Post # 1
When I asked one of my BMs to be in the wedding, I knew she would be unable to attend the shower and bachelorette because she lives out of state.
My MOH is in the preliminary stages of planning now and has asked my out of state BM privately if she would be willing to contribute to part of the expenses (splitting my portion of dinner/drinks, helping pay for some part of the shower, etc) . My BM basically replied “why should I have to contriubte if I can’t go?” and shut her down.
Mind you, I am the MOH in my out of state BM’s upcoming wedding in september and have planned her shower and bachelorette party on my own for the most part, so I felt a little lame and didn’t know what to say since she wasn’t willing to help out the remaining BMs cover part of the costs.
My question is, do you think a BM that can’t attend the parties should help contribute towards them financially? And yes, i know the only duty of a BM is to show up and smile the day of the wedding, but my MOH was a bit put off by her response.
Post # 3
@Chapssstick: while it kind of sucks she’s not being more generous, you can’t assume you know her financial state. Also, she already has to come in from out of state. Am I right to assume she’s paying for her own travel and accommodation?
Post # 4
@Tphan: I am helping her with her flight and she is staying at my parent’s house, so that isn’t the issue. I know financial concerns are probably an issue, but I think my MOH was at least hoping she would be willing to chip in to buy me a drink or something. just kinda weird being stuck in the middle and I didn’t know what to say to my MOH! 🙁
Post # 5
No one HAS to contribute to anything.
Post # 6
No way. She perhaps could have been gentler in her response but when someone is asking you for money that you’re not willing to contribute it doesn’t do much good to be wishy-washy about it.
See it from her side: she’s missing out on these fun pre-wedding activities and she’s incurring expenses to travel to this wedding.
Post # 7
@Chapssstick: Well, who knows, maybe she’s already spent a lot on your present. Maybe she’s just had to have toast for a week.
Just think about what it means in the grand scheme of things, are you going to have less fun at the events without her monetary contribution? Try and just brush it off.
Post # 8
@Tphan: Yeah I get it. I just felt very strange trying to talk to my MOH about it because she was getting huffy and I didn’t really know what to say or what was the usual in this situation.
Post # 9
I wouldnt have ever asked her to contribute.
Post # 10
No way. She can’t go and it’s an optional party/celebration.
Post # 11
She is not hosting these events. The host plans and pays for what they have planned.
Post # 12
They are optional parties and she said from the start that she couldn’t attend either of them, so there should be no expectation that she should contribute financially. Either the other bridesmaithe split the costs or reduce the price of the parties, if they are that concerned about contributions.
Post # 13
Intimate nothing about your expectations, and see if she offers help or not. If she doesn’t but you think she should you’ve learned something about each other.
Post # 15
I voted she should help any way she can… before I read the post and saw that the question is asking for a financial contribution. I don’t think anyone should be obligated to contribute especially when they are not even coming to the events. I personally would have offered to split the costs of the shower w/ the rest of the bridal party even if I were unable to attend. However, I would never ASK anyone to contribute. When I was an MOH, I planned the bachelorette party and did not ask for any contributions for alcohol for the pre-party, or food/snacks/games, prizes.
Post # 16
The hosts of the party are the ones responsible for paying. And just because you are a BM doesn’t mean you automatically a hostess of a shower or bachelorette. Your BM isn’t coming and therefore not hosting – why on earth would she pay?
Just tell your MOH that it makes sense that the BM isn’t contributing because the BM isn’t hosting. And who knows, maybe the BM will send you a shower and/or bachelorette gift.