a part of a wedding is a large responsibility and financial commitment. It is very possible that her and her husband are dealing with financial struggles that you aren’t aware of. Although she might not be going about it the way she should or the way you’d like her to, it does seem that she does want to be there for you. Try to stay positive!

Post # 10
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Kimberly M: I guess we will have to agree to disagree on the “duties” of bridesmaids.

Not all my bridesmaids could make the trip for my engagement party. Not all of them could even make the trip for my bachelorette. Some were late to the rehearsal even! Did I care? Nope! Because the were 100% there for me ON my wedding day.

Also, I’m not sure what city your are in, but sometimes rescheduling a doctors/dentist appointment can be HELL.

I know my doctors only had a very limited supply of “after work” appointments and they booked up MONTHS in advance.

I’m just trying to provide you a perspective from the other side.


Did you lay out every single requirement when you asked her to be your maid of honor? If not you may have blindsided her with all the commitments.

Post # 11
196 posts
Blushing bee

Whether it’s “fair” or not on either side, it sounds like you are asking more of her than she is willing/able to give in terms of money, time, and energy.  It might be best to let her step down at this point and remove the stress and money factors from both of your lives rather than risk this blowing up your friendship.  You are asking more from her than many bridesmaids would be comfortable giving, and you are also being very generous in offering to pay for her ticket.  I think this is mostly miscommunications on both sides – you didn’t make it clear just how much time this would take, and she didn’t come out and say “I can’t do this.”, even though her behavior says it.

Post # 13
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Kimberly M: If you want to maintain the friendship I think you just need to be understanding from this point forward.

Give up on trying to get her to come to the pre-wedding party. 

Do you ever spend time with her that is not related to your wedding? Maybe go out to dinner or drinks with her just to check up on how she’s doing. If she seems really stressed out about money, time off, the wedding, etc you can always say something like, “If you can’t afford to take the time off for the wedding I completely understand. I would really miss you there but I understand how time consuming this may be for you.” And then you let her make the decision.

And you are asking a bit more of your bridesmaids then most brides by virtue of having a wedding in another country and having your rehearsal dinner/party 2 days before the wedding rather than the day before.

It just sounds like she really wants to be there for you but due to her wedding and her upcoming honeymoon she is highly strapped for time and cash and feeling a lot of pressure to be a good Maid/Matron of Honor to you. 

Also, that knot list has a LOT of stuff I’d never expect a bridesmaid to do (and would be a little put off if someone expected me to do). I feel like it’s one of those, “here are all the possible things someone could ask you to do” lists, rather than “here’s everything you MUST do.” Also, did you do every one of these things for her at her wedding?

For example, I’d never expect my Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaids to “play hostess”, at the reception they are there to have fun not work.

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