(Closed) Bridesmaid vs Groomsmaid/Bridesman vs Groomsman

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 1
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

So, Fiance and I got to talking today about our wedding party and who would be in it. Well, all along, we’d said that my brother would be a groomsman because we want him involved. In the same note, I planned on asking Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid (unless Fiance said he didn’t want her involved or wanted to put her elsewhere). Well, lately, she’s told Fiance she wants to be a groomsman because “bow ties are cool.” FIs cool with this, but knows I was wanting to ask her. So we were discussing who would be where. I have my girls in mind from the start (my 4 best friends, my sister and his sister). During our talk, he picked out his six guys (5 friends and my brother). Thing is, if Future Sister-In-Law is a groomsman, then either my brother becomes a bridesmaid or one of FIs friends isn’t in the party. He had a hard enough time picking between his friends let alone picking which one to drop.

While it may be common in some areas for mixed genders, it isn’t where I’m at. I also don’t think my brother would want to be a brides-anything, regardless of the name. He’d find it emasculating. Preferably, Future Sister-In-Law would be ok with being a bridesmaid (hopefully excited even) so my brother can stand with Fiance.

So, this weekend, we decided we were both going to talk to her and let her decide where she wants to be and go from there. Originally, Fiance was gonna speak to her on his own, but I’d like to at least be there to let her know that I want her to stand with me as opposed to word of mouth. So, we’ll be talking to her together.

Does anyone have any advice on how to go about it? I don’t want her to feel pressured either way and we’ll give her all the time and space she wants to decide. We just both want her to know that we love and care about her and want her by our sides when we get married, whichever side she chooses. For all we know, she may have been hoping to be a bridesmaid all along and not wanted to impose. Or she may just really want to be a groomsmaid.

Also, I was wanting to do something cute to ask my bridesmaids (only one has been asked so far, my Maid/Matron of Honor. We got matching piercings, she said yes, super cute) and I don’t know how to do that with her if she decides to be a bridesmaid. I mean, I don’t want to have her a gift and then say “Pick me or your brother.” Would it be strange to give it to her after she decides? Should I have something ready to bring with me and give it to her right afterwards? Or give it to her at a later date?

Advice? Opinions?

Post # 3
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Bump?

Post # 4
Member
9639 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

My brother was in our wedding party and stood on my side.  But he wore a tux to match the groomsmen. 

We called him a Bride’s Attendant.

Post # 5
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@ajillity81:  +1 to the brides attendant

Have him on your side and call ALL of your attendants “Bride’s attendants” or if you want to go more fun “Bride’s Posse” or “Bride’s crew.”

Post # 6
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would ask Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid and have your fiance ask your brother to be a groomsman; unless that would make them uncomfortable.  I think it’s nice to have their siblings stand up with you and vice versa (although not nesessary).    Also, we are calling my fiance’s female attendant a groomslady. 

Post # 7
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@ajillity81:  

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@thenewmrsmax:  I’d be ok with that, but knowing my brother he would not accept being on the brides side regardless of what it’s called. Sadly, my family is largely closeminded and conservative in regards to gender roles. He would get endless amounts of shit for being a bridesmaid and more than likely say no to such a role.

Also, while I love my brother, I do not party with my brother. This will sound selfish, but it would be difficult trying to do anything with the bridal party, him included. We couldn’t have girls nights or spa days, any bachelorette party would be tamed WAY down and I doubt he’d want to be anywhere near a bridal shower. I wouldn’t want to leave him out, but he wouldn’t want to be there and I’d feel awkward gettin down with my bad self in his presence.

Post # 8
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I live in the Lubbock area so I know the close-minded kind of types around here. I’m getting married in Austin and we decided that his best girl friend would be on his side rather than mine because she’s his best friend. We are having her wear a dress that is the same color as their suits to match but she’ll have a bouquet instead of a boutonierre.

If your Future Sister-In-Law insists on being on his side, is there anything wrong with both your brother and Future Sister-In-Law being on his side? It may not be even numbers but I think once the wedding actually happens it won’t matter and you’ll be happy you have the people who care about you there.

Post # 9
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Well, you know your Future Sister-In-Law better than we do. If you just asked her to be a bridesmaid, would she just say “yeah!” and the groomsmaid thing would never come up again, or might she push the issue and have a little fit over it? Given that your brother would prefer to stand on the groom’s side (which I completely understand — my brother was a groomsman for DH even though they hardly knew each other at the time, mostly for the same reason), I think you should just ask Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid and have that be the end of it. Unless she’s a total brat, then I’m sure it will work out just fine 🙂

Post # 10
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sorry, but when you insist on even sides and traditional gender roles, you limit yourself a lot.  Honestly, I would have her as a groomswoman and let your brother decide where to stand based on that.  If you have uneven sides, who cares?  You’ll still be married with both of you surrounded by the people you wanted to have up there with you.  

Post # 11
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

You have too many competing interests: 1) sides must be even 2) bride’s brother must be on boy’s side 3) groom’s sister would prefer to stand with her sibling. Insisting on keeping the sides perfectly even is going to either make the bride’s brother uncomfortable, or disappoint the groom’s sister. Of these three things, which are more important?

 

 

 

I would ditch the even sides requirement, and let the siblings stand where they are most comfortable. 

 

 

 

And honestly, if you had no choice but to make one sibling uncomfortable, I have a lot more sympathy for the sister who wants to stand with her brother than I do for the man who would freak out at being on the bride’s side. But that’s just me. :p

 

Post # 12
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

The sides don’t need to be even. If she wants to stand on his side, she can. But maybe she just offered that bc she thought you were’t going to ask her? 

Post # 13
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@HonoraryNerd:  why not just have uneven sides?  Have a few of the groomsmen escort the Mothers/Grandmothers or walk alone if the numbers don’t work out.

Post # 14
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We’re having both bridesmen and groomsmaids. Nobody was bothered by it (even older relatives that we’ve told). I texted all of my friends to ask them (we lived far away at the time), and when I asked my two closest guy friends to be my bridesmen I wrote something along the lines of “We’re planning our bridal parties now and I was really hoping you’d be one of my bridesmen. You’d still get to wear a suit or tux like the groomsmen, but you’d stand on my side instead.” Maybe if you presented it this way you brother would be cool with it? Make clear that he still gets to be “one of the guys” but that it would mean a lot to you to have him standing beside you. 

Post # 15
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@Cmcrca110713:  
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@BuBuBubbles:  
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@Sephiroth:  
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@JrzyGurl:  
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@Polygon:  Honestly, I just hadn’t thought about uneven sides. I wasn’t putting that limitation on it intentionally. I’ve never been to a wedding with an uneven wedding party. I lie, I did once, but the extra bridesmaid was the flower girl’s mom, so they walked in and out together. I just considered them one person. I’ll see what Fiance thinks. I’m not opposed to it.

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@iarebridezilla:  She’s a little crazy sometimes, but she’s sweet. Fiance and I’ve been engaged for a year now and it’s been assumed that she’d be a bridesmaid, I just haven’t brought it up to anyone until now. I think if I’d asked first, she would have been super excited. I’m not so sure now, though, that she’s said she wants to be a groomsman. It may just be that she didn’t think I’d ask like a PP mentioned and would like to be a bridesmaid. I dunno. We’ll see.

Post # 16
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

Here is a completely different approach, could you let Future Sister-In-Law and your brother join your SO 5 guy friends and you add an extra gf or two to your side.  Keep it even and let each person stand where they feel comfortable.

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