First of all congrats on your upcoming wedding – 3 more days!!
I am dealing with the same sort of scenario – re evaluating my friendship with who I used to think of as my best friend. Apparently inviting someone to be a bridesmaid really does clarify the nature of your relationship.
I’ll call this bridesmaid Jane. Jane was my first and most obvious pick. Immediately she showed no excitement or interest, which I excused as her just not being all that “girly.” She did attend a trip to the dress shop to select Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and amazingly Jane had a blast trying them on and posing for pictures. Some time later I called her and she asked who the Maid/Matron of Honor would be. I told her I didn’t plan on picking one, as I didn’t want anyone to feel left out. I told her about the things the other 2 BM’s have been doing to help and told her that I knew that weddings weren’t her thing and understood how busy she is (with her 0 year old, 2 year old and boyfriend – who acts like a spoiled teenager that doesn’t work or drive), and that I’m ok with that. She told me that she is just really jealous of me and my relationship. I tried to respond positively by pointing out that she has 2 kids which is something I would love to have, but may never get (as my fiancee had a vasectomy many years ago). She proceeded to ask what I need help with, then answered for herself that she would help me find a venue. I had been struggling due to having a limited budget and wanting to have a non licensed friend of the family do catering. I was feeling pretty defeated in my search and was so grateful she would offer to do this for me. The next four days in a row, she called daily saying “I called X, Y, and Z and these were the details, and I’m going to try here and here tomorrow.” On the 4th day, as I was expressing my continued gratitude, she said, “Well you can thank me by making me the Maid/Matron of Honor.” So I said, OK. Then I didn’t hear from her for a few days and sent an email asking about any further progress, to which she responded that she would be really busy with work for the next month or so, so I would need to follow up on my own. A month passed and I hadn’t heard a word from her. I did secure my own venue with help from another Bridesmaid or Best Man and sent Jane another email asking her about shoe size – since I planned to buy shoes for the wedding party, and suggested she try them on (as the shoe store happens to be a few blocks from where she works). She responded at that time (without the shoe size) by telling me that she and her boyfriend were planning to elope, and wouldn’t it be a surprise to everyone if she was married before me.
No response for another month, when I bumped into her at one of my other BM’s wedding (She was there for about 40 min, 3 hours late, got a plate of food and then left). I asked her there about the shoes and she just said she hadn’t had time to try them on. I then asked her if she had looked into getting a babysitter for the weekend of my wedding (this is 4 mos in advance of the wedding), and she told me she planned to bring her 0 and 2 y/o’s with. I informed her that I would be taking the girls for a manicure on the morning of the day before, needed help with prepping various things on that day, and that there would be a rehearsal and dinner that evening, and then on the day of we would need to get up early to decorate the venue, then I had hair appt’s for all of us, etc. She said “I’m sure the kids will be fine, I’ll try to make it to the rehearsal and dinner, and I’ll come get my hair done, but I can skip the nails (mind you, I was clear I’d be paying for both things).” Sounds like she doesn’t plan to help at all with any of the prep stuff for my totally DIY wedding (not that she would be much help at all toting a baby and toddler), and her actions have clearly shown that she isn’t available to be supportive to me during these most stressful of times. So that was 2 weeks ago.
Last week I got a terrible sinus infection/bronchitis situation and posted something about it in conjunction with lack of sleep on facebook. She responded something about how I should toughen up because she never gets any sleep being a parent. I was so irritated about her making everything – even me being sick – all about her, that I wrote back something about how my (to be) step kids sleep 10 hrs a night and maybe she should try getting her younger kids to down to bed earlier since she gets up in the middle of the night to go to work. Then, her boyfriend responds that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t even have kids…
I am so stuck in between anger and hurt with this friend that I don’t know what to think or say or do. It is one thing to be jealous, it is something far different to be jealous to the point that you can’t even be happy for someone else. I don’t know who this girl is anymore, and quite honestly don’t even want to see her at my wedding at this point. I just can’t believe how she’s acting after everything we’ve been through together – from teenager adventures and mishcief, to college roomies for years, to vacations together over the more recent years. I was at the hospital every time she gave birth, I threw her baby shower, I’ve gone to all the birthday parties, and spent gobs on gifts for her kids for whatever occasion. And I feel like now I have this one big, happy thing in my life, and she could care less, because she just can’t handle not being the center of attention.
All the professional advice out there about jealous bridesmaids says to give them special attention, and put your friendship above your wedding party roles. But I’m too hurt by her behavior at this point, and sick of her antics of making everything all about her, to even want to try to communicate with her. I don’t know how to tell her she’s not going to be the Maid/Matron of Honor… And if it causes her to drop out, it’s going to lead to worse hurt feelings and put me in a real jam trying to replace her last minute.