Bridesmaid troubles

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I had a similar situation and the way I decided was I asked myself if in 10-20 years will I regret not having her in the wedding… my answer was yes I would regret it, so I asked in one of our rare hangouts. 

Post # 3
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t consider someone you see twice a year and don’t speak to in between those instances a close friend. If I were in your shoes I would just invite her as a guest. 

Post # 4
Member
321 posts
Helper bee

Dkbmc1511 :  I agree with pussinboots83 ! You should just stick with those 3 people you said are the closest to you and just invite her as a guest. It could potentially be a headache having your HS best friend in your wedding especially since you consider her closer than she thinks of you. 

Post # 5
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I was in a similar situation when choosing my own BMs, and I agree with PPs that you should stick with the 3 girls you are closest to now. I know it’s a strange feeling, my high school best friends and I always talked about how we’d be in each other’s weddings. Unfortunately life sometimes goes in a different direction. 

The seeing each other twice a year part doesn’t seem like the dealbreaker here, to me, but the not speaking to each other part does. Perhaps just consider inviting her as a guest? 

Post # 6
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Dkbmc1511 :  I was in a similar situtation! Here’s what happened with me. I got engaged while I was in college, right before my 21st birthday. I knew that my engagement would be very long so I didn’t bother asking bridesmaids, but I hinted on to my friend, lets call her Emma, that she’d be one. Emma attended my 21st birthday and was truly there for me when an upsetting situtation occured during the party. After my 21st we really didn’t see eachother or talk until a year and a half later when my fiance and I got our first apartment. Emma attended our apartment warming party. Then again, we didn’t talk or see eachother for another year until I got a new apartment and was going to have another party. When we got the new apartment we booked our wedding date, so I was FINALLY ready to ask my bridesmaids, at first I didn’t have Emma in mind. But then she RSVPed to our party at our new apartment. It was then that I realized that although I don’t see and talk to Emma as often as I do the other friends I planned to ask, she was still a very reliable and true friend. Emma always found a way to come celebrate exciting things that happened in my life, and if she commited to something she always followed through. She also got me through some tough times years ago. After reading about a lot of bridesmaid drama online, my goal was to choose friends that were reliable and have a track record of being a good friend, and Emma truly did fit that. It’s now been 9 months since I’ve asked her to be a bridesmaid and everything has been great. We talk much more often now, and see each other more even though she now lives 3 hours away. I’m really glad that I asked her. 

 

Post # 7
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Dkbmc1511 :  for me personally, I have one friend that is like this but she has become more of an acquaintance, we’re just not close anymore and we see each other like once or twice a year (in fact she’s coming over for game night on Saturday!).

Other than that, she makes way more of an effort to hang out with my other highschool friends who also make no attempt to reconnect or stay friends with me (they all went to college, got married, and I didn’t hear a f*cking peep out of any of them), so yeah, no. 

Post # 8
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

I was in this situation too. The not seeing each other more than twice a year is pretty normal if she’s out of state so I’m disregarding that part, but maybe ask yourself if you think she would be into it? Does she see you as close of a friend as you do her? Would like enjoy, and have time/interest/money in doing everything a bridesmaid usually does? Are your other BMs part of a group and would she be uncomfortable if she doesn’t know them? Just some questions to consider.

Overall, it probably can’t hurt to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man but maybe don’t have her as an Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 9
Member
5876 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Dkbmc1511 :  I think that a smaller bridal party usually means less drama, so I’d lean toward not inviting her.  It sounds like your gut is telling you that it would be more of an obligation invite than something that comes from the heart, right?  So skip it.  

I do think that the 10 year test that travelingbee3 :  suggested is a good one too.  How will you feel 10 years from now?

Post # 10
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

 I had similar issue with having my brothers gf as a bridesmaid but not sister in law. My parents didn’t understand I was closer to my brother and his girlfriend then my brother and his wife (there is a 12 year age difference).  I may ask her to say a toast to include her in. We just wanted a small bridal party.

Post # 11
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

One of my bridesmaids is an old friend — we have been friends for over 15 years. We don’t talk or text regularly and only hang out once or twice a year (we don’t live in the same city) But! We both consider each other close friends. When we are in the same area we do hang out. She cried tears of joy when I got engaged and called her mom immediately in excitement to let her mom know. So I asked her. 

It’s up to you to evaluate whether she meets a similar standard. 

 

Post # 12
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I didn’t ask two old friends I was considering, and I regretted it afterwards.

I only invited people I’d met in university and afterward. One local friend, who I hung out with once or twice a week, was someone I’d only been close to for a couple of years.

We had a falling out a couple of weeks after the wedding, and I haven’t talked to her since. I would have been better off inviting my old friends who live in another country and who I only get to see maybe twice a year, because at least I know those friendships are tried and true.

Real friendships aren’t just about convenience, so it’s not being in constant contact that matters most.

Post # 13
Member
615 posts
Busy bee

I dont think you should. I think you are filling the gaps of when you dont see or talk with her with all the memories you have with her which makes it seem like you are closer than you really are.

Why do I think this? I went through this exact same thought process. 

My friend through all of primary schoo, highschool and college and a few years after, we drifted and for the past 5ish years and catch up about 2 to 3 times a year. She is definitely invited to the wedding as I want her there.

I struggled so hard with the decision whether to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not as I always grew up imagining it. We are still close and I will always consider her one of my best friends however when it gets down to business, she is just not anywhere near as close to me as my other friends.

It was a hard decision however I am so glad I made it as TBH, I dont see her enough to know who she REALLY is now. I dont see her enough to know all her quirks and pet hates etc. It would almost feel a little awkward having her be something so close when we really arent THAT CLOSE anymore.

I am so excited that she is coming to my wedding though as it will be great to have her there and still be a part of my day in some way. 🙂

After all this though, you know how close you guys really are and if you truly know her still with only seeing her so little each year, trust your gut. Dont overthink it. Is it because of how close you guys are and have been forever, or is it the history and how you imagined things that are tripping you up. 

Post # 14
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I was ina  similar situation, my firend and I have bee friends since we were 8 years old and we’ve been friends over 15 years. She got married right out of high school and asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. After her wedding we kinda drifted because I moved away to college and sarted my life with my Fiance and she and her husband had a daughter. We both just became super busy to always hang out but made sure to see each other during holidays when i back home visiting. When it came time to ask my Bridesmaid or Best Man i still asked her despite us not talking or seeing each other nealy as much as we use to. I still considered her a close friend who stood by my side and helped me through some of the most devastating times in my childhood (my parents divorce & losing my grandpa) and her daughter calls me auntie. 

Dont underestimate the power of a relationship that has lasted as long as yours has, sometimes those are the types of relationships the seem like they never take a break when you are in each other’s company. 

Good Luck Bee! 

Post # 15
Member
3854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It depends. 

Is she a former close friend who you have drifted apart from, and is now just a low level/average type friend? If so then perhaps don’t ask. I had a friend in highschool who I was practically joined at the hip with, but after going to different universities we haven’t really been that close for years. I asked her to do a reading but she wasn’t a bridesmaid. We will always have an important history but she’s by no means my closest friend any more. 

On the other hand, there are some friend who you might not see very often, but when you do it’s like no time has passed, and you know you will always be friends and special to each other. In this case it would probably be lovely to have her as a bridesmaid. 

What does your heart say? Do you always have a good time when you see each other?

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