Post # 1
So I guess the title of this post makes it sound pretty innocuous, but basically the story is this:
We’re getting married in August. Fiance’s sister had a baby in February, both she and her husband are in the wedding party.
We aren’t having any children at the wedding; Future Mother-In-Law has offered to get a babysitter to watch the baby the day of the wedding at her home.
FSIL/Bridesmaid doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t want the baby at the wedding. If it was literally just going to be attending the wedding, I might be more ok with it, but given that everyone (including Moms) are going to be going to the salon together and getting ready in the hotel together, there won’t be anyone to watch the baby. The guys will be off doing their own thing so her husband won’t be able to watch him either. She thinks that she is just going to bring the baby to the salon and into the hotel room where we (read: I) will be getting ready.
I think this is totally inappropriate, and I’d like to be sensitive to the fact that he is her kid and she loves him, but this is my wedding, and I don’t want it to be filled with baby. (Side note, I don’t really like kids.).
Am I wrong to say NO, you can’t bring your baby to the salon and to where we will all be getting ready? I don’t think it is unreasonable, but this could be from my non-Mommy point of view. How could I go about telling her that I think it is inappropriate that she bring her baby without being a major B?
Post # 3
Nope. Not wrong at all. We had a wedding about 4 hours from where we live…My sis (MOH) brought her son on trip but he stayed with relatives for the day (he only came on trip cause he was in wedding party). My other Bridesmaid or Best Man was asked to leave her baby with her grandparents for the entire weekend, which she gladly did. Your offer to provide child care is very generous.
Post # 4
Yikes…I don’t think you are wrong not to want the baby there, but I do think it is going to be tough to say that. Are any of their parents, close friends, or relatives going to be guests at the wedding who could watch the baby during the getting ready time and the ceremony? The only other thing I would try is just explaining that you really want everyone, including her, to be able to relax and have fun and private ‘girl time’ at the salon and ask her if she can arrange for someone to watch the baby during that time. If she refuses, I don’t know if there is much else you can do without damaging the relationship. If the baby does end up coming to the salon, maybe you can call and find out if there is a private lounge or room that she can hang out in if the baby is fussy, needs to eat, be changed, etc. so that it doesn’t cause too much of a fuss in the salon…
Post # 5
I would have to agree with you, especially since Future Mother-In-Law is offering to make sure there is a sitter. I honestly dont see what the big deal is if there is someone to watch it at home? For this reason of being scared that certain members of family/friends would either not come at all or bring them anyways if we said adults only, we are having childcare provided at the venues to watch the kids with a split fee, we pay half and the parents pay half.
I honestly wouldnt want a baby around while Im enjoying getting ready and spending time with family before and plus, its also really hectic and the mom would be distracted, baby crying, someone will always have to watch it…its just not enjoyable for anyone, especially the mom. Then theres the baby during the ceremony and no offense to anyone, but I dont want to hear a pin drop, let alone a baby crying, while Im takng my vows. I went to a wedding this past weekend where granted a beautiful baby girl balled the entire time and the parents didnt take her out because they wanted to watch the ceremony.
You should have a talk with her and politely and calmly discuss her leaving the baby with a sitter. And not just for you, but for her, I mean she wouldnt enjoy herself as much with a baby on her hip. I dont think itll damage the relationship, you just need to be firm and help her see that its really for her benefit, as well.
Gosh, I love babies but just not at wedding!
Post # 6
I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I know I wouldn’t want a possible crying or fussy baby wherever I’m getting ready at. But I also don’t have kids so maybe I just don’t get it. You could tell her that they don’t allow small children or babies in the salon (I know the salon I go to does not allow you to bring your children). Or maybe Future Mother-In-Law can talk to her about it, since obviously she gets it since she is offering childcare. Who will be watching the baby during the ceremony if both mom and dad are in the wedding and during pictures? I really don’t understand why people want to bring babies and small children to weddings but maybe that’s just me.
Post # 7
I see both sides to this situation. I understand that you don’t want kids at the wedding, but the baby will be 6 months old and possibly still breast feeding.
Perhaps you can strike some kind of compromise. Maybe take up FMIL’s offer of a baby sitter during the salon time and ceremony, then allow the baby to come to the reception?
I think it would be a little harsh to ask the mom to leave her baby the entire day, but I do agree that having some extra help is necessary. I went to a relative’s wedding where the groom’s nephew was about a year and a half. All of the immediate family was in the wedding party so I had to babysit during the ceremony and missed the whole wedding because he started crying. Not fun. Hope you can find some kind of compromise. 🙂
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I think I might try to have Future Mother-In-Law talk to her, since she thinks it is a good idea to have the baby with a sitter. (actually, she wants the baby to come to the ceremony where she says she will hold him -I haven’t mentioned to her yet that I don’t want her walking down the asile with a baby in her arms!) and then have a babysitter for the reception portion of the evening. I think Future Mother-In-Law just assumed that there would be ‘someone’ to take care of the baby while we are going to the salon and getting ready, I guess it is just a matter of figuring out who that ‘someone’ is!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who would be opposed to having a screaming baby around while I get ready! I know for sure that if someone had said they were bringing their baby to the salon, getting ready, etc to FSIL’s wedding, she would have had a conniption!
Post # 9
I’m looking at this from both sides as well. What if you made arrangements for the babysitter to be on location. That way the mom can have fun at the celebration, and feel like if she’s needed she can be right there. Plus as a family member, she is going to have people asking how the baby is… etc so it would make sense that they would want to see the infant. The baby is pretty young, and not everyone likes to leave their kids…
Post # 10
yeah, wouldn’t it be tough to be away from the baby for that long if she’s breast feeding? My dude of honor’s fiance came to my shower this weekend with her baby and she had to breastfeed three times in about four hours. The baby is only three months old, but can they really go that long at six months?
Post # 11
Sorry to be the voice of dissention, but you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man knowing she would have a 6 month old baby, and now you made the wedding adult only, so you put her in a very tough postition. If she is breastfeeding, then I think it’s not realistic to expect her to leave her 6 month old ANYWHERE else. I know if it were me, I would decline to attend. (Yes I know everyone thinks you want to be so very far away from your baby and what a “break” it will be but I wouldn’t want to be worrying about DD the whole time!)
IMO, it would be rude to ask her not to bring her baby, but if you want to have Future Mother-In-Law try to talk to her then that may be the route to go. I also don’t think your Future Mother-In-Law thinks anyone will be watching the baby while you get ready, she probably assumes that it’s not an issue for the Mom to have the baby with her. (As does the mom, probably. You can say “adult only reception” and “adult only ceremony” but you can’t really say “adult only getting-ready-for-the-wedding-time.” In the end you may just want to have Fiance tell Future Sister-In-Law that you don’t like babies or children and you don’t want her to bring the baby at all. Then at least she has the opportunity to back out as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 12
I am a mother and I can tell you when my first born was 6 months old there was no way in hell that I would leave her with anybody besides my mother so arranging child care for me would kind of go out the window. Not all parents like leaving their children with just anybody. Plus a 6 month old still sleeps alot and they are generally good at that age. Easily entertained and they cant walk so they dont try and get out of the stroller and run around and drive everybody crazy. Honestly if I were your Bridesmaid or Best Man and you asked me not to bring my 6 month old baby who I obviously could not get a family member to care for then I would probably back out of your wedding. No kids is one thing but a baby that small is another. I guess for you it is a win/win situation. You ask her not to bring the baby and she complies or you ask her and she drops out. Either way, there will be no babies at your wedding!
Post # 13
I don’t have any kids, so I guess you can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I can’t see how someone has to be that close to their child 24/7. Just because you had a kid doesn’t mean you can’t take part in any of the grown up get-togethers anymore. If that’s your FSIL’s first child, I can understand if there’s some separation anxiety associated with letting a baby sitter take over, but she’ll have to get over that eventually. By August, she might be more receptive to the idea of a baby sitter.
Post # 14
Its not about seperation anxiety, or not being with your child 24/7. Its about a baby being in the care of someone else that you do not KNOW. Babies are a lot of work – some easier than others – and most of them do best with their parents.
The baby WILL need to be close incase he is breastfeeding or something happens. There is no way in hell I would leave my 6 month old for an entire day – and we aren’t talking daycare hours – you are saying, getting ready, ceremony, reception, etc. That is TOO long if he hasn’t been left that long before or is being breastfed!
There could be someone taking care of the baby – that she is comfortable with for the ceremony and the reception (or part of the reception) that is close – like in a another room with a cool set up. A port-a-crib, bouncy seat and toys. She can go check on the baby in between things and during the reception.
But getting ready for the wedding? What is that about? People who have that much of a problem with having babies around shouldn’t ask people with babies to be in their wedding.
She should NOT walk down the isle with the baby – but she should NOT be asked to keep her baby away when people are getting their hair done!
The other thing is the more the baby can be kept with her right up until the ceremony then the better the baby will be for the sitter and the less she will get called away. The baby should be kept up – playing, feeding, etc. so that he is good and tired and can go to sleep…then she goes onto the ceremony.
It can be done – but if you are just going to be like, “well its my day and that’s it” then that is your right. Then she should not be in the wedding – or even attend if she can’t get a sitter that she is comfortable with. Why would you ask someone to be in a wedding that just had a baby anyway? If you don’t like kids maybe she wouldn’t want to be there – so you should just tell her that.
Post # 15
Well, this is your NIECE so it makes it a little more difficult. We didn’t have ANY children at our wedding….except our nephew. I mean, how can you tell your FI’s sister “sorry, tough noogies”? It’s really tough when they’re an immediate sibling with a baby. However, we invited my SIL’s husband’s parents (so your FI’s sisters in laws) and THEY babysat our nephew during the wedding. They took him home at 8pm, too.
Is that an option?
Post # 16
You’re being unreasonable. The woman has a six month old baby. Can I understand not wanting the baby at the wedding? Yes. Is it okay to ask that the baby not attend the wedding? Yes. Is it okay to tell her that she can’t take her baby to the salon or spend time with her baby during the day before the wedding? Absolutely not!
Not wanting to have the baby attend the wedding is one thing, not wanting the baby to interfere with your “special day” by being at the salon is quite another.